I hate everything

1. I hate beauty
2. I hate social media
3. I hate societal pressure
4. I hate life
5. I hate curveballs
6. I hate being so insecure
7. I hate everything
8. I hate that I don't know what I'm doing with my life
9. I hate that I can't get what I want
10. I hate waiting
11. I hate negativity

I woke up in a neutral mood this morning. Honestly.

“You’ll get what you need”

That's life

"You can't always get what you want"

I'm glad

It was great

The best part

Being with him

Cheesing

Grinning

Laughing

It'll happen

Don't wait

Keep doing your thang

It'll happen

I don't know when

I don't know who

But

It'll happen

10 Something PM

I told this guy last Friday that I liked him.

I knew it was too late in the summer to tell him that, but I did it anyway.

I needed to get it off my chest.

He told me he liked me too, but it was definitely too late. We’re both going off to college next month. 

On Sunday, I asked him if it was really really too late. The first word in his response was, “unfortunately”. 

At the beginning of summer vacation, I was just sexually attracted to him, but then I began to see who he really was behind his attractiveness. He’s a loving, kind, smart dude. There’s so much to him that I have not seen. I want to see it. 

It’s too late.

It sucks. Sophomore year I had a crush on him, a HUGE crush. Then junior year came and it went away.

Then I started having feelings for his friend. Then I didn’t have any crushes. Then there was David. Now,  it’s the summer and I have feelings for this guy I will never be with. 

I hate crushes. I hate feelings. I hate time. I need it to slow down. I also hate self doubt. I’m saying that because I want to text him and invite him to hang, but I’m afraid that I’m too boring. 

I should just do it anyway. Do it! Do it! Do it! 

It’s okay, you’re fine whether he finds you boring or interesting, Hannah.

***

A few minutes later

Okay, so I just texted him. This is what I said: 

“*ADAM!!!

I just wanted to say goodnight”

He texted back saying he was right about to go to sleep and told me goodnight.

Gross, why am I sharing this…?

“Cause imma weirdo, imma imma weirdo”

Whole Milk

This is what I texted my friend:

“Name, tbh I honestly don’t want a relationship with anyone I don’t want to make out or be casual with a guy at all. All I want to do is cuddle and talk about life actually that’s my type of casual. I want to meet an attractive wholesome guy that would do that with me”

Let me rephrase that, a guy I’m a attracted to and who is attracted to me. No feelings though, no kissing, no sex, just cuddling. That’s all.

But that’s never going to happen. Never. Because we are sexual human beings. That’s not a problem. I wish some people were more wholesome. 

Actually maybe a few kisses 😉

Yay!!

So I had my first kiss a few weeks ago! It was wonderful! 

We kissed again yesterday and it was great!

I want to tell everyone in the whole world about it.

I want to give people every single detail. So amazing!!!!

I want to do it again!!!!!!

I want to do it again!!!!

I want to do it again!!

I didn’t know awesome kissing was till I finally had my first kiss. 

I need to chill it wasn’t that good…

Why am I lying, it was THAT good. lol 

In April I dated a guy for a week, my first boyfriend, David, he never kissed me. Never!!

I wanted to kiss him so badly, I even told him. 

But David was afraid to because I’m a Christian girl and he thought that I was gonna think it was a sin. Ugh *rolls eyes*

Okayyy, but I’m not going to lie, when I first made out with Adam* I did feel like a hoe afterwards. I don’t know why. Yes I do. I felt like a hoe because I sat on his lap. (Okay why am I sharing this??). And yesterday I 

I…I

You know what?

Never mind.

Fast

I’m going on a fast.

I need to clear my mind.

Something is going on with me.

Social media has always made me sad, but I still check it.

I keep comparing myself to other people. 

I have this constant fear that my friends secretly don’t like me.

I know they do, it’s just that I worry about that a lot.

I worry a lot.

I like to be noticed.

I like attention.

There’s so much going on in my mind.

I have a constant fear that I’m not good enough.

I don’t know why I’m confessing all of this.

I just need to get some things out.

On the outside I look fine. 

On the inside I’m not.

I’m not fine. 

Things are going okay in my life, but I’m not okay.

I don’t know why.

My friend told me I judge myself too harshly.

She’s right, I do.

I’m staying off of social media for the rest of this week. 

trash talk

 

(the negatives)

everytime i try to open up to her about my deep personal problems, she always brushes it off and never takes it seriously.

she talks to me like i’m a child and she disrespects me like a lot
one time at lunch i showed her this weird text message that my mom sent me and she told the whole lunch table and started making fun of me
if i wanted the whole table to know I would have shown them and not only her
you know what irritates me the most tho?
i cant ever have an intellectual conversation with her because she acts like she has all the answers
the only time she ever really wants to talk to me is whenever i mention a certain boy or some type of drug
she’s a good person and everything, but i can’t tolerate her anymore

i should probably say something to her

my brother said that if i don’t say anything nothing is going to change
but idk how to tell her that she’s kind of a bitch
i found the word! she’s condescending

she talks to me in a condescending tone
she doesn’t know when to shut up
(the positives)
she’s really nice and not judgemental
she does give good valid advice, but maybe she can fucking listen to all that i’m saying first before opening her damn mouth
shes smart
i tried a new thing because of her and that was nice
i can be weird as fuck around her and she won’t care because she’s weird AF
she’s open minded
very very kind, that’s something i admire about her. I wish i had a kind heart
i know she’s a good friend
she’s authentic
she doesn’t give a shit about peoples opinions
she gives nice hugs
(stuff)
this is kind of my fault, she probably doesn’t take my problems seriously because when I talk about my them i smile
i smile because i’m afraid people aren’t going to take it seriously
also because even tho things aren’t really going well in my life i act like i’m okay and i’m a good actress
another reason why she probs doesnt take me seriously is because i’m private and i only say the problems that are socially acceptable
she thinks i’m so privileged, but i’m not
but i’m not going to try to prove myself to her
because that’s stupid
my brother says i need to be authentic
i can’t be authentic with her, i don’t know why
i should say something
there’s very few people who really know me and understand my personality
(all of siblings of course lol)
their initials: M, M, R, S, J, E, J, C
all of those people i met this school year except for C I knew C since freshman year, but the girl i’m talking about i’ve known her since freshman year too, soooo…. but i guess that’s kind of my fault i only show her half of me instead of all of me
wow i really suck as a friend
i’m a big ass phony
das crazy
now i want to tell her that i’m sorry. she’s an amazing person and i just talked trash about her
wow i’m an awful person
(other stuff)
i’m not that annoyed anymore
i just needed to get some things out