Fast

I’m going on a fast.

I need to clear my mind.

Something is going on with me.

Social media has always made me sad, but I still check it.

I keep comparing myself to other people. 

I have this constant fear that my friends secretly don’t like me.

I know they do, it’s just that I worry about that a lot.

I worry a lot.

I like to be noticed.

I like attention.

There’s so much going on in my mind.

I have a constant fear that I’m not good enough.

I don’t know why I’m confessing all of this.

I just need to get some things out.

On the outside I look fine. 

On the inside I’m not.

I’m not fine. 

Things are going okay in my life, but I’m not okay.

I don’t know why.

My friend told me I judge myself too harshly.

She’s right, I do.

I’m staying off of social media for the rest of this week. 

Not Again 

I hate myself. No, I really do.

I just wish I had confidence.

I wish I was smart and intellectual.

I wish I was a better writer.

I wish I had good habits.

I wish and I want so much.

I’m mad at myself. Hannah, if it’s not funny don’t laugh. I have to remind myself of that. I don’t want to be fake. I want to be honest with myself and everyone around me, I just don’t want to be rude. Why am I feeling this way?? Oh, I know why, it’s because of some boy.

I’m Back Bitches

Hey.

Recap of my life:

1.) I think my depression is getting better!

2.) I’m on the honor roll (yassss!!)

3.) I started doubting God and I think I became agnostic for like a month.

4.) I gave a boy that I really like my number!

5.) I decided to have Bible study lessons with my Pastor. (I’m trying to be a follower of Christ instead of a fan*)

6.) I’m reading a book called Not a Fan by Kyle Idleman*

7.) I’m a much better creative writer. I’ll show y’all some pieces one day!

8.) I am slowly becoming confident in myself and I’m starting not to care what others think of me.

9.) I’m back bitches.

 

Follow me around! Twitter & Instagram: @mshannahleo

Hair Instagram: @sisterlocks16

 

 

THIS IS NOT A POEM (I am completely serious)

I don’t know what’s happening to me.

At the beginning of the year I knew who I was. I knew what I wanted to be. I was very passionate too.

But all of a sudden, school started.

All my dreams, passions, hopes, and everything just vanished.

I feel like an alien in my own body.

It’s like I have to start all over.

I don’t know who I am anymore.

I really need help.

That’s kind of the reason why I wanted to see a therapist.

I just wanted to talk to someone about everything.

When I say everything. I mean EVERYTHING.

I do have friends that would be willing to listen, my family too.

But I don’t know, I’m just tired.

Being Tall In a Small World: My Third Interview With Gaelle Pierre

This summer I wanted to be productive. I wanted to work on my blogs and be happy. So on June 22, 2015 I decided that I wanted to interview Gaelle Pierre. Here’s the dealio… I originally wanted to interview her last year, like I had all the questions and everything, but I couldn’t. Something got in the way. (*Cough* *Cough* Canvassing (UGHHHHHHH!!!!!!) *Cough*).

Anyway…

Gaelle Pierre is my sister’s friend. I believe that they are very close. Gaelle went to Andrews University, which is a Seventh-Day Adventist college in Michigan. She is very very smart you can see that when reading the interview. The reason why I wanted to interview Gaelle was because I thought she was very interesting.

Different.

And not average.

I had to interview on Facebook because she lives in another state.

INTERVIEWS ALEATOIRE: You’re tall for a girl, when you were younger did you get bullied a lot or at all?

GAELLE PIERRE: No, I didn’t get bullied really. I was always the “odd individual” out. So while every other female in my group blended in, I always stuck out and was a bit awkward. I hated it as an adolescent.

IA: Sometimes that’s worse than getting bullied. It’s hard being different. So you really didn’t feel accepted?

GP: No, I didn’t feel accepted. As an adolescent all you want to be is normal. And with my tall stature, I was far from that. i was always last in line (we would go by height order) or all the way back for pictures. The only benefit was that I was usually picked first for many games my classmates played. People always believed that my height meant I had “supernatural” athletic abilities. Little did they know lol.

IA: So what are the advantages of being tall and the disadvantages for you?

GP: Some advantages of being tall, at least for me personally is that because of my body shape and length, I always look very slender/slim. My metabolism is fast, making it practically near impossible for me to gain weight. Another advantage for some might be the athletic aspect; some sports like basketball or volley ball might come a little bit easier because of height advantages. A disadvantage for me clothing options being limited. Finding articles of clothing that are actually long enough for my arms and legs can be a challenge. A large portion of stores display, sell and market clothes that are tailored to those of average height. Even for the few stores that do cater to the taller individuals (especially for females), clothing can be a bit more on the expensive side (more fabric is used for taller individual, making them over price the article of clothing in order to make an adequate profit).

IA: When did you start accepting your height?

GP: I started truly accepting my height the end of my senior year. I started to realize that this was a blessing that God had given me. I could either embrace it or spend  the rest of my life trying to ignore it. So I started to embrace it.

People need to understand that being different is not that bad. Embrace who you are and be happy. It was a struggle for Gaelle. You´re not going to be accepting of yourself so quickly, it takes time. Being different fun, but challenging. Those challenges help us to become accepting of ourselves and others.

Self-Esteem

Freshmen year of high school, I wrote a short essay for English about self-esteem. Here it is:

Self-Esteem

By: Hannah Leonard

“I feel pretty oh so pretty I feel pretty and witty and bright and I pity any girl who isn’t me…” Should not a girl or a boy always feel that way. Feeling good about yourself is good for the mind, body and soul. I feel that way all the time. There’s times when I feel down and uncertain about my self, but that doesn’t mean I’m not confident. Feeling low about your self can make you miserable. People wouldn’t want to be around you because you are sad and depressed. Be happy and don’t worry.

