Let me be Frank

I will be Frank.

I want a relationship. I've never had one and I want one. I want things to happen naturally with a guy. I don't know why, but whenever I have a crush I change. I'm less confident and I try too hard. It's awful and it's turns the guy I like away.

I want to connect with a guy. I want us to have chemistry. Emotional, sexual, spiritual. We have to be on the same page.

I hate that I want a boyfriend. I'm not usually like this. My friends and my sister told me that it's okay to want a relationship.

I want to watch the sunrise with a guy that I like and who likes me. I want him to hold me.

I want him to call me just to listen to my voice.

I want him to teach me things. I want him to inspire me.

This is what I want and more.

But I won't allow it. I don't want to get hurt.

My brother also said not to have a boyfriend my freshman year of college. I believe that's great advice.

I know I don't need a boyfriend, but I want one.

I want to cuddle and talk.

I haven't listened to Mitski (one of my favorite musicians) in a while because I get into my feelings whenever I listen to her.

Ughhh?? When did I become a softy?? I don't like this. I know how this all started.

It started after June 9, 2017. The day I went to the museum with Adam.*

It was a lovely day. We held hands. We sat at the beach. We kissed. The sky was blue. The clouds were white. It was a beautiful day. He was beautiful.

And sweet.

That day I wasn't trying. I was being myself and all went well.

Whenever I think of that day and being with him I get this weird feeling in my body. It's like my whole body wants to go back to that day. I don't know if that makes sense. Whatever.

Shit, I want to cry. A part of me wants to be like he just a boy, you'll get over it don't cry over him. Another part is saying, it's okay.

Hopefully, in the future God sends me a dude as special or even more special than Adam.*

It's okay
It's okay
You had the moment you wanted with him and it was amazing. Just appreciate then move on.

Thoughts

Earlier this summer I was trying to figure out what love was. What love is. My whole life my parents weren't together and I've never seen two people in love till this year. My sister has been with her boyfriend for about a year now. And they look like they're in love. They're comfortable with each other, they're real and raw. It looks like love and happiness.

I always struggled with figuring out what romantic type of love was. It's confusing. For example, high school love. Is it real? I had a friend, Jada, while she was dating her ex she told me how they met and everything. They had a lot of PDA at school, if she looked down he would ask her if she was okay constantly. But I remember in class they were kind of mean to each other. There were so many secrets and distrust between them. But they said they loved each other. So I believed them. They broke up recently I don't know how or why, but was the love real when they were together?

I hear some people go from relationship to relationship telling their Significant Other, they love them. They use the word so carelessly. I don't even think they know what it means.

I thought I was in love with this guy. Let's call him Martin. Martin had a crush on me and he told me. At first I wasn't into him, I just saw him as a friend. I liked his personality a lot and I liked being around him. We hung out a few times and began to have feelings for him. I was completely myself with him, I never tried to impress him, I was just me , and he made me laugh. So I finally told him, but it was too late he was already dating another girl. At first I was okay and then angry. Then okay again lol. I kind of knew his girlfriend, she was nice, but it was awful seeing him with her. But they were cute, so I couldn't be angry it didn't feel right. I remember in the middle of the school year I thought I was over him, then I realized as I was getting to know David that I still had feelings for Martin. I liked him a lot. I honestly believed that he and I were meant for each other. I don't think so anymore. I'm not sure if I loved him.

Probably not.

I don't think I believe in romantic love. Yeah, my sister and her boyfriend love each other, and I know it's real but

I don't believe it.

I do know that I'm going to experience it one day. And my S.O.'s love will come from the Father above.

10 Something PM

I told this guy last Friday that I liked him.

I knew it was too late in the summer to tell him that, but I did it anyway.

I needed to get it off my chest.

He told me he liked me too, but it was definitely too late. We’re both going off to college next month. 

On Sunday, I asked him if it was really really too late. The first word in his response was, “unfortunately”. 

