I am a whole different person than I was last year and the year before aaaaand the year before that aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand before that…and before that one as well. For some reason when it was January first…I just felt new. This blog is not apart of me anymore.
Please enjoy my old thoughts and ideas. Read my realizations. Apply some things to your life. Do whatever you want with my words, just don’t steal them.
Hannah Michelle Boss Ass
Bitch Queen Leonard
PS. This is actually very emotional and personal to me. Interviews Aleatoire was a big part of my life. Wow, so this is what it feels like to grow up haha.
I take a lot of selfies for someone who doesn’t really like the way they look. I was going through my pictures and I was like wow I look good. Then I remembered, when I took those photos I was feeling ugly. I hate that. I am beautiful and I still can’t see it. I don’t know why I am this way and I’m not only talking about my looks. I’m talking about who I am as a person also.
I just want some confidence. That’s all I want.
I will be. It’s going to happen. I know it.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about how much I want a boyfriend. I would really like that, but I know that a boyfriend is not what I need in my life right now…and I’m okay with that. hmmmm….growth. Okay Hannah! lolz
I know that God is going to send me an amazing guy because he from God. I’m not going to try to pursue any crushes either because I just know it’s not worth it. Honestly, I haven’t had a crush in a whillllllllle. I think I said that already in another post. Whatevs.
Right now I’ve been trying to focus on friendships, my future, and school. You know what I noticed? I noticed that I need reassurance when it comes to friendships. I have some friends from high school and a friend of mine that I grew up with. I thought I was drifting away from them, but I actually wasn’t. They still appreciate me. I didn’t ask them if we were still friends or anything, I just felt the reassurance in the conversations that we have had. So yeah. I wish I didn’t need reassurance, but I guess that’s just the way I am.
Last semester, I was very very very very lonely. I barely made any friends in college and I only talked to two people. My friend, Martin*, from high school, and texted my friend, Melanie*. Martin, goes to the same college as me and Melanie is away. I think talking to them all of the time hindered me from meeting new people, so I slowed it down.
Anyway, this semester I’m trying to make new friends and trying to interact with different people.
It’s weird, even though I want to connect with new people, I kind of just want to be alone. I want to do things on my own that a person would normally do with a friend.
But now that I think about it, I know that I need friends or at least one best friend. I noticed that when I have a friend beside me, I’m happier. Friends keep me sane. This school year, I’ve been back to old habits and doing things that are not good for me spiritually, mentally, and physically.
I’m not lonely, because I’m fine with being alone. I just need somebody with me because I don’t want to go crazy.
is so funny!!!
I like reading my old posts. Especially, the ones from last summer!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!!!!! I was so infatuated with Adam* that I mistook it for actual feelings. I think I do that with all of my crushes. I was literally obsessed. Ahh! So funny!
Wow, I haven’t had a crush in a while. It’s weird because every semester from seventh grade to senior year of high school I was obsessed with some boy. I’m really glad that’s not the case anymore, but I kind of miss the feeling of having a crush. It was fun!…and weird cause I’m a creep. Haha!
I really want to continue this blog, but I don’t know what to write about anymore. It was kind of like an open diary, but I decided that I don’t want to be so open online anymore. I’ll figure it out.
But at the same time, I don’t. I was just writing an essay for my portfolio for an art school and as I was writing I was thinking to myself, is this what I really want to do? Because I’m trying to get into film, but what I really want to be is a magazine editor for my own magazine. I want to be a writer for Insecure. I also want to own an art gallery, but I don’t know how to do that. I know how to get into film. I know how become a screenwriter. I know exactly what I should do. I mean, yeah, I do want to write and co-direct a psychological thriller and a comedy. I do!! But that is not what I really really want to do. I need guidance from God. I always say that, but then I never go to God. I just strategize in my head and never get anything done.
My head: If I finish this year off at P state then I could transfer to Columbia College for film and I can take classes to help me become a better filmmaker. Then I’ll be able to add more to my portfolio. Also I already have filmmaker friends, and I’m working with them, so that’ll build my cred up. If I continue doing this working and creating, I’m sure I’ll make it. But maybe I could stay at P state for one more year…change my major to journalism, then transfer to DePaul and continue journalism. During that time I could also work on my magazine blah blah blah blah blah blah
God’s got me. You guys pray for me cause I’m lazy.
These thoughts are forming in my mind. They need to get out.
Wishing only wounds the heart!”
So true!! Hannah, STOP WISHING!!!!!!!! You don’t want to get wounded.
Last month a few weeks before my family moved into our new house I took a long walk on a Saturday.
On my way back home the sunlight was gone and the streetlights turned on
There was an empty parking lot, I was listening to “Someone in The Crowd” from La La Land. At 3:06 of the song is an empty spot of music, so I started dancing in the parking lot. I was jumping around and moving around. I was free! That was freedom. It was a beautiful feeling. Afterwards, I walked back home and tucked that freedom back into the corner of my mind.
I was praying to God last week asking Him for some ungodly things. I then thought about my successful role models and people I know that are going to be successful and I thought to myself, shiz, I need to get my priorities straight.
What I wanted wasn’t going to do anything for me! I was focusing on the wrong shiz.
I told God that I want to focus on Him. I want Him to be my number 1 priority. He’s getting there. He is.
So yeah, I had to stop asking God what I was asking for. I had to get my mind off of that! I then began focusing on school, my mental/physical health, my artistry. Things that are important to me, I began focusing on them.
God, what I want, I’m not going to lie and say I don’t want it now because I do, but You will give it to me when the time is right. I know You will and I trust You.