January

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how much I want a boyfriend. I would really like that, but I know that a boyfriend is not what I need in my life right now…and I’m okay with that. hmmmm….growth. Okay Hannah! lolz

I know that God is going to send me an amazing guy because he from God. I’m not going to try to pursue any crushes either because I just know it’s not worth it. Honestly, I haven’t had a crush in a whillllllllle. I think I said that already in another post. Whatevs.

Right now I’ve been trying to focus on friendships, my future, and school. You know what I noticed? I noticed that I need reassurance when it comes to friendships. I have some friends from high school and a friend of mine that I grew up with. I thought I was drifting away from them, but I actually wasn’t. They still appreciate me. I didn’t ask them if we were still friends or anything, I just felt the reassurance in the conversations that we have had. So yeah. I wish I didn’t need reassurance, but I guess that’s just the way I am.

I Know What I Want To Do

But at the same time, I don’t. I was just writing an essay for my portfolio for an art school and as I was writing I was thinking to myself, is this what I really want to do? Because I’m trying to get into film, but what I really want to be is a magazine editor for my own magazine. I want to be a writer for Insecure. I also want to own an art gallery, but I don’t know how to do that. I know how to get into film. I know how become a screenwriter. I know exactly what I should do. I mean, yeah, I do want to write and co-direct a psychological thriller and a comedy. I do!! But that is not what I really really want to do. I need guidance from God. I always say that, but then I never go to God. I just strategize in my head and never get anything done.

My head: If I finish this year off at P state then I could transfer to Columbia College for film and I can take classes to help me become a better filmmaker. Then I’ll be able to add more to my portfolio. Also I already have filmmaker friends, and I’m working with them, so that’ll build my cred up. If I continue doing this working and creating, I’m sure I’ll make it. But maybe I could stay at P state for one more year…change my major to journalism, then transfer to DePaul and continue journalism. During that time I could also work on my magazine blah blah blah blah blah blah

God’s got me. You guys pray for me cause I’m lazy.

Summer

Okay so you know the dude I’ve been talking about a lot…I just realized that I don’t really have feelings for him. He’s a great guy, but not for me. I was all in my feelings and shit for the past two weeks, then all of a sudden I wasn’t. That is the Lord working on me, I know it. This is so funny because I was texting my friends about him and listening to love songs. I almost cried. I’m laughing as I’m writing this post. This is so silly!! Wow! He and I were supposed to go see a movie in the park tomorrow which is July 18 and we planned this a few weeks ago. All last week I was thinking that by tomorrow he was gonna stand me up. I was all worried and everything. Then yesterday I realized that I don’t care to go with him as much as I did two days ago, I mean I wouldn’t mind, but it was just whatever. So last night I text him and asked him if he still wanted to go, but he couldn’t because he had to do something. I was totally fine and invited 2 other people. It’s true what they say. Feelings come and go. I’m sure I still have a little bit for him, but I don’t care anymore and that’s amazing. 

One thing is for sure about this dude. I don’t have any regrets kissing him or having feelings for him or anything because he is a special guy and I know that in the future he’s going to find a girl as great and special as he is.