At the beginning of summer vacation, I was just sexually attracted to him, but then I began to see who he really was behind his attractiveness. He’s a loving, kind, smart dude. There’s so much to him that I have not seen. I want to see it. 

It’s too late.

It sucks. Sophomore year I had a crush on him, a HUGE crush. Then junior year came and it went away.

Then I started having feelings for his friend. Then I didn’t have any crushes. Then there was David. Now,  it’s the summer and I have feelings for this guy I will never be with. 

I hate crushes. I hate feelings. I hate time. I need it to slow down. I also hate self doubt. I’m saying that because I want to text him and invite him to hang, but I’m afraid that I’m too boring. 

I should just do it anyway. Do it! Do it! Do it! 

It’s okay, you’re fine whether he finds you boring or interesting, Hannah.

***

A few minutes later

Okay, so I just texted him. This is what I said: 

“*ADAM!!!

I just wanted to say goodnight”

He texted back saying he was right about to go to sleep and told me goodnight.

Gross, why am I sharing this…?

“Cause imma weirdo, imma imma weirdo”

Rule of Life #7 

I got rejected and I’m handling it pretty well. I’m hurt, but happy at the same time. I got rejected whoo-hoo!! I got rejected, oh fuck. You see? Happy and hurt at the same time.

It’s good to get rejected once in a while. 

We’re often afraid to do certain things because of that fear. We miss out on a lot. Do you what you want, say what you want, be who you want. Rejection isn’t that bad it’s good. 

I was listening to my favorite podcast, Invisiblia, and they were talking about fear. So there was this guy, his wife left him. He all of a sudden feared women and he realized it’s because he didn’t want to get rejected. So this man decided to get rejected by someone everyday. In the end he was a happier person and more bold.

Everything isn’t going to go the way you expected and you have to learn that that’s okay. Once you understand that, life will get better.

Draft

Hi I’m David and I’m an asshole.

I met this girl at the beginning of the second semester. Hannah, was her name. Beautiful brown skin, long legs, and a nice smile. Whenever she laughed the darkness in my heart would light up. I got goosebumps whenever I heard her soft voice. She was and is truly amazing.

She sat right in front of me, I was constantly self conscious around her. I thought I was annoying her even though we never spoke.

The first time she turned around to talk to me will always be one of the best days of my life.

Hannah: Do you understand how to do this worksheet?

(We were in Economics. I don’t remember exactly what we were doing, but it had an equation)

I nod my head.

Hannah: Okay cool. Don’t give me the answer, but can you show me how to do number seven?

***

It was the first Friday in February when I got a text message after school saying:

“Jada gave me your number and I don’t know why, but hello.”

I texted asking who it was, but then Jada told me that it was Hannah.

I was really happy that she texted me. We texted for hours. We talked about music, our identity, and more. It was lovely.

*I ain’t finishing this damn story* 

Whole Milk

This is what I texted my friend:

“Name, tbh I honestly don’t want a relationship with anyone I don’t want to make out or be casual with a guy at all. All I want to do is cuddle and talk about life actually that’s my type of casual. I want to meet an attractive wholesome guy that would do that with me”

Let me rephrase that, a guy I’m a attracted to and who is attracted to me. No feelings though, no kissing, no sex, just cuddling. That’s all.

But that’s never going to happen. Never. Because we are sexual human beings. That’s not a problem. I wish some people were more wholesome. 

Actually maybe a few kisses 😉

For the past two weeks I’ve been alone with my thoughts. I think I started going crazy. I’m not kidding.

Finally, three days ago I hung out and interacted with people. Two days ago, yesterday, and today I did too.

I do like being alone sometimes, but not all of the time. It’s not good for the mind. I started losing weight and eating one meal a day. I was on my phone doing nothing. I was not being my best self.

I hung out with friends and family and we many fulfilling conversations. It was wonderful. It was what I needed. I like to interact and discuss shit. 

I learned so much in the past couple of days from being with people. It was nice.