In the 8th grade

I wanted to be taller
I wanted to be slimmer
I wanted to have smaller boobs

But mainly out of all those I really wanted to be taller.

I did research. What's the average height for women? 5'6

My favorite actress were also that height. I asked my siblings if it was too late for me to grow. They said no.

I would pray to God everyday to be 5'6. I would go on fasts, that I would eventually break (lol).

On New Year's Eve, my church would have a party. My sister told us to write down prayers to God instead of resolutions. You'd keep the paper till the end of the year and see if any of them were answered.

My first prayer to God was to be 5'6 before high school started. I wrote some other things on the paper, but I don't remember.

So the whole year of 2013, I stopped worrying about my height because I knew that I was going to be 5'6. I prayed about it occasionally, but not as much as I did a year ago.

My favorite show is glee and one of my favorite characters is Rachel Berry played by Lea Michele. Now, Lea Michele is 5'2 and she was rocking her, but I didn't think too much of that because I wanted to be tall.

Through out the year I thought I was growing.

I wasn't.

When August came and I went to the doctor for a check up when they measured me they said I was 5'0. Five feet tall!! At that point in the year I didn't care as much about my height, but I was disappointed.

I asked God why didn't I grow. Then I thought about how I probably hindered myself when I didn't finish my fast, or I wasn't praying enough.

Through out my high school career I only grew one inch.

I realized later that God wanted me to be okay with myself. That I'm beautiful whether I'm tall or small. I'm glad He taught me that.

It happened

I cried

I woke up. I grabbed my phone and scrolled through Instagram for a few minutes. I stopped, went to YouTube, and watched a Bible Project video. I pray then lay down. I don't remember what I was thinking, but I remember that I was numb. Something wasn't right. I need to write, I thought to myself. I get my journal. I open it and write a few sentences. I stare at the words. I stare. I stare. Something isn't right. I lean back on the wall. I'm numb. I'm numb. I'm numb. I'm nu–right before you cry something happens to your body that tells you that you're about to cry. I don't know how to describe it, but all of a sudden tears form in my eyes. I put my hand on my mouth. I begin to sniffle. I can't cry. I knew I couldn't stop myself, so I decided that I was going to cry alone in my room. My cry began to develop in to a storm. My arms and legs, moving on it's own grabbed my pants and put it on. No, no. My mouth calls my brothers name, "Emmanuel." My cry deepens. I was a thunderstorm. Rain fell from my eyes. Thunder boomed from chest. I walk out of my room, my hands on my face. Emmanuel rushes towards me, panicked, "Hannah, what's wrong?"

Crying doesn't make you weak, it makes you whole. It's oddly refreshing. Crying cleanses you.

There was something going on with me. It's hard to explain. I don't know. I cried because I woke up sad and I felt like I wasn't good enough.

To be honest, I wasn't quite sure what I was crying about. But this sudden something just came over me. I don't know.

My mind is weird. I think there's something wrong with me. I don't know.

“You’ll get what you need”

That's life

"You can't always get what you want"

I'm glad

It was great

The best part

Being with him

Cheesing

Grinning

Laughing

It'll happen

Don't wait

Keep doing your thang

It'll happen

I don't know when

I don't know who

But

It'll happen

Annoyed

Life is coming at me fast and I kind of like it.

I have so much hope. I know things will turn out good.

I was telling my brother that about after college that I trust God will provide something for me.

My brother said he did too, but nothing good happened for him.

He and I are in two different boats. Things are going to get better for him and things will be better for me.

It was quite discouraging when he said that. For him it's like when he gives me advice he has to discourage me, I know he's not trying to, but he just does.

Innocent 

2. A simple, guileless, inexperienced, or unsophisticated person.

I’ve always been called innocent. It didn’t really bother me (it did just a little because yes I was inexperienced, but I wasn’t simple and guileless you feel?).

But it really started to bother me earlier this year. This girl, Jada, would call me that all the time. She’d laugh give me a side hug, lay her head on mine, and say, “Aw Hannah, you’re so cute and innocent.” I knew I was that way, but she made me feel like it was bad, and I knew it wasn’t. She was afraid to talk to me about certain things because of my innocence. David too! (The dude I dated for a week). It bothered me so much that I tried to be less innocent. I already swore and had a dirty mind, so I started cursing even more and saying lots of dirty jokes. But they still saw me as this cute little girl. I began to wear crop tops and show cleavage, I felt uncomfortable doing that, but I did it anyway. I just became this different person. But I was still cute and innocent in their eyes. After David broke up with me, I just stopped caring and did me. I was wondering why I cared so much.

I’m losing my pointtttt. What’s my point?? 

💡oh yeah!!

It’s weird though, ever since I had my first and second kiss I don’t feel innocent anymore. Kissing isn’t even a big deal, but I don’t know. I feel grown and sexy….and I don’t like it.

I don’t care to not be innocent anymore, but I’m trying to understand Jada and David’s definition of it. Do I have to do drugs, party, and have sex to be experienced? I’m really trying to understand this? 

Yeahhh I don’t remember my point…whatever

I’m just going to keep doing me, I’m not going to try to be someone I’m not to prove myself to other people. Nah. I’m so glad high school is over.

Cause I’m a woman

W-O-M-A-N

I’m 18

I’m a woman

I’m a black woman.

I won’t stop being angsty.

The angst will go away on its own.

I can still be rebellious, but I’m gonna have to watch out more be—-

(Omg breaking news!!

This boy that I liked last year Snapchatted me. I just opened it and did not reply. I am utterly grossed out about that crush.)

I don’t want to want. I want to just be. Be content and hope for the best.

Is it bad to rethink things? I need to talk to God. I haven’t really talked to Him in a while.

Draft Number Thirteen

It is okay to cry. I am pretty sure you hear that a lot, but seriously it’s good to let it all out. I read this quote and it said something along the lines of this: “It is okay to cry. We came out of are mother’s belly crying. Crying is a sign that we are alive.” Don’t be ashamed to cry. But do this: “Don’t cry for someone who won’t cry for you.” -Lauren Conrad.