It happened

I cried

I woke up. I grabbed my phone and scrolled through Instagram for a few minutes. I stopped, went to YouTube, and watched a Bible Project video. I pray then lay down. I don't remember what I was thinking, but I remember that I was numb. Something wasn't right. I need to write, I thought to myself. I get my journal. I open it and write a few sentences. I stare at the words. I stare. I stare. Something isn't right. I lean back on the wall. I'm numb. I'm numb. I'm numb. I'm nu–right before you cry something happens to your body that tells you that you're about to cry. I don't know how to describe it, but all of a sudden tears form in my eyes. I put my hand on my mouth. I begin to sniffle. I can't cry. I knew I couldn't stop myself, so I decided that I was going to cry alone in my room. My cry began to develop in to a storm. My arms and legs, moving on it's own grabbed my pants and put it on. No, no. My mouth calls my brothers name, "Emmanuel." My cry deepens. I was a thunderstorm. Rain fell from my eyes. Thunder boomed from chest. I walk out of my room, my hands on my face. Emmanuel rushes towards me, panicked, "Hannah, what's wrong?"

Crying doesn't make you weak, it makes you whole. It's oddly refreshing. Crying cleanses you.

There was something going on with me. It's hard to explain. I don't know. I cried because I woke up sad and I felt like I wasn't good enough.

To be honest, I wasn't quite sure what I was crying about. But this sudden something just came over me. I don't know.

My mind is weird. I think there's something wrong with me. I don't know.

I want to cry!!

I was THIS close to crying a few weeks ago, but my body wouldn't allow it. I almost cried prom night, but my brother stopped me. I'm glad he did, I could've ruined my makeup lol! Oh!! I actually I do remember when I had a hearty cry! It was this summer. I was watching a TED talk. Two black women were speaking. The talk was called "When Black Women Walk Things Change." (Watch it! So Good). I was surprised that I cried, it was so inspiring! It wasn't a sad cry it was a happy cry. I kept saying, "This is so inspiring, oh my gosh," as I wiped the tears from my eyes. It was a great video and I advise all of you to watch it. Anyway, I'm not a cryer and I want to be, the last time I had a good hearty cry before that must've been sometime last year! Oh actually it was this year in January, my brother and father were pressuring me about college…

Growing up I was bullied a lot. Every year all the way to the eighth grade I had a bully. I remember this one time in first grade this girl made me cry and I couldn't hold it in. I asked my teacher if I could use the bathroom, but she could tell I was about to cry so she stopped me and asked me what was wrong. As I got older I would cry in the bathroom or myself to sleep. I remember my father hated when we cried. He'd get angry and yell, "Why are you crying?!" Trying to explain why wasn't easy because he'd get even more angry.

So I stopped crying in public.

I cried in middle school once. Eighth grade. It wasn't because of bullying. My teacher lost all of my redo work. I got so angry and frustrated and I told her off. I didn't yell or scream or swear. I was annoyed because she never taught anything and we had to teach our—okay, okay, Hannah chill this isn't about your middle school teacher it's about crying.

Right. Okay.

Everyone was so surprised because they'd never seen me cry, but I did cry. I cried my self to sleep almost every night because of the bullying. I cried about everything. Freshman year of high school I was still crying myself to sleep. I wasn't getting bullied, but I was still thinking about the past bullying. As high school went on I was crying less and less.

I cried a few times sophomore year.

When I was going through depression junior year. I only cried once, but what I really I was numb.

It's like when I do need to cry or want to my body and mind just stops it.

I have so much to cry about and I want to let it out!!! My friend and I went screaming yesterday (very therapeutic, I must say). It was great and I hope we do it again. I thought I was going to cry, but I didn't.

I think I know my problem. I have too many walls. I don't want people to see that I'm broken and that I want and need help. For example, no body noticed my depression. I did. Everyone was surprised. I hide things so well. People rarely ask me if I'm doing okay because I look okay, but I'm not. I'm not.

Yay!!

So I had my first kiss a few weeks ago! It was wonderful! 

We kissed again yesterday and it was great!

I want to tell everyone in the whole world about it.

I want to give people every single detail. So amazing!!!!

I want to do it again!!!!!!

I want to do it again!!!!

I want to do it again!!

I didn’t know awesome kissing was till I finally had my first kiss. 

I need to chill it wasn’t that good…

Why am I lying, it was THAT good. lol 

In April I dated a guy for a week, my first boyfriend, David, he never kissed me. Never!!

I wanted to kiss him so badly, I even told him. 

But David was afraid to because I’m a Christian girl and he thought that I was gonna think it was a sin. Ugh *rolls eyes*

Okayyy, but I’m not going to lie, when I first made out with Adam* I did feel like a hoe afterwards. I don’t know why. Yes I do. I felt like a hoe because I sat on his lap. (Okay why am I sharing this??). And yesterday I 

I…I

You know what?

Never mind.