A week ago today 

I went to L. A. Fitness to take a nice dip in the pool. After an hour of swimming, I decided to go inside the jacuzzi. As I was sitting in the hot water an old white man came in and  sat down. I looked at him and wondered how old he was, I wanted to ask I him, but I got scared. Then a black man came into the jacuzzi. We were all quiet, just relaxing in the warm water. I wanted to talk them so bad, so I just said it! I asked the question that I’ve been dying to ask them!! “How old are you guys?” 

(I don’t know their names, so I just identified them as their “race”)

“I’m 83,” says the white man.

“Really? I thought you were 86!” I tell him.

The black man answers, “I’m 70,” he says in a calm way.

“Ohh, you know what, you look your age actually. How old do you guys think I am?”

The black man right away says, “You looked about ten!” 

Me: “What!”

WM: “I think you’re 19.”

Me: “Nope, I’m 18.”

The white man was sitting closer to me and he mentioned that too, so he can see my age. Ha!

We began a conversation about the past wars. The white man is a veteran of the Korean War!! And the black a veteran of the Vietnam War!! It was pretty cool talking to them. We also talked about race and religion and about how people don’t really talk to each other anymore. We are so divided. I’m glad I started up a conversation with them. That was fun. I was afraid to ask them their age because I assumed they thought it would be rude, but they were open and answered honestly. I love old people. 

Advertisements

Tangerine 

Sex is beautiful. So I’m reading this mystery called Sharp Object written by Gillian Flynn. There’s a sex scene it’s not written to get a person off, she’s just explaining the act so poetically and it’s beautiful. I started thinking about how movies and television shows have those scenes. Sex is art, it’s honestly gross, but books and television have a way of making it slow and calm. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here. You have to be a good writer or director to make it seem poetic or whatever. 

It’s human. The way humans interact is so wonderful. 

The scene in the book is so intimate and emotional. Like wow, Gillian Flynn is something else. These two characters both have had something shitty happen to them and they just open up to each other and reveal their scars. Literally and figuratively. It’s like in the scene each act has a meaning. There’s no love, they aren’t horny (I mean I guess they are…), they just understand each other, so deeply. 

Sunrise Sunrise

I saw the sunrising this morning. I was laying in my bed, awake. I looked at my window next to me. I looked away then back. I moved the curtain aside and to see that the sky was orange. I grabbed my phone, my keys, I put on my shoes, then walked out the door. There was a huge thunderstorm the night before, so the earth was still dripping. The bugs were chirping so loudly, it was beautiful. I finally looked up and the sky…the sky was violet

My eyes filled with wonder. I continued admiring the vast beyond. I began to walk, not looking down but up. As I walked toward the sunrise side the colors changed 

Instead of violet and blue, there was pink, red, yellow. I stopped walking for a bit and kind of stood watching the rising sun reflect its light on the majestic clouds. None of this looked real. I felt as if I were in an art gallery admiring a painting of morning. But this wasn’t artificial, it was raw, intrinsic. This is God. This is a part of Him.

I walked back home still appreciating morn. I didn’t go inside. I just sat down listening to nature. Listening to the drip and the drop of rain onto puddles. The clicking, the hissing, and the chirping of bugs. In that moment I wanted to be one with nature. I wanted to be a majestic cloud. I wanted to be part of the trees and grass. One day I will be.

Insecure

I gained weight and I don’t feel beautiful. It’s not a lot, but it’s enough to bring my self esteem down. 

I want to be smaller again. So this summer I’ve been working out, eating healthy, eating less. I’m not sure if there is a difference. I hope there is. 

I cheated this weekend. I had a ton of sweets and junk food. Buttttt I’m blaming that all on my period. 

To not feel insecure about this I should probably stop comparing myself to other people.