Black Boy

I can write a love story about every guy I’ve ever liked. 

Soft gentle full lips on mine.

A touch here

A hand there

A squeeze

A bite

A smile 

We stop and stare

I move away still staring

I’m cheesing

He’s laughing

“What?”

“You’re so cute.”

A pull

Hands at my waist

Arms around his neck

Another kiss

More intense 

A deep inhale

A tighter squeeze 

More

He wants more

I want more

But we stop

And that is

The end

March 30, 2017 Thursday (Journal Entry)

“Dear journal, I hate guys they make you feel so many different emotions without doing anything. Guys are funny. I’m still trying to understand guys and girls. I’m not sure if we are the same. There is a stereotype about girls that we overanalyze everything, we worry too much and all that. But for guys the stereotype is that they don’t care, they don’t notice anything. They don’t try too hard. Do guys ever analyze a text message, a look, a tone? Do they even care? What do females do that hurt them? That brings up so many emotions? I want us to be equal, but I do see these stereotypes at school, with me, in movies, TV shows, celebrities, etc. Are we really the same when it comes to relationships and emotions? Maybe we are, but society has trained men to not express their feelings, to think that women are crazy and over emotional. Men know how to suppress their emotions, they probably do feel the exact way women do they’re just better at hiding it. So some men care, some men don’t. How about women? Can they be like the stereotypical guy? Yes. I have yet to see a woman be that way, I just know there are because we are all the same.”

STOP INTERRUPTING MY GRINDING Drafts 12

I AIN’T THINKIN ‘BOUT YOU!!!

So….I recently got over a crush… I got over him because something he did. Whenever I listen to Sorry by Beyonce it helps me dislike him more, which is a good thing.

But then 

I started having feelings for him again.

Ugh!! He has a girlfriend. This is not good. I can’t like him. I don’t want to have feelings for him

this is funny (100th post!!)

This has happened twice in my life. I like a boy, we get to know each other, I tell him I have feelings for him, he then tells me, “I still have feelings for you too, but I’m dating *girls name*” OR he says, “I have a girlfriend in Michigan.” It always ends on a good note…lol. I mean, I’m still friends with these guys, things are all good, but this is weird. I can’t make this a pattern. See, with the first guy while he was talking to me he was single, but also talking to another girl and I didn’t know. With the second guy I assumed he was single because he would flirt with me. He also never mentioned a girlfriend to my friend who was trying to bring us together. The first guy, I knew him for a pretty long time. The second guy is more recent. This is crazy. I’m not mad, or hurt, I’m just so confused. Why? I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t try too hard. I don’t know… Maybe God is telling me that I’m just not ready for a boyfriend and you know what? That’s okay.

*This is actually kind of funny thoughhhhhhh

*But OMG! This recent guy is such a babe. Nicest guy I’ve ever met. Sweet, intellectual, understanding, he is forgiving of other people’s faults, intelligent. It’s so cool how he can retain knowledge. He’s a really cool dude. Gosh, I liked him a lot. I know if I dated him I would learn a lot. Oh yeah, and he is beautiful. He has the prettiest blue eyes ever, he looks like a Greek statue (minus the muscle lol, but that’s okay). His bone structure is to die for lol. Okay lemme stop, I sound like a creep. 

**2 hours later: This actually kind of sucks, but the thing is I don’t care. I’m used to it. At least I can finally be myself, so that’s a plus. I’m not even going to try anymore. Okay from now on I’m gonna focus my attention on other things like art, writing, school, friends, God, important stuff.

Not AgainĀ 

I hate myself. No, I really do.

I just wish I had confidence.

I wish I was smart and intellectual.

I wish I was a better writer.

I wish I had good habits.

I wish and I want so much.

I’m mad at myself. Hannah, if it’s not funny don’t laugh. I have to remind myself of that. I don’t want to be fake. I want to be honest with myself and everyone around me, I just don’t want to be rude. Why am I feeling this way?? Oh, I know why, it’s because of some boy.

Jealousy

I get jealous of people, but I never get jealous because of some boy.

This girl has a crush on this boy that I had/have a crush on who has a girlfriend.

The boy had feelings for me before. I’m not sure if he still does.

So I’m jealous of this girl because what if the boy breaks up with his girlfriend and gets to know the girl more and they become a couple. I really hope that doesn’t happen. It can’t happen. Whenever I see them talking I feel a stab in my heart. I shouldn’t be feeling this way because he has a girlfriend. 

I need him to move to another state…like now, so I won’t feel this way. Or maybe I just need to move on from him. I need to focus on something other than some boy. 

Jealousy isn’t good. I’m going to have to pray about this.