I often think of the past. The past two months, the past year, my lifetime. I don’t want to think of the past or future. I just want to be in the present. Because the present is a gift, it truly is. It was given to you by God. You may not like it, but examine it, and be in awe of its intricacies. Don’t throw it away. See, the thing about gifts is that you’re always getting a new one. Every second is a gift. Use it wisely, make the right decisions.
My therapist doesn’t blink his eyes and that bothers me so much.
Am I black enough? That is the question I ask myself everyday. Am I black enough? I’m not #woke. I’m still not sure if I experienced racial injustice. I’ve been told that I listen to “white music.”(Coldplay is AMAZING btw). I haven’t watched every black movie. I know I’m black, but am I black enough? In the summer of 2015 I wanted to change. I wanted to be like the kids at school. I downloaded IHeartRadio and only listened to the R&B station. I wanted to listen rap. I wanted to talk about the latest song. I just wanted to be black.* One night I listened to Nicki Minaj’s Pinkprint album like five times to memorize lyrics. I started listening to J. Cole and Kanye West*. It’s like if you’re immersed in black culture, then you’re black. Well, that’s how it is at school.
I started writing this two months ago when I was really struggling with being black. I talked to my sister about this and she said that this feeling of not being black enough is part of the black experience. After she said that I felt a little better.
There’s no such thing as being black enough. I just realized that. It’s not about culture, but our history and what our ancestors went through and the struggles we face. That’s really what makes me and my family and my friends black.
*I’m not going to lie, but I’m really proud of myself for being open to rap music and hip hop. Some people who never listened to it just judge and say that it’s bad, but not all of it is.
*If you want to get in to Kanye, listen to his old music.
I’m driving in my car
I turn on the radio
I’m pulling you close
You just say no
You say you don’t like it
But girl I know you’re a liar
‘Cause when we kiss
Late at night
I’m takin’ you home
I say I wanna stay
You say you wanna be alone
You say you don’t love me
Girl you can’t hide your desire
‘Cause when we kiss
You had a hold on me
Right from the start
A grip so tight
I couldn’t tear it apart
My nerves all jumpin’
Actin’ like a fool
Well your kisses they burn
But your heart stays cool
Romeo and Juliet
Samson and Delilah
Baby you can bet
Their love they didn’t deny
Your words say split
But your words they lie
‘Cause when we kiss
I don’t know what’s happening to me. Like I’m usually a really dry person who shows no emotion and says, “Oh” to anything I don’t know how to respond to. Then all of a sudden in January of 2016 I became this cheery happy person and I tried my best to respond with something interesting. Ugh I freaking hate that, I try too hard then things become awkward. Because of this sudden change, I messed up things with my crush.(he also messed up) He and I could’ve had chance. I don’t know how to fix things… I’m so sad and mad. 😥😡😥😡😡😡😡😥😥😥😥😥😥😥😡
The past two days I was m–
I’m just going to put this situation into God’s hands. He’ll know what to do.
From now on I’m going to quit talking about this boy with my friends and quit writing about him because I’m annoying myself.
Why are guys so confusing? No, why are boys confusing? Because the dudes at my school are boys. Insolent little boys. I’m really looking forward to graduation next year. I’m tired of people, especially boys.
I really tried my best, but I tried too hard.
Then I stopped trying and things were going quite swell.
I tried again and failed. Now I’m angry and hungry.
We both had a chance, but we both screwed up.
hate dislike that boy.
I’m so freaking irritated.
You know what? Let me just listen to some Coldplay I will feel much better.
Did you know that people who swear a lot have more friends than normal people? It’s because they tend to be more honest. Hmm… Maybe I should start cursing more. Nah, maybe I should just be more honest.