Being cocky isn’t cool. Yeah having confidence is good, but when you have a lot. That’s a whole different story. Self centered people are rich and famous and some are not. You can be cocky if yo– You know what? Just be yourself, and be confident. Don’t care what people say about you, be happy and don’t worry. There is somebody knocking on the door who loves you. Open the door and be happy. You should not care if somebody started a rumor about you or said something about you. It isn’t true, so move on with your life. Be honest, loyal and trustworthy. One more thing, don’t worry and be happy!

EX CRUSH

*names have been changed.

So recently I just got over a crush. My ex crush name is Adam. I met him in my Geometry class at the beginning of the school year. We sat right across from each other. Also I came back from this summer program, and I became nice and social. I usually never start conversations. This is how we met:

ME: Hello! I like your backpack! (smiling)

(ADAM had a brown leather book bag)

ADAM: Thanks, my mom got it for me…

ME: Oh. Cool. (I nod my head and it got awkward)

As time went on we interacted with each other either about math homework or small talk. Geometry was one of my coldest classes, so I always wore sweaters.

ADAM: You wear sweaters a lot.

ME: (chuckles) Oh.

ADAM: Yeah, do have like a closet full of sweaters?

ME: Um, no. (laughs)

I started developing a crush on Adam. It wasn’t big just small. Then when my math teacher moved our seats, my crush became bigger…

In January, people started getting ready for the second school dance. It was called Turnabout. The girl would ask the guy. I decided I would ask Adam. I was telling my friends and stuff. I was too excited and scared. I was scared because I was afraid of what he was going to say. My friends kept telling me that the worst he can say was no. I understood that, but Adam he was kind of on the rude side. (When I first met him, he was chill and nice. Then, I guess once he got comfortable with people he showed his mean side. He was never mean to me though. I just had to put that out there). Long story short, I didn’t ask him. I ended up not going to Turnabout. I didn’t want to go with friends because I know I would be third wheeling, and that’s not cool. But this is not about Turnabout, this is about my ex crush. So anyway after Turnabout happened I kind of stopped liking him. I actually didn’t want to like him anymore.

With the help of himself, it was easy to get over him. I figured out how irritating and mean he was. He would just yell at this boy and be mean to him for no reason. I wanted to tell Adam to shut the hell up. (But I’m not that type of person, I’m too classy to say that). He would get so angry and do stupid crap.

I don’t know why I wanted to tell you guys this…

BUT THANK GOD I’M OVER HIM!!!!!!! I’m so glad I didn’t ask him to Turnabout.

goodbye…

I’m sad. I’m really sad… I’m sad, because I only have a page and a half left in my journal. I have had this journal since 2011. I’ve had it for four friggin years. Now I’m almost done with it. Why? WHY does this journey have to come to an end. I guess this is my goodbye letter to my journal…

Dear journal, hmm… Where do I begin. When I first saw you on March 25, 2011, I fell in love with you. You were the only thing I could write in when I didn’t have someone to talk to. By writing in you, I grew. I don’t know what I grew into, but I know it was into something good. It’s really hard to say goodbye. Just to let you know, um I already replaced you. Yeah, my sister got me a new journal for Christmas… But I will write in those last pages before the year ends. I love you and goodbye…
Sincerely,
Hannah M. Leonard

Goodbye

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From old to new. Time to start a new journey.

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Violence

So I am really against violence. I do not like it at all. As a matter of fact, I hate it.
I have watched many videos of celebrities talking about violence and how it needs to stop. Just because you are a celebrity, a person isn’t going to just drop their gun, knife, fist, or whatever killing material in their hand and say: “I am done killing and punching people.” (But, I’m not gonna lie, if one of my favorite actors–*cough* Tom Hiddleston *cough* *cough*–made a video saying how violence needs to stop. I would surely listen.) We are surrounded by violence. It is on TV for goodness sake! Not only TV but it is also in music and in books. If you really want to get rid of violence get it off of the media and books. That encourages people, it gives them ideas. For example, crime scene shows. I am not saying stop watching TV or listening to music. But what I am saying is if you really hate violence you can not just say, you have to actually DO. People don’t like to be told what to do.
Also you have to practice what you preach. I am pretty sure if violence is on the media less, there would be less fights and murders.

Oh yeah, I am also not saying that violence is in every book, movie, TV show, etc.

Share, like, comment. Tell me what you think. I want to hear. Please follow tell others about my blog! Thank you!

Meditation

The day was dreary as I walked home from school. The trees were down, the sidewalk was damp, and the sky was cloudy. It had rained earlier, hence the dreariness. While I was walking home, I put my headphones on, turned on my iPod, and listened to the song “Church Bells” by Gungor. The trees looked gorgeous beside the sidewalk. So I sat down in the meditation position and sang the lyrics to the song. I heard cars pass by and I could feel the cool air brush past my face. I felt very peaceful at that sidewalk.
I’m pretty sure I got some dirty looks. But honestly I don’t give a care in the world.

Sometimes it’s good to meditate. It makes you feel free and calm. Usually when I meditate, I like to lie on the grass and close my eyes. I listen to everything that’s going on around me. When I do that I fall asleep or my mind wanders and I think about the present, which I don’t often think about. Meditating gives you a peace of mind. Gosh, I just love to mediate.
There are so many different ways to meditate. Some people pray to God or whatever they believe in and that gives them peace. There’s lots of different ways, I can’t really think of any other ways right now, so yeah…
Anyway, you should try meditating.

Comment and tell me how you meditate. Also like and tell other people about my blog!

Ps. If you don’t understand what I was talking about, just comment! Thank you!