Fast

I’m going on a fast.

I need to clear my mind.

Something is going on with me.

Social media has always made me sad, but I still check it.

I keep comparing myself to other people. 

I have this constant fear that my friends secretly don’t like me.

I know they do, it’s just that I worry about that a lot.

I worry a lot.

I like to be noticed.

I like attention.

There’s so much going on in my mind.

I have a constant fear that I’m not good enough.

I don’t know why I’m confessing all of this.

I just need to get some things out.

On the outside I look fine. 

On the inside I’m not.

I’m not fine. 

Things are going okay in my life, but I’m not okay.

I don’t know why.

My friend told me I judge myself too harshly.

She’s right, I do.

I’m staying off of social media for the rest of this week. 

trash talk

 

(the negatives)

everytime i try to open up to her about my deep personal problems, she always brushes it off and never takes it seriously.

she talks to me like i’m a child and she disrespects me like a lot
one time at lunch i showed her this weird text message that my mom sent me and she told the whole lunch table and started making fun of me
if i wanted the whole table to know I would have shown them and not only her
you know what irritates me the most tho?
i cant ever have an intellectual conversation with her because she acts like she has all the answers
the only time she ever really wants to talk to me is whenever i mention a certain boy or some type of drug
she’s a good person and everything, but i can’t tolerate her anymore

i should probably say something to her

my brother said that if i don’t say anything nothing is going to change
but idk how to tell her that she’s kind of a bitch
i found the word! she’s condescending

she talks to me in a condescending tone
she doesn’t know when to shut up
(the positives)
she’s really nice and not judgemental
she does give good valid advice, but maybe she can fucking listen to all that i’m saying first before opening her damn mouth
shes smart
i tried a new thing because of her and that was nice
i can be weird as fuck around her and she won’t care because she’s weird AF
she’s open minded
very very kind, that’s something i admire about her. I wish i had a kind heart
i know she’s a good friend
she’s authentic
she doesn’t give a shit about peoples opinions
she gives nice hugs
(stuff)
this is kind of my fault, she probably doesn’t take my problems seriously because when I talk about my them i smile
i smile because i’m afraid people aren’t going to take it seriously
also because even tho things aren’t really going well in my life i act like i’m okay and i’m a good actress
another reason why she probs doesnt take me seriously is because i’m private and i only say the problems that are socially acceptable
she thinks i’m so privileged, but i’m not
but i’m not going to try to prove myself to her
because that’s stupid
my brother says i need to be authentic
i can’t be authentic with her, i don’t know why
i should say something
there’s very few people who really know me and understand my personality
(all of siblings of course lol)
their initials: M, M, R, S, J, E, J, C
all of those people i met this school year except for C I knew C since freshman year, but the girl i’m talking about i’ve known her since freshman year too, soooo…. but i guess that’s kind of my fault i only show her half of me instead of all of me
wow i really suck as a friend
i’m a big ass phony
das crazy
now i want to tell her that i’m sorry. she’s an amazing person and i just talked trash about her
wow i’m an awful person
(other stuff)
i’m not that annoyed anymore
i just needed to get some things out

Beautiful?

My crush called me beautiful. I should be beaming with joy, I should be happy that he called me beautiful, but I hate it. I. Hate. It. I hate when people complement my physical appearance sometimes. I used to love it when I was younger because I thought if I look good I would have more friends and people would like me. I have very low self confidence. Now, on Monday he told me I was a unique individual and what I think matters. That was the best complement I had in a while. I like when people complement me on my mind and who I am as a person and I know I shouldn’t be relying on others to feel good about myself, but I don’t know… It would be nice if someone told me I was smart because I don’t think I am.

 

 

THIS IS NOT A POEM (I am completely serious)

I don’t know what’s happening to me.

At the beginning of the year I knew who I was. I knew what I wanted to be. I was very passionate too.

But all of a sudden, school started.

All my dreams, passions, hopes, and everything just vanished.

I feel like an alien in my own body.

It’s like I have to start all over.

I don’t know who I am anymore.

I really need help.

That’s kind of the reason why I wanted to see a therapist.

I just wanted to talk to someone about everything.

When I say everything. I mean EVERYTHING.

I do have friends that would be willing to listen, my family too.

But I don’t know, I’m just tired.

Being Tall In a Small World: My Third Interview With Gaelle Pierre

This summer I wanted to be productive. I wanted to work on my blogs and be happy. So on June 22, 2015 I decided that I wanted to interview Gaelle Pierre. Here’s the dealio… I originally wanted to interview her last year, like I had all the questions and everything, but I couldn’t. Something got in the way. (*Cough* *Cough* Canvassing (UGHHHHHHH!!!!!!) *Cough*).

Anyway…

Gaelle Pierre is my sister’s friend. I believe that they are very close. Gaelle went to Andrews University, which is a Seventh-Day Adventist college in Michigan. She is very very smart you can see that when reading the interview. The reason why I wanted to interview Gaelle was because I thought she was very interesting.

Different.

And not average.

I had to interview on Facebook because she lives in another state.

INTERVIEWS ALEATOIRE: You’re tall for a girl, when you were younger did you get bullied a lot or at all?

GAELLE PIERRE: No, I didn’t get bullied really. I was always the “odd individual” out. So while every other female in my group blended in, I always stuck out and was a bit awkward. I hated it as an adolescent.

IA: Sometimes that’s worse than getting bullied. It’s hard being different. So you really didn’t feel accepted?

GP: No, I didn’t feel accepted. As an adolescent all you want to be is normal. And with my tall stature, I was far from that. i was always last in line (we would go by height order) or all the way back for pictures. The only benefit was that I was usually picked first for many games my classmates played. People always believed that my height meant I had “supernatural” athletic abilities. Little did they know lol.

