I’m me-ee, I’m me-ee, and that’s all I can be

It’s so exhausting trying to be someone you’re not. Trust me, I know.

I faked my way through most of high school.

I compromised myself to be liked. It worked, but at the same time it didn’t.

When I was being someone that I wasn’t I did gain friends. Good friends.

But when I was finally being me and expressing who I truly was I gained even better friends.

It sounds like I have myself all figured out and shit, but I haven’t.

I’m still trying to understand who I am. 

Identity is a struggle that everyone faces. Who are we? Who do we want to be? How do I just be?

This week I started creating videos. I would record myself, edit the video, then post it on YouTube.

As I was looking at the video, I thought to myself, Why don’t I act like that in front of my friends and family? I was being so extra in the video and I liked it. 

It’s so fascinating because I’m a different person in those videos. 

I feel like I am myself most of the time. Like 67% of the time, I just need to add on…add on…What’s 100-67?? I honestly do not feel like doing the math. Ughhh. Okay so 70, 80, 90, that’s 30. Okay so I need to add on that 33%. 

I guess I’m just scared to be me. I’m scared to say what’s on my mind, to be silly, to make stupid jokes.

I think I try too hard to be perfect. Nobody is perfect and most people know that and will accept you for who you are. 

I’m not perfect. I’m not the prettiest person on earth nor the smartest. I’m not the funniest, not the nicest. I have struggles and I had them too. I’m just me. I have flaws and you know what? That’s okay.

Black Boy

I can write a love story about every guy I’ve ever liked. 

Soft gentle full lips on mine.

A touch here

A hand there

A squeeze

A bite

A smile 

We stop and stare

I move away still staring

I’m cheesing

He’s laughing

“What?”

“You’re so cute.”

A pull

Hands at my waist

Arms around his neck

Another kiss

More intense 

A deep inhale

A tighter squeeze 

More

He wants more

I want more

But we stop

And that is

The end

Fast

I’m going on a fast.

I need to clear my mind.

Something is going on with me.

Social media has always made me sad, but I still check it.

I keep comparing myself to other people. 

I have this constant fear that my friends secretly don’t like me.

I know they do, it’s just that I worry about that a lot.

I worry a lot.

I like to be noticed.

I like attention.

There’s so much going on in my mind.

I have a constant fear that I’m not good enough.

I don’t know why I’m confessing all of this.

I just need to get some things out.

On the outside I look fine. 

On the inside I’m not.

I’m not fine. 

Things are going okay in my life, but I’m not okay.

I don’t know why.

My friend told me I judge myself too harshly.

She’s right, I do.

I’m staying off of social media for the rest of this week. 

Rule of Life #6

Self doubt is toxic.

It truly is.

Everybody doubts themselves even the most confident person in the world.

I feel like they have the most self doubt because they’re counting on themselves. I don’t know if that makes sense. Whatever, it makes sense to me.

Link

I’ve been disconnected from writing, reading, God, and things that are important to me.

I’ve been connected to my phone.

When I’m disconnected to important things, my mind acts up. It’s weird. My memory goes away, my confidence goes down, my happiness leaves, I’m not content when I’m disconnected.

I need to disconnect from my phone and connect to everything else.

Update ew I hate dat werd

1.) Prom was last Saturday. I wore a suit.

2.) I’m not sure if I’m losing myself or actually becoming who I truly am. We’ll see. The reason for the unsurity is because I don’t know who Hannah is, so becoming her is new for me.

3.) I’m currently writing erotica. Hehehe! My friend inspired me to write one. It’s prettay good so far lol

4.) Things are going swell, but I know this isn’t going to last.

*So I just found out that unsurity isn’t a word…

Cause I’m a woman

W-O-M-A-N

I’m 18

I’m a woman

I’m a black woman.

I won’t stop being angsty.

The angst will go away on its own.

I can still be rebellious, but I’m gonna have to watch out more be—-

(Omg breaking news!!

This boy that I liked last year Snapchatted me. I just opened it and did not reply. I am utterly grossed out about that crush.)

I don’t want to want. I want to just be. Be content and hope for the best.

Is it bad to rethink things? I need to talk to God. I haven’t really talked to Him in a while.

✂✂

Cutting people off 

Snip snip

Well, one person

Cutting my hair

Snip snip

Not all of it

I actually have good friends and it took a certain situation with 2 people to realize it.

I should listen to my siblings more and the friends who actually are a good influence on me. 

Today is Mother’s Day. My mom is enjoying it so far. It’s pretty good for me too.

My mom, my brother, and I went to a mother’s day Haitian banquet. It was nice.

trash talk

 

(the negatives)

everytime i try to open up to her about my deep personal problems, she always brushes it off and never takes it seriously.

she talks to me like i’m a child and she disrespects me like a lot

one time at lunch i showed her this weird text message that my mom sent me and she told the whole lunch table and started making fun of me

if i wanted the whole table to know I would have shown them and not only her

you know what irritates me the most tho?

i cant ever have an intellectual conversation with her because she acts like she has all the answers

the only time she ever really wants to talk to me is whenever i mention a certain boy or some type of drug

she’s a good person and everything, but i can’t tolerate her anymore

i should probably say something to her

my brother said that if i don’t say anything nothing is going to change

but idk how to tell her that she’s kind of a bitch

i found the word! she’s condescending

she talks to me in a condescending tone

she doesn’t know when to shut up

(the positives)

she’s really nice and not judgemental

she does give good valid advice, but maybe she can fucking listen to all that i’m saying first before opening her damn mouth

shes smart

i tried a new thing because of her and that was nice

i can be weird as fuck around her and she won’t care because she’s weird AF

she’s open minded

very very kind, that’s something i admire about her. I wish i had a kind heart

i know she’s a good friend

she’s authentic

she doesn’t give a shit about peoples opinions

she gives nice hugs

(stuff)

this is kind of my fault, she probably doesn’t take my problems seriously because when I talk about my them i smile

i smile because i’m afraid people aren’t going to take it seriously

also because even tho things aren’t really going well in my life i act like i’m okay and i’m a good actress

another reason why she probs doesnt take me seriously is because i’m private and i only say the problems that are socially acceptable

she thinks i’m so privileged, but i’m not

but i’m not going to try to prove myself to her

because that’s stupid

my brother says i need to be authentic

i can’t be authentic with her, i don’t know why

i should say something

there’s very few people who really know me and understand my personality

(all of siblings of course lol)

their initials: M, M, R, S, J, E, J, C

all of those people i met this school year except for C I knew C since freshman year, but the girl i’m talking about i’ve known her since freshman year too, soooo…. but i guess that’s kind of my fault i only show her half of me instead of all of me

wow i really suck as a friend

i’m a big ass phony

das crazy

now i want to tell her that i’m sorry. she’s an amazing person and i just talked trash about her

wow i’m an awful person

(other stuff)

i’m not that annoyed anymore

i just needed to get some things out

!

So What – P!NK im alright im just fine and youre a tool