Curtain

As most of you know in high school I struggled with not feeling black enough. Thank God, I’ve come to the point of being okay with my own blackness.

Anyway, I noticed that a lot of my favorite books, TV shows, movies, are about white people problems. And a lot of my favorite actors, actresses, authors, and singers are white. Because I’ve been so immersed in “white culture” or whatever, I kind of lost myself. I don’t know if that makes sense to you, but it does to me. For example, my new favorite book is Big Little Lies. I’m also in love with the miniseries. I watched it twice. Anyway, the second time, I wanted my brother to watch it with me. He liked it and didn’t finish it because he was just so annoyed. He was telling me that he just couldn’t relate to them because they were so privileged. He’d laugh at the obstacles they faced in the show making cynical remarks. I mean being in an abusive relationship isn’t something to laugh about, but he didn’t get that far.

It’s crazy because Big Little Lies barely has any black people in it. I was so into my white books, my white shows, my “white music”, everything, that I became annoyed with things from my own culture and my mind was just in an unhealthy place. I didn’t even know it! Last Thursday, I forced myself to watch Issa Rae’s Insecure and I fell in love with it. I’m not in my late 20s, but the show is so relatable. It is because I’m black, of course, but I feel like the show expresses problems everyone faces. For example, Molly, a black lawyer who is great at her job is making less than the white men. Any woman can relate to that, since all women get paid less than men. Everybody can relate to the all relationship problems. Oh and when you want to just be a hoe, guys and girls can relate to that.

But yeah…I’m still going to watch my “white shows” and stuff, but they can’t be the only ones I’m supporting.

A week ago today

I went to L. A. Fitness to take a nice dip in the pool. After an hour of swimming, I decided to go inside the jacuzzi. As I was sitting in the hot water an old white man came in and  sat down. I looked at him and wondered how old he was, I wanted to ask I him, but I got scared. Then a black man came into the jacuzzi. We were all quiet, just relaxing in the warm water. I wanted to talk them so bad, so I just said it! I asked the question that I’ve been dying to ask them!! “How old are you guys?” 

(I don’t know their names, so I just identified them as their “race”)

“I’m 83,” says the white man.

“Really? I thought you were 86!” I tell him.

The black man answers, “I’m 70,” he says in a calm way.

“Ohh, you know what, you look your age actually. How old do you guys think I am?”

The black man right away says, “You looked about ten!” 

Me: “What!”

WM: “I think you’re 19.”

Me: “Nope, I’m 18.”

The white man was sitting closer to me and he mentioned that too, so he can see my age. Ha!

We began a conversation about the past wars. The white man is a veteran of the Korean War!! And the black a veteran of the Vietnam War!! It was pretty cool talking to them. We also talked about race and religion and about how people don’t really talk to each other anymore. We are so divided. I’m glad I started up a conversation with them. That was fun. I was afraid to ask them their age because I assumed they thought it would be rude, but they were open and answered honestly. I love old people. 

Dirty Minded

Sex! I don’t know why, but I love to talk about sex. I’m a virgin and I’m planning to wait till marriage, sex is so interesting to me. I want to have it because I’m a sexual human being, but I think I think I can wait. 

Recently, I was thinking about how I might not wait and if there’s a guy that I’m sexually attracted to and he’s attracted to me, I’d definitely do it. So I started doing research on birth control and where the nearest planned parenthood was. I even began to ask my mother questions, she started getting paranoid, so I told her I need to be informed about these things. 

Anyway, there’s nobody I’m sexually attracted to so I won’t be doing the deed anytime soon. But honestly, I don’t want to have sex just to have it (I mean that would be fun, but nah). I feel like it’ll be much better with the man that I love. You know, just connecting on so many levels. 

For now, I just really want to make out with someone. I really do. Haha! The dude I was constantly talking about last summer, he and I only made out twice. Only two times. It should’ve been more lol, but whatevs. I think two was enough, because if we continued, I’m pretty sure we would have eventually effed. OMG! Why am I talking about this. This is too open….whatevs

Anyway, I’m trying to have a clean mind and spirit. I need to focus on God.

