In the 8th grade

I wanted to be taller
I wanted to be slimmer
I wanted to have smaller boobs

But mainly out of all those I really wanted to be taller.

I did research. What's the average height for women? 5'6

My favorite actress were also that height. I asked my siblings if it was too late for me to grow. They said no.

I would pray to God everyday to be 5'6. I would go on fasts, that I would eventually break (lol).

On New Year's Eve, my church would have a party. My sister told us to write down prayers to God instead of resolutions. You'd keep the paper till the end of the year and see if any of them were answered.

My first prayer to God was to be 5'6 before high school started. I wrote some other things on the paper, but I don't remember.

So the whole year of 2013, I stopped worrying about my height because I knew that I was going to be 5'6. I prayed about it occasionally, but not as much as I did a year ago.

My favorite show is glee and one of my favorite characters is Rachel Berry played by Lea Michele. Now, Lea Michele is 5'2 and she was rocking her, but I didn't think too much of that because I wanted to be tall.

Through out the year I thought I was growing.

I wasn't.

When August came and I went to the doctor for a check up when they measured me they said I was 5'0. Five feet tall!! At that point in the year I didn't care as much about my height, but I was disappointed.

I asked God why didn't I grow. Then I thought about how I probably hindered myself when I didn't finish my fast, or I wasn't praying enough.

Through out my high school career I only grew one inch.

I realized later that God wanted me to be okay with myself. That I'm beautiful whether I'm tall or small. I'm glad He taught me that.

I hate everything

1. I hate beauty
2. I hate social media
3. I hate societal pressure
4. I hate life
5. I hate curveballs
6. I hate being so insecure
7. I hate everything
8. I hate that I don't know what I'm doing with my life
9. I hate that I can't get what I want
10. I hate waiting
11. I hate negativity

I woke up in a neutral mood this morning. Honestly.

10 Something PM

I told this guy last Friday that I liked him.

I knew it was too late in the summer to tell him that, but I did it anyway.

I needed to get it off my chest.

He told me he liked me too, but it was definitely too late. We’re both going off to college next month. 

On Sunday, I asked him if it was really really too late. The first word in his response was, “unfortunately”. 

At the beginning of summer vacation, I was just sexually attracted to him, but then I began to see who he really was behind his attractiveness. He’s a loving, kind, smart dude. There’s so much to him that I have not seen. I want to see it. 

It’s too late.

It sucks. Sophomore year I had a crush on him, a HUGE crush. Then junior year came and it went away.

Then I started having feelings for his friend. Then I didn’t have any crushes. Then there was David. Now,  it’s the summer and I have feelings for this guy I will never be with. 

I hate crushes. I hate feelings. I hate time. I need it to slow down. I also hate self doubt. I’m saying that because I want to text him and invite him to hang, but I’m afraid that I’m too boring. 

I should just do it anyway. Do it! Do it! Do it! 

It’s okay, you’re fine whether he finds you boring or interesting, Hannah.

***

A few minutes later

Okay, so I just texted him. This is what I said: 

“*ADAM!!!

I just wanted to say goodnight”

He texted back saying he was right about to go to sleep and told me goodnight.

Gross, why am I sharing this…?

“Cause imma weirdo, imma imma weirdo”

For the past two weeks I’ve been alone with my thoughts. I think I started going crazy. I’m not kidding.

Finally, three days ago I hung out and interacted with people. Two days ago, yesterday, and today I did too.

I do like being alone sometimes, but not all of the time. It’s not good for the mind. I started losing weight and eating one meal a day. I was on my phone doing nothing. I was not being my best self.

I hung out with friends and family and we many fulfilling conversations. It was wonderful. It was what I needed. I like to interact and discuss shit. 

I learned so much in the past couple of days from being with people. It was nice.

Fast

I’m going on a fast.

I need to clear my mind.

Something is going on with me.

Social media has always made me sad, but I still check it.

