I’m me-ee, I’m me-ee, and that’s all I can be

It’s so exhausting trying to be someone you’re not. Trust me, I know.

I faked my way through most of high school.

I compromised myself to be liked. It worked, but at the same time it didn’t.

When I was being someone that I wasn’t I did gain friends. Good friends.

But when I was finally being me and expressing who I truly was I gained even better friends.

It sounds like I have myself all figured out and shit, but I haven’t.

I’m still trying to understand who I am. 

Identity is a struggle that everyone faces. Who are we? Who do we want to be? How do I just be?

This week I started creating videos. I would record myself, edit the video, then post it on YouTube.

As I was looking at the video, I thought to myself, Why don’t I act like that in front of my friends and family? I was being so extra in the video and I liked it. 

It’s so fascinating because I’m a different person in those videos. 

I feel like I am myself most of the time. Like 67% of the time, I just need to add on…add on…What’s 100-67?? I honestly do not feel like doing the math. Ughhh. Okay so 70, 80, 90, that’s 30. Okay so I need to add on that 33%. 

I guess I’m just scared to be me. I’m scared to say what’s on my mind, to be silly, to make stupid jokes.

I think I try too hard to be perfect. Nobody is perfect and most people know that and will accept you for who you are. 

I’m not perfect. I’m not the prettiest person on earth nor the smartest. I’m not the funniest, not the nicest. I have struggles and I had them too. I’m just me. I have flaws and you know what? That’s okay.

✂✂

Cutting people off 

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Well, one person

Cutting my hair

Snip snip

Not all of it

I actually have good friends and it took a certain situation with 2 people to realize it.

I should listen to my siblings more and the friends who actually are a good influence on me. 

Today is Mother’s Day. My mom is enjoying it so far. It’s pretty good for me too.

My mom, my brother, and I went to a mother’s day Haitian banquet. It was nice.

Self-Esteem

Freshmen year of high school, I wrote a short essay for English about self-esteem. Here it is:

Self-Esteem

By: Hannah Leonard

“I feel pretty oh so pretty I feel pretty and witty and bright and I pity any girl who isn’t me…” Should not a girl or a boy always feel that way. Feeling good about yourself is good for the mind, body and soul. I feel that way all the time. There’s times when I feel down and uncertain about my self, but that doesn’t mean I’m not confident. Feeling low about your self can make you miserable. People wouldn’t want to be around you because you are sad and depressed. Be happy and don’t worry.

Being cocky isn’t cool. Yeah having confidence is good, but when you have a lot. That’s a whole different story. Self centered people are rich and famous and some are not. You can be cocky if yo– You know what? Just be yourself, and be confident. Don’t care what people say about you, be happy and don’t worry. There is somebody knocking on the door who loves you. Open the door and be happy. You should not care if somebody started a rumor about you or said something about you. It isn’t true, so move on with your life. Be honest, loyal and trustworthy. One more thing, don’t worry and be happy!

A Letter to My Mom (my parents don’t read my blog…so I can do this)

WARNING: If you are a male this might make you uncomfortable!

