Tag: fun

January

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how much I want a boyfriend. I would really like that, but I know that a boyfriend is not what I need in my life right now…and I’m okay with that. hmmmm….growth. Okay Hannah! lolz

I know that God is going to send me an amazing guy because he from God. I’m not going to try to pursue any crushes either because I just know it’s not worth it. Honestly, I haven’t had a crush in a whillllllllle. I think I said that already in another post. Whatevs.

Right now I’ve been trying to focus on friendships, my future, and school. You know what I noticed? I noticed that I need reassurance when it comes to friendships. I have some friends from high school and a friend of mine that I grew up with. I thought I was drifting away from them, but I actually wasn’t. They still appreciate me. I didn’t ask them if we were still friends or anything, I just felt the reassurance in the conversations that we have had. So yeah. I wish I didn’t need reassurance, but I guess that’s just the way I am.

I Know What I Want To Do

But at the same time, I don’t. I was just writing an essay for my portfolio for an art school and as I was writing I was thinking to myself, is this what I really want to do? Because I’m trying to get into film, but what I really want to be is a magazine editor for my own magazine. I want to be a writer for Insecure. I also want to own an art gallery, but I don’t know how to do that. I know how to get into film. I know how become a screenwriter. I know exactly what I should do. I mean, yeah, I do want to write and co-direct a psychological thriller and a comedy. I do!! But that is not what I really really want to do. I need guidance from God. I always say that, but then I never go to God. I just strategize in my head and never get anything done.

My head: If I finish this year off at P state then I could transfer to Columbia College for film and I can take classes to help me become a better filmmaker. Then I’ll be able to add more to my portfolio. Also I already have filmmaker friends, and I’m working with them, so that’ll build my cred up. If I continue doing this working and creating, I’m sure I’ll make it. But maybe I could stay at P state for one more year…change my major to journalism, then transfer to DePaul and continue journalism. During that time I could also work on my magazine blah blah blah blah blah blah

God’s got me. You guys pray for me cause I’m lazy.

Priorities

I was praying to God last week asking Him for some ungodly things. I then thought about my successful role models and people I know that are going to be successful and I thought to myself, shiz, I need to get my priorities straight.

What I wanted wasn’t going to do anything for me! I was focusing on the wrong shiz.

I told God that I want to focus on Him. I want Him to be my number 1 priority. He’s getting there. He is.

So yeah, I had to stop asking God what I was asking for. I had to get my mind off of that! I then began focusing on school, my mental/physical health, my artistry. Things that are important to me, I began focusing on them.

God, what I want, I’m not going to lie and say I don’t want it now because I do, but You will give it to me when the time is right. I know You will and I trust You.

Curtain

As most of you know in high school I struggled with not feeling black enough. Thank God, I’ve come to the point of being okay with my own blackness.

Anyway, I noticed that a lot of my favorite books, TV shows, movies, are about white people problems. And a lot of my favorite actors, actresses, authors, and singers are white. Because I’ve been so immersed in “white culture” or whatever, I kind of lost myself. I don’t know if that makes sense to you, but it does to me. For example, my new favorite book is Big Little Lies. I’m also in love with the miniseries. I watched it twice. Anyway, the second time, I wanted my brother to watch it with me. He liked it and didn’t finish it because he was just so annoyed. He was telling me that he just couldn’t relate to them because they were so privileged. He’d laugh at the obstacles they faced in the show making cynical remarks. I mean being in an abusive relationship isn’t something to laugh about, but he didn’t get that far.

It’s crazy because Big Little Lies barely has any black people in it. I was so into my white books, my white shows, my “white music”, everything, that I became annoyed with things from my own culture and my mind was just in an unhealthy place. I didn’t even know it! Last Thursday, I forced myself to watch Issa Rae’s Insecure and I fell in love with it. I’m not in my late 20s, but the show is so relatable. It is because I’m black, of course, but I feel like the show expresses problems everyone faces. For example, Molly, a black lawyer who is great at her job is making less than the white men. Any woman can relate to that, since all women get paid less than men. Everybody can relate to the all relationship problems. Oh and when you want to just be a hoe, guys and girls can relate to that.

But yeah…I’m still going to watch my “white shows” and stuff, but they can’t be the only ones I’m supporting.

Thank you…again lol

I just want to thank the people who follow me. You guys have read my posts when I was in tough times and good times. You’ve guys watched me change. I was 15 when I started this blog. 15! My mind was different then. I’m not the most confident person, but I’m secure in myself than I was then.

I know I can’t see you all, but I just know you guys aren’t judging me and I truly appreciate that. I have 72 followers!! My brother told me to imagine all my readers in a room…72 people? That’s a lot. So thanks for following me and watching me grow.

“Is someone in the crowd the only thing you really see?

Watching while the world keeps spinning ’round?

Somewhere there’s a place where I find who I’m gonna be

A somewhere that’s just waiting to be found”

Lately, I’ve been feeling good. I haven’t been spending so much money, I haven’t been saying bad things about myself. I’m not doing so bad in school. Things are going well. Yes, there are days when my mind is like 💥⚡️, but I’m okay. I know things are alright. I think this peace or whatever is from God. He’s doing something. Oh! I forgot, I’m also doing better at work. I don’t think I’m going to get fired anymore. I’m working on a secret project too! Thinking about it makes me laugh. Ooh I can’t wait till it’s finished!!

13-early 20s

Stage 5: Identity vs. Role Confusion

What is meant by “identity”?

What is “role confusion”?

How does one achieve a healthy sense of identity?

Failure to achieve?

We ask ourselves these questions.

18, still figuring it out.

My sister is 25 years old. She answered some of these questions at the beginning of the year. Good for her.

Let’s find ourselves together!!! I have a psych exam tomorrow. Uh-ohhhh

The La La Land soundtrack is buzzing in my head.

[Intro: First Girl]

“Ba-ba-da-ba da-ba-da-ba

Ba-ba-ba ba-da-ba-da-ba

Ba-ba-ba ba

I think about that day

I left him at a Greyhound station

West of Santa Fé

We were seventeen, but he was sweet and it was true

Still I did what I had to do

‘Cause I just knew…”

I watched the musical yesterday very early in the morning. An hour after I finished it, I fell asleep. I woke up at nine. I had class at 9:30 AM.

Happy

“Happy came to visit me…”

I’m so happy in this moment. I saw a close friend of mine today! I hung out with her a lot over summer vacation. I haven’t even seen her since then. Anyway, it was a great moment. She’s so positive and encouraging. She’s an amazing person and it’s sad because it took me a while to realize that.

I haven’t been around a person like her in a while. You know? Someone who’s all about having good vibes and positivity. When someone else is happy and jubilant, then I am too. I needed that. I wasn’t feeling too good today and she made my day brighter.

So thanks God for letting me run into her, that was great!