I keep comparing myself to other people. 

I have this constant fear that my friends secretly don’t like me.

I know they do, it’s just that I worry about that a lot.

I worry a lot.

I like to be noticed.

I like attention.

There’s so much going on in my mind.

I have a constant fear that I’m not good enough.

I don’t know why I’m confessing all of this.

I just need to get some things out.

On the outside I look fine. 

On the inside I’m not.

I’m not fine. 

Things are going okay in my life, but I’m not okay.

I don’t know why.

My friend told me I judge myself too harshly.

She’s right, I do.

I’m staying off of social media for the rest of this week. 

THIS IS NOT A POEM (I am completely serious)

I don’t know what’s happening to me.

At the beginning of the year I knew who I was. I knew what I wanted to be. I was very passionate too.

But all of a sudden, school started.

All my dreams, passions, hopes, and everything just vanished.

I feel like an alien in my own body.

It’s like I have to start all over.

I don’t know who I am anymore.

I really need help.

That’s kind of the reason why I wanted to see a therapist.

I just wanted to talk to someone about everything.

When I say everything. I mean EVERYTHING.

I do have friends that would be willing to listen, my family too.

But I don’t know, I’m just tired.

Being Tall In a Small World: My Third Interview With Gaelle Pierre

This summer I wanted to be productive. I wanted to work on my blogs and be happy. So on June 22, 2015 I decided that I wanted to interview Gaelle Pierre. Here’s the dealio… I originally wanted to interview her last year, like I had all the questions and everything, but I couldn’t. Something got in the way. (*Cough* *Cough* Canvassing (UGHHHHHHH!!!!!!) *Cough*).

Anyway…

Gaelle Pierre is my sister’s friend. I believe that they are very close. Gaelle went to Andrews University, which is a Seventh-Day Adventist college in Michigan. She is very very smart you can see that when reading the interview. The reason why I wanted to interview Gaelle was because I thought she was very interesting.

Different.

And not average.

I had to interview on Facebook because she lives in another state.

INTERVIEWS ALEATOIRE: You’re tall for a girl, when you were younger did you get bullied a lot or at all?

GAELLE PIERRE: No, I didn’t get bullied really. I was always the “odd individual” out. So while every other female in my group blended in, I always stuck out and was a bit awkward. I hated it as an adolescent.

IA: Sometimes that’s worse than getting bullied. It’s hard being different. So you really didn’t feel accepted?

GP: No, I didn’t feel accepted. As an adolescent all you want to be is normal. And with my tall stature, I was far from that. i was always last in line (we would go by height order) or all the way back for pictures. The only benefit was that I was usually picked first for many games my classmates played. People always believed that my height meant I had “supernatural” athletic abilities. Little did they know lol.

IA: So what are the advantages of being tall and the disadvantages for you?

GP: Some advantages of being tall, at least for me personally is that because of my body shape and length, I always look very slender/slim. My metabolism is fast, making it practically near impossible for me to gain weight. Another advantage for some might be the athletic aspect; some sports like basketball or volley ball might come a little bit easier because of height advantages. A disadvantage for me clothing options being limited. Finding articles of clothing that are actually long enough for my arms and legs can be a challenge. A large portion of stores display, sell and market clothes that are tailored to those of average height. Even for the few stores that do cater to the taller individuals (especially for females), clothing can be a bit more on the expensive side (more fabric is used for taller individual, making them over price the article of clothing in order to make an adequate profit).

IA: When did you start accepting your height?

GP: I started truly accepting my height the end of my senior year. I started to realize that this was a blessing that God had given me. I could either embrace it or spend  the rest of my life trying to ignore it. So I started to embrace it.

People need to understand that being different is not that bad. Embrace who you are and be happy. It was a struggle for Gaelle. You´re not going to be accepting of yourself so quickly, it takes time. Being different fun, but challenging. Those challenges help us to become accepting of ourselves and others.