I hate everything

1. I hate beauty
2. I hate social media
3. I hate societal pressure
4. I hate life
5. I hate curveballs
6. I hate being so insecure
7. I hate everything
8. I hate that I don't know what I'm doing with my life
9. I hate that I can't get what I want
10. I hate waiting
11. I hate negativity

I woke up in a neutral mood this morning. Honestly.

“You’ll get what you need”

That's life

"You can't always get what you want"

I'm glad

It was great

The best part

Being with him

Cheesing

Grinning

Laughing

It'll happen

Don't wait

Keep doing your thang

It'll happen

I don't know when

I don't know who

But

It'll happen

I want to cry!!

I was THIS close to crying a few weeks ago, but my body wouldn't allow it. I almost cried prom night, but my brother stopped me. I'm glad he did, I could've ruined my makeup lol! Oh!! I actually I do remember when I had a hearty cry! It was this summer. I was watching a TED talk. Two black women were speaking. The talk was called "When Black Women Walk Things Change." (Watch it! So Good). I was surprised that I cried, it was so inspiring! It wasn't a sad cry it was a happy cry. I kept saying, "This is so inspiring, oh my gosh," as I wiped the tears from my eyes. It was a great video and I advise all of you to watch it. Anyway, I'm not a cryer and I want to be, the last time I had a good hearty cry before that must've been sometime last year! Oh actually it was this year in January, my brother and father were pressuring me about college…

Growing up I was bullied a lot. Every year all the way to the eighth grade I had a bully. I remember this one time in first grade this girl made me cry and I couldn't hold it in. I asked my teacher if I could use the bathroom, but she could tell I was about to cry so she stopped me and asked me what was wrong. As I got older I would cry in the bathroom or myself to sleep. I remember my father hated when we cried. He'd get angry and yell, "Why are you crying?!" Trying to explain why wasn't easy because he'd get even more angry.

So I stopped crying in public.

I cried in middle school once. Eighth grade. It wasn't because of bullying. My teacher lost all of my redo work. I got so angry and frustrated and I told her off. I didn't yell or scream or swear. I was annoyed because she never taught anything and we had to teach our—okay, okay, Hannah chill this isn't about your middle school teacher it's about crying.

Right. Okay.

Everyone was so surprised because they'd never seen me cry, but I did cry. I cried my self to sleep almost every night because of the bullying. I cried about everything. Freshman year of high school I was still crying myself to sleep. I wasn't getting bullied, but I was still thinking about the past bullying. As high school went on I was crying less and less.

I cried a few times sophomore year.

When I was going through depression junior year. I only cried once, but what I really I was numb.

It's like when I do need to cry or want to my body and mind just stops it.

I have so much to cry about and I want to let it out!!! My friend and I went screaming yesterday (very therapeutic, I must say). It was great and I hope we do it again. I thought I was going to cry, but I didn't.

I think I know my problem. I have too many walls. I don't want people to see that I'm broken and that I want and need help. For example, no body noticed my depression. I did. Everyone was surprised. I hide things so well. People rarely ask me if I'm doing okay because I look okay, but I'm not. I'm not.

10 Something PM

I told this guy last Friday that I liked him.

I knew it was too late in the summer to tell him that, but I did it anyway.

I needed to get it off my chest.

He told me he liked me too, but it was definitely too late. We’re both going off to college next month. 

On Sunday, I asked him if it was really really too late. The first word in his response was, “unfortunately”. 

At the beginning of summer vacation, I was just sexually attracted to him, but then I began to see who he really was behind his attractiveness. He’s a loving, kind, smart dude. There’s so much to him that I have not seen. I want to see it. 

It’s too late.

It sucks. Sophomore year I had a crush on him, a HUGE crush. Then junior year came and it went away.

Then I started having feelings for his friend. Then I didn’t have any crushes. Then there was David. Now,  it’s the summer and I have feelings for this guy I will never be with. 

I hate crushes. I hate feelings. I hate time. I need it to slow down. I also hate self doubt. I’m saying that because I want to text him and invite him to hang, but I’m afraid that I’m too boring. 

I should just do it anyway. Do it! Do it! Do it! 

It’s okay, you’re fine whether he finds you boring or interesting, Hannah.

***

A few minutes later

Okay, so I just texted him. This is what I said: 

“*ADAM!!!

I just wanted to say goodnight”

He texted back saying he was right about to go to sleep and told me goodnight.

Gross, why am I sharing this…?

“Cause imma weirdo, imma imma weirdo”

Whole Milk

This is what I texted my friend:

“Name, tbh I honestly don’t want a relationship with anyone I don’t want to make out or be casual with a guy at all. All I want to do is cuddle and talk about life actually that’s my type of casual. I want to meet an attractive wholesome guy that would do that with me”

Let me rephrase that, a guy I’m a attracted to and who is attracted to me. No feelings though, no kissing, no sex, just cuddling. That’s all.

But that’s never going to happen. Never. Because we are sexual human beings. That’s not a problem. I wish some people were more wholesome. 

Actually maybe a few kisses 😉

Fast

I’m going on a fast.

I need to clear my mind.

Something is going on with me.

Social media has always made me sad, but I still check it.

I keep comparing myself to other people. 

I have this constant fear that my friends secretly don’t like me.

I know they do, it’s just that I worry about that a lot.

I worry a lot.

I like to be noticed.

I like attention.

There’s so much going on in my mind.

I have a constant fear that I’m not good enough.

I don’t know why I’m confessing all of this.

I just need to get some things out.

On the outside I look fine. 

On the inside I’m not.

I’m not fine. 

Things are going okay in my life, but I’m not okay.

I don’t know why.

My friend told me I judge myself too harshly.

She’s right, I do.

I’m staying off of social media for the rest of this week. 

Not Again 

I hate myself. No, I really do.

I just wish I had confidence.

I wish I was smart and intellectual.

I wish I was a better writer.

I wish I had good habits.

I wish and I want so much.

I’m mad at myself. Hannah, if it’s not funny don’t laugh. I have to remind myself of that. I don’t want to be fake. I want to be honest with myself and everyone around me, I just don’t want to be rude. Why am I feeling this way?? Oh, I know why, it’s because of some boy.