My therapist doesn’t blink his eyes and that bothers me so much.
Am I black enough? That is the question I ask myself everyday. Am I black enough? I’m not #woke. I’m still not sure if I experienced racial injustice. I’ve been told that I listen to “white music.”(Coldplay is AMAZING btw). I haven’t watched every black movie. I know I’m black, but am I black enough? In the summer of 2015 I wanted to change. I wanted to be like the kids at school. I downloaded IHeartRadio and only listened to the R&B station. I wanted to listen rap. I wanted to talk about the latest song. I just wanted to be black.* One night I listened to Nicki Minaj’s Pinkprint album like five times to memorize lyrics. I started listening to J. Cole and Kanye West*. It’s like if you’re immersed in black culture, then you’re black. Well, that’s how it is at school.
I started writing this two months ago when I was really struggling with being black. I talked to my sister about this and she said that this feeling of not being black enough is part of the black experience. After she said that I felt a little better.
There’s no such thing as being black enough. I just realized that. It’s not about culture, but our history and what our ancestors went through and the struggles we face. That’s really what makes me and my family and my friends black.
*I’m not going to lie, but I’m really proud of myself for being open to rap music and hip hop. Some people who never listened to it just judge and say that it’s bad, but not all of it is.
*If you want to get in to Kanye, listen to his old music.
I’m driving in my car
I turn on the radio
I’m pulling you close
You just say no
You say you don’t like it
But girl I know you’re a liar
‘Cause when we kiss
Late at night
I’m takin’ you home
I say I wanna stay
You say you wanna be alone
You say you don’t love me
Girl you can’t hide your desire
‘Cause when we kiss
You had a hold on me
Right from the start
A grip so tight
I couldn’t tear it apart
My nerves all jumpin’
Actin’ like a fool
Well your kisses they burn
But your heart stays cool
Romeo and Juliet
Samson and Delilah
Baby you can bet
Their love they didn’t deny
Your words say split
But your words they lie
‘Cause when we kiss
I don’t know what’s happening to me. Like I’m usually a really dry person who shows no emotion and says, “Oh” to anything I don’t know how to respond to. Then all of a sudden in January of 2016 I became this cheery happy person and I tried my best to respond with something interesting. Ugh I freaking hate that, I try too hard then things become awkward. Because of this sudden change, I messed up things with my crush.(he also messed up) He and I could’ve had chance. I don’t know how to fix things… I’m so sad and mad. 😥😡😥😡😡😡😡😥😥😥😥😥😥😥😡
The past two days I was m–
I’m just going to put this situation into God’s hands. He’ll know what to do.
From now on I’m going to quit talking about this boy with my friends and quit writing about him because I’m annoying myself.
Why are guys so confusing? No, why are boys confusing? Because the dudes at my school are boys. Insolent little boys. I’m really looking forward to graduation next year. I’m tired of people, especially boys.
I really tried my best, but I tried too hard.
Then I stopped trying and things were going quite swell.
I tried again and failed. Now I’m angry and hungry.
We both had a chance, but we both screwed up.
hate dislike that boy.
I’m so freaking irritated.
You know what? Let me just listen to some Coldplay I will feel much better.
Did you know that people who swear a lot have more friends than normal people? It’s because they tend to be more honest. Hmm… Maybe I should start cursing more. Nah, maybe I should just be more honest.
Relationships suck (Even though I’ve never been in one)
My crush sucks. When I’m giving him attention he doesn’t like me, when I’m not that’s when he shows me attention and likes me.
F*ck off bro, you’re confusing me.
I hope my crush gives me something for V-Day.
Today I figured out that my crush and I don’t vibe. I realized that today because we were talking and we had so many awkward pauses it was the worst. This never happens when we talk. I’m never initiating conversations with him again.
Life freaking sucks
Recap of my life:
1.) I think my depression is getting better!
2.) I’m on the honor roll (yassss!!)
3.) I started doubting God and I think I became agnostic for like a month.
4.) I gave a boy that I really like my number!
5.) I decided to have Bible study lessons with my Pastor. (I’m trying to be a follower of Christ instead of a fan*)
6.) I’m reading a book called Not a Fan by Kyle Idleman*
7.) I’m a much better creative writer. I’ll show y’all some pieces one day!
8.) I am slowly becoming confident in myself and I’m starting not to care what others think of me.
9.) I’m back bitches.
Follow me around! Twitter & Instagram: @mshannahleo
Hair Instagram: @sisterlocks16
Got this from a song: “It’s not easy being green.”
Wow! Time is flying by!
So far, January has been a reflective month for me. I was kind of depressed for a week simply because I realized that I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I hate that. I feel like at times, I feel so sure then at other times I’m clueless.
Lately, I’ve been talking about a whipped body butter business and last month, I was whipping up a storm. One day as I was mixing, my sister asked me if I could see myself doing this every day. At that moment, I got discouraged because the fact of the matter is that though I enjoy making butters, I think I like it more as a hobby than as a business.
No! Now what?
I used to want to be a politician but I didn’t network enough(that can still happen). Instead, I…
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