Dirty Minded

Sex! I don’t know why, but I love to talk about sex. I’m a virgin and I’m planning to wait till marriage, sex is so interesting to me. I want to have it because I’m a sexual human being, but I think I think I can wait. 

Recently, I was thinking about how I might not wait and if there’s a guy that I’m sexually attracted to and he’s attracted to me, I’d definitely do it. So I started doing research on birth control and where the nearest planned parenthood was. I even began to ask my mother questions, she started getting paranoid, so I told her I need to be informed about these things. 

Anyway, there’s nobody I’m sexually attracted to so I won’t be doing the deed anytime soon. But honestly, I don’t want to have sex just to have it (I mean that would be fun, but nah). I feel like it’ll be much better with the man that I love. You know, just connecting on so many levels. 

For now, I just really want to make out with someone. I really do. Haha! The dude I was constantly talking about last summer, he and I only made out twice. Only two times. It should’ve been more lol, but whatevs. I think two was enough, because if we continued, I’m pretty sure we would have eventually effed. OMG! Why am I talking about this. This is too open….whatevs

Anyway, I’m trying to have a clean mind and spirit. I need to focus on God.

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The week 

Before I chopped my hair, I told myself that I was beautiful. I told myself that I was smart. I told myself that I was creative and great. Now, today, in this moment I’m telling myself that I’m ugly. I’m smart, creative, and great, but I am ugly. 

My skin is porous. I’m not plump, but fat and saggy. When did I become such a troll?

Gosh, I hate myself for all this self loathing. I don’t know what to do to feel better, oh yes I do. I can continue my facial routine. I can start working out and eating healthier. Once I start doing that, I’ll feel much much better on the inside and out.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I don’t love me yet. When will I love me?! When will I love my flaws? When will my silly, ugly flaws go away?! This is what I think about on a daily basis, every night when I’m washing my face. Everyday when I look at myself before I get into the shower. When will I love my flaws? When will my flaws go the hell away?! 

Am I the only one that thinks this way? I’m not in a good place right now, as you can see. 

July 15, 2017

I talk to God. Out loud. 

We have plenty of UHMAZING conversations. 

Whenever I talk to Him, I have a major breakthrough.

Whenever I talk to Him, I am smart, am wise, I am a better me.

When I don’t talk to the One and Only, my mind is blank, hollow, empty.

Whenever I focus on things other than God, I get hurt.

God should be my main focus. He’s guiding me through life and I need to follow. 

Sometimes being a follower is difficult because you want to do your own thing and be your own person. 

Hold me

I just want someone, anyone to just hold me. To tell me everything is going to be alright. I love giving people affection, but I never get it. Do people care about my well being? I have problems. Everyone has problems. 

I’m loved. I’m loved. I love. I try to give love. 

I want to sit down with Naomi and Rebecca and watch The Princess and the Frog. They’re my sisters. I want to be with them. They’re together right now. I miss them so so much. I’m so alone. My other older sister tried to have a movie night with me,  but it didn’t work out. She tried and failed, most importantly, she tried. I’m so lonely. I long for the day till I have my person. They’ll be mine and I’ll be there’s. 

Right now, I just want a female friend here with me. We’ll study together, we’ll watch movies together, we’ll be there for each other through thick and thin. I’m so alone. I’m so alone.

Today, my mother asked me why I don’t want to be here. I told her I’m not telling her why. Then my brother told me I was being disrespectful. Then I tried explaining why I wasn’t. As I was talking my mom didn’t want to hear it then said something rude. Everyone is so rude.

I feel so boxed in. I feel like someone is controlling my every move. I don’t like being home. I honestly hate it. I hate it here so much. 

In this moment I

Miss my hair. I felt so sexy and beautiful. Not anymore. Ugggh I don’t want to talk about me. I’m sad, I’m terribly sad. Something happened to my friend and I’m so sorry for her. I want to do something to make her feel better, but I don’t know what. Some things are just not fair at all. Why is life so shitty? She’s a good person. People suck. They really do.

God

“Something has changed within me, something is not the same. I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game. Too late for second guessing. Too late to go back to sleep. It’s time to trust my instincts close me eyes and leap…”

This is the second time in my life that I’ve questioned God’s existence. I don’t know why? I don’t want to have doubts. God has blessed me in my life. I know He has. It’s weird. I know God is out there, but I feel like He isn’t. My faith isn’t grounded. It needs to be. 

I take a humanities class. Comparative Religion. It’s only my first week of school and I already love that class. Religion is so interesting and how it came about. Religion gives us confidence and hope. If there was no religion, no God, what would we live for? God, for me in my life, He is my end goal. He is where I want to be. I don’t like religion because of rules, but I like God. Maybe I’m not questioning God because I know he’s out there, I’m questioning my religion.