Dear Mom,
What am I doing wrong??? I’m a good kid. I get average grades, I don’t do drugs or party. I read my Bible. I believe in God. I have lots of things to say, but it’ll come out rude so that’s why I’m writing this letter. Okay. Here I go. Will you please stop belittling me? Yes, I know I’m fifteen, but what does that have to do with what you are talking about. I understand what you are saying. I understand what’s going on. Mom, can you please give me a little freedom? I feel like I’m living in a box and I can’t get out. That’s why I do little things to make me feel free. Like dying the ends of my hair or not wearing bras. Speaking of bras… Mom, one of the reasons why I stopped wearing bras was because you’d always get me the wrong size… Yeah. I l know you get really upset that I don’t wear them. Instead of getting mad, can you please give me a reason why I can’t wear them. I know how to cover everything up without using a bra. (Side note: Today my mom was talking to me and she was like: “Hannah, I always tell you to wear a bra, but you never listen to me.” She was so mad! It’s just a bra. Then she whooped me for wearing a tank top with no bra on at home. Seriously). Another reason why I don’t wear them is because I don’t want my boobs to be saggy! (Sorry guys). Mom I feel like every little thing I do, you get angry. Why can’t you be more supportive? Also can you give me a reason why I can’t do certain things, instead of forcing me not to do them. Can you please stop saying you’re going to do something, but never do it? I asked for ballet lessons for a whole year. A whole year! You’d keep saying, okay. But it never happened. Then you started to get annoyed that I was asking. I feel controlled. I know you are my mom and you are supposed to be a little controlling. But why do I have to feel this way, like I’m constrained. Sometimes I feel like you are Margaret White in Carrie and I’m Carrie. (Not crazy, though. We’re pretty sane). I just want some freedom, mom. That’s all I want… You are a good mother, though. You take care of me when I’m sick, you take me to school. You did other good stuff that makes me love you. I do know sometimes I can be a little disrespectful, but honestly I have been working on that and I think I’ve gotten better. So yeah… I love you and I just wanted to be honest.

Love,
Hannah M. Leonard

1.1.15 Thursday

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! New year, new me. You’re probably rolling your eyes at the screen right now. But seriously, I’m really trying to improve this year. I want to live a better and healthy life. I’m young so it’s best if I start now. Okay, so here are my New Year’s Resolutions.

Hannah’s New Year’s Resolutions:
Write a screenplay/script
Create a fashion blog
Have a closer relationship with God
Listen to more Christian music
Take care of my body
Be more honest and vulnerable
Draw more
Spend less time on social media
Spend less time on phone
Focus on school
Appreciate the things I have

So what are your New Years Resolutions. Comment and tell me!

goodbye…

I’m sad. I’m really sad… I’m sad, because I only have a page and a half left in my journal. I have had this journal since 2011. I’ve had it for four friggin years. Now I’m almost done with it. Why? WHY does this journey have to come to an end. I guess this is my goodbye letter to my journal…

Dear journal, hmm… Where do I begin. When I first saw you on March 25, 2011, I fell in love with you. You were the only thing I could write in when I didn’t have someone to talk to. By writing in you, I grew. I don’t know what I grew into, but I know it was into something good. It’s really hard to say goodbye. Just to let you know, um I already replaced you. Yeah, my sister got me a new journal for Christmas… But I will write in those last pages before the year ends. I love you and goodbye…
Sincerely,
Hannah M. Leonard

Goodbye

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From old to new. Time to start a new journey.

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Collar Bones

My friends and I had just taken some pictures. We were looking through the photos and talking about them. My friend Joe* said: “Wow Hannah, your collarbones are so deep. Are you anorexic?” I knew he was joking, but instead I said: “I know, I’m so skinny.” I was half joking. (After that I noticed Joe* was more careful with his words or jokes when he talked to me). I never really thought about my collarbones, before. It was one of those body parts I thought people didn’t pay attention to. I felt a little insecure at that moment. I felt insecure about my collarbones. I didn’t know I was that skinny. But 2 hours later I was fine. I actually learned to appreciate my collarbones in those 2 hours. People contour their chest with make-up just to have “collarbones.” And the collarbone thing actually runs in my family. I started saying out loud that same day that I love my collarbones. I wanted Joe* to hear. But he didn’t. I wanted him to know that what he said did not affect me in negative way, but in a positive way. Thanks Joe* for letting me love myself and my body in 2 hours.

Girls and boys appreciate your body. You are gorgeous! Who cares what other people say. You were carved into the image of Christ Jesus. Love yourself and your body. Because God loves it too.

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Do you see my collarbones? Aren’t they so deep and beautiful?

* Joe is a pseudonym. Fuck it, his name was Will.