IA: So what are the advantages of being tall and the disadvantages for you?

GP: Some advantages of being tall, at least for me personally is that because of my body shape and length, I always look very slender/slim. My metabolism is fast, making it practically near impossible for me to gain weight. Another advantage for some might be the athletic aspect; some sports like basketball or volley ball might come a little bit easier because of height advantages. A disadvantage for me clothing options being limited. Finding articles of clothing that are actually long enough for my arms and legs can be a challenge. A large portion of stores display, sell and market clothes that are tailored to those of average height. Even for the few stores that do cater to the taller individuals (especially for females), clothing can be a bit more on the expensive side (more fabric is used for taller individual, making them over price the article of clothing in order to make an adequate profit).

IA: When did you start accepting your height?

GP: I started truly accepting my height the end of my senior year. I started to realize that this was a blessing that God had given me. I could either embrace it or spend  the rest of my life trying to ignore it. So I started to embrace it.

People need to understand that being different is not that bad. Embrace who you are and be happy. It was a struggle for Gaelle. You´re not going to be accepting of yourself so quickly, it takes time. Being different fun, but challenging. Those challenges help us to become accepting of ourselves and others.

And that’s that.

I’m not a feminist.

I’m just a young woman who does what I want in the world.

I’m a young woman who is ambitious.

I am a young woman who has freedom.

I am a strong young woman 

I am a woman.

Marilyn Monroe once said, “Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” 

Interesting.

Self-Esteem

Freshmen year of high school, I wrote a short essay for English about self-esteem. Here it is:

Self-Esteem

By: Hannah Leonard

“I feel pretty oh so pretty I feel pretty and witty and bright and I pity any girl who isn’t me…” Should not a girl or a boy always feel that way. Feeling good about yourself is good for the mind, body and soul. I feel that way all the time. There’s times when I feel down and uncertain about my self, but that doesn’t mean I’m not confident. Feeling low about your self can make you miserable. People wouldn’t want to be around you because you are sad and depressed. Be happy and don’t worry.

Being cocky isn’t cool. Yeah having confidence is good, but when you have a lot. That’s a whole different story. Self centered people are rich and famous and some are not. You can be cocky if yo– You know what? Just be yourself, and be confident. Don’t care what people say about you, be happy and don’t worry. There is somebody knocking on the door who loves you. Open the door and be happy. You should not care if somebody started a rumor about you or said something about you. It isn’t true, so move on with your life. Be honest, loyal and trustworthy. One more thing, don’t worry and be happy!

EX CRUSH

*names have been changed.

So recently I just got over a crush. My ex crush name is Adam. I met him in my Geometry class at the beginning of the school year. We sat right across from each other. Also I came back from this summer program, and I became nice and social. I usually never start conversations. This is how we met:

ME: Hello! I like your backpack! (smiling)

(ADAM had a brown leather book bag)

ADAM: Thanks, my mom got it for me…

ME: Oh. Cool. (I nod my head and it got awkward)

As time went on we interacted with each other either about math homework or small talk. Geometry was one of my coldest classes, so I always wore sweaters.

ADAM: You wear sweaters a lot.

ME: (chuckles) Oh.

ADAM: Yeah, do have like a closet full of sweaters?

ME: Um, no. (laughs)

I started developing a crush on Adam. It wasn’t big just small. Then when my math teacher moved our seats, my crush became bigger…

In January, people started getting ready for the second school dance. It was called Turnabout. The girl would ask the guy. I decided I would ask Adam. I was telling my friends and stuff. I was too excited and scared. I was scared because I was afraid of what he was going to say. My friends kept telling me that the worst he can say was no. I understood that, but Adam he was kind of on the rude side. (When I first met him, he was chill and nice. Then, I guess once he got comfortable with people he showed his mean side. He was never mean to me though. I just had to put that out there). Long story short, I didn’t ask him. I ended up not going to Turnabout. I didn’t want to go with friends because I know I would be third wheeling, and that’s not cool. But this is not about Turnabout, this is about my ex crush. So anyway after Turnabout happened I kind of stopped liking him. I actually didn’t want to like him anymore.

With the help of himself, it was easy to get over him. I figured out how irritating and mean he was. He would just yell at this boy and be mean to him for no reason. I wanted to tell Adam to shut the hell up. (But I’m not that type of person, I’m too classy to say that). He would get so angry and do stupid crap.

I don’t know why I wanted to tell you guys this…

BUT THANK GOD I’M OVER HIM!!!!!!! I’m so glad I didn’t ask him to Turnabout.

The Joy of Christmastime

“Have yourself a merry little Christmas…”

Ahh… Don’t you just love Christmas. It’s so lovely and gay.* It’s actually my favorite holiday. Why? You might ask. Well, because I get material things and enjoy them by myself…Duh!
No, no, no, that’s not the only reason why I love Christmas. I like Christmas because I like to give a fake reaction. You know, when the giver hands you the gift that you already new you were going to get:
GIVER: Merry Christmas! (Hands me the gift)
ME: (Overly dramatic reaction) O. M. G. OH MY GOSH. NO WAY! NO FRIGGIN WAY! YOU DID NOT! AWW YOU SERIOUSLY DIDN’T HAVE TO. THANKS!
GIVER: (Speechless) I…Um… You’re…um…welcome?
Yeah that’s the real reason why I love Christmas!

I’m kidding, I don’t do that. But honestly, my Christmas was great! I got to see my younger brother, that I rarely see. My other siblings liked the gifts I gave them. My parents were happy. I was happy! My aunt and cousin were happy! Everybody was happy. It was just a great relaxing Christmas day! I also got the things I wanted! So that was pretty awesome!

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Yay! Those are my gifts!
Well whoever is reading this, I really hope that you had an awesome, fantastic great Christmas!

Gay*: Happy