10 Something PM

I told this guy last Friday that I liked him.

I knew it was too late in the summer to tell him that, but I did it anyway.

I needed to get it off my chest.

He told me he liked me too, but it was definitely too late. We’re both going off to college next month. 

On Sunday, I asked him if it was really really too late. The first word in his response was, “unfortunately”. 

At the beginning of summer vacation, I was just sexually attracted to him, but then I began to see who he really was behind his attractiveness. He’s a loving, kind, smart dude. There’s so much to him that I have not seen. I want to see it. 

It’s too late.

It sucks. Sophomore year I had a crush on him, a HUGE crush. Then junior year came and it went away.

Then I started having feelings for his friend. Then I didn’t have any crushes. Then there was David. Now,  it’s the summer and I have feelings for this guy I will never be with. 

I hate crushes. I hate feelings. I hate time. I need it to slow down. I also hate self doubt. I’m saying that because I want to text him and invite him to hang, but I’m afraid that I’m too boring. 

I should just do it anyway. Do it! Do it! Do it! 

It’s okay, you’re fine whether he finds you boring or interesting, Hannah.

***

A few minutes later

Okay, so I just texted him. This is what I said: 

“*ADAM!!!

I just wanted to say goodnight”

He texted back saying he was right about to go to sleep and told me goodnight.

Gross, why am I sharing this…?

“Cause imma weirdo, imma imma weirdo”

Innocent 

2. A simple, guileless, inexperienced, or unsophisticated person.

I’ve always been called innocent. It didn’t really bother me (it did just a little because yes I was inexperienced, but I wasn’t simple and guileless you feel?).

But it really started to bother me earlier this year. This girl, Jada, would call me that all the time. She’d laugh give me a side hug, lay her head on mine, and say, “Aw Hannah, you’re so cute and innocent.” I knew I was that way, but she made me feel like it was bad, and I knew it wasn’t. She was afraid to talk to me about certain things because of my innocence. David too! (The dude I dated for a week). It bothered me so much that I tried to be less innocent. I already swore and had a dirty mind, so I started cursing even more and saying lots of dirty jokes. But they still saw me as this cute little girl. I began to wear crop tops and show cleavage, I felt uncomfortable doing that, but I did it anyway. I just became this different person. But I was still cute and innocent in their eyes. After David broke up with me, I just stopped caring and did me. I was wondering why I cared so much.

I’m losing my pointtttt. What’s my point?? 

💡oh yeah!!

It’s weird though, ever since I had my first and second kiss I don’t feel innocent anymore. Kissing isn’t even a big deal, but I don’t know. I feel grown and sexy….and I don’t like it.

I don’t care to not be innocent anymore, but I’m trying to understand Jada and David’s definition of it. Do I have to do drugs, party, and have sex to be experienced? I’m really trying to understand this? 

Yeahhh I don’t remember my point…whatever

I’m just going to keep doing me, I’m not going to try to be someone I’m not to prove myself to other people. Nah. I’m so glad high school is over.

For the past two weeks I’ve been alone with my thoughts. I think I started going crazy. I’m not kidding.

Finally, three days ago I hung out and interacted with people. Two days ago, yesterday, and today I did too.

I do like being alone sometimes, but not all of the time. It’s not good for the mind. I started losing weight and eating one meal a day. I was on my phone doing nothing. I was not being my best self.

I hung out with friends and family and we many fulfilling conversations. It was wonderful. It was what I needed. I like to interact and discuss shit. 

I learned so much in the past couple of days from being with people. It was nice.

Yay!!

So I had my first kiss a few weeks ago! It was wonderful! 

We kissed again yesterday and it was great!

I want to tell everyone in the whole world about it.

I want to give people every single detail. So amazing!!!!

I want to do it again!!!!!!

I want to do it again!!!!

I want to do it again!!

I didn’t know awesome kissing was till I finally had my first kiss. 

I need to chill it wasn’t that good…

Why am I lying, it was THAT good. lol 

In April I dated a guy for a week, my first boyfriend, David, he never kissed me. Never!!

I wanted to kiss him so badly, I even told him. 

But David was afraid to because I’m a Christian girl and he thought that I was gonna think it was a sin. Ugh *rolls eyes*

Okayyy, but I’m not going to lie, when I first made out with Adam* I did feel like a hoe afterwards. I don’t know why. Yes I do. I felt like a hoe because I sat on his lap. (Okay why am I sharing this??). And yesterday I 

I…I

You know what?

Never mind.

✂✂

Cutting people off 

Snip snip

Well, one person

Cutting my hair

Snip snip

Not all of it

I actually have good friends and it took a certain situation with 2 people to realize it.

I should listen to my siblings more and the friends who actually are a good influence on me. 

Today is Mother’s Day. My mom is enjoying it so far. It’s pretty good for me too.

My mom, my brother, and I went to a mother’s day Haitian banquet. It was nice.

.

A friend at school called me strong (not physically). She’s a close friend that I made this year.

She called me strong. Wow.

I know it’s bad…

…But I don’t really care about my mother’s opinions or her rules. I’m grounded for something petty. She’s forcing me to read Ellen G. White and forcing all this religious crap on me. Uh-uh hell naw. I believe in God, and I’m a follower of Him. I do my daily devotion. I go to Bible study because I chose to, my mom didn’t force Bible study on me. That was my choice. I do try my best to be a better person, you know. Treat others with kindness and be giving. 

Idk why but my mom thinks I’m this unholy person. 

I got accepted to Columbia College Chicago and I’m probably not going to be able to go because of $$$. So that means I have to stay at home and go to community college. I need my freedom from my mother. She is a weight on my shoulders that I can not get rid of. I do love her, dearly, but she can be a little too much. 

I honestly don’t know what to do.