I

Know I told you guys this already, but I’ve been giving away things. Why? I have too much stuff!

I’m trying to be a minimalist, but at the same time I love stuff!! I think I’m a very quirky and eccentric young woman and I want my life to show or I guess represent that. 

How can I do that if I’m trying to be a minimalist?

My family is moving soon and I’m trying to get rid of more stuff. I don’t want to give shit away for free anymore, I want to sell. Ohhh, I know what I’m doing. I don’t want to be a minimalist, I just want to get rid of my old stuff so that I can buy new stuff! Ohh lol 😂 

I’m not trying to be a new person, but I’m trying to live a new life for me. 

I also want to explore different religions. I do believe that spirituality/religion is important at first I was unsure, not anymore. I’m going to continue reading the Bible and talking to God, but I want to explore Buddhism. I’ve always been interested in that religion, I need to do some research on it.

The week

Before I chopped my hair, I told myself that I was beautiful. I told myself that I was smart. I told myself that I was creative and great. Now, today, in this moment I’m telling myself that I’m ugly. I’m smart, creative, and great, but I am ugly. 

My skin is porous. I’m not plump, but fat and saggy. When did I become such a troll?

Gosh, I hate myself for all this self loathing. I don’t know what to do to feel better, oh yes I do. I can continue my facial routine. I can start working out and eating healthier. Once I start doing that, I’ll feel much much better on the inside and out.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I don’t love me yet. When will I love me?! When will I love my flaws? When will my silly, ugly flaws go away?! This is what I think about on a daily basis, every night when I’m washing my face. Everyday when I look at myself before I get into the shower. When will I love my flaws? When will my flaws go the hell away?! 

Am I the only one that thinks this way? I’m not in a good place right now, as you can see. 

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck 

okay much better 👌🏾

July 15, 2017

I talk to God. Out loud. 

We have plenty of UHMAZING conversations. 

Whenever I talk to Him, I have a major breakthrough.

Whenever I talk to Him, I am smart, am wise, I am a better me.

When I don’t talk to the One and Only, my mind is blank, hollow, empty.

Whenever I focus on things other than God, I get hurt.

God should be my main focus. He’s guiding me through life and I need to follow. 

Sometimes being a follower is difficult because you want to do your own thing and be your own person. 

Hold me

I just want someone, anyone to just hold me. To tell me everything is going to be alright. I love giving people affection, but I never get it. Do people care about my well being? I have problems. Everyone has problems. 

I’m loved. I’m loved. I love. I try to give love. 

I want to sit down with Naomi and Rebecca and watch The Princess and the Frog. They’re my sisters. I want to be with them. They’re together right now. I miss them so so much. I’m so alone. My other older sister tried to have a movie night with me,  but it didn’t work out. She tried and failed, most importantly, she tried. I’m so lonely. I long for the day till I have my person. They’ll be mine and I’ll be there’s. 

Right now, I just want a female friend here with me. We’ll study together, we’ll watch movies together, we’ll be there for each other through thick and thin. I’m so alone. I’m so alone.

Today, my mother asked me why I don’t want to be here. I told her I’m not telling her why. Then my brother told me I was being disrespectful. Then I tried explaining why I wasn’t. As I was talking my mom didn’t want to hear it then said something rude. Everyone is so rude.

I feel so boxed in. I feel like someone is controlling my every move. I don’t like being home. I honestly hate it. I hate it here so much. 

In this moment I

Miss my hair. I felt so sexy and beautiful. Not anymore. Ugggh I don’t want to talk about me. I’m sad, I’m terribly sad. Something happened to my friend and I’m so sorry for her. I want to do something to make her feel better, but I don’t know what. Some things are just not fair at all. Why is life so shitty? She’s a good person. People suck. They really do.

Gift

I often think of the past. The past two months, the past year, my lifetime. I don’t want to think of the past or future. I just want to be in the present. Because the present is a gift, it truly is. It was given to you by God. You may not like it, but examine it, and be in awe of its intricacies. Don’t throw it away. See, the thing about gifts is that you’re always getting a new one. Every second is a gift. Use it wisely, make the right decisions.