Far away

Dear God,

I've been so far away from You. I want to get closer, but I don't know how. I want You to be my main focus. I've been putting my future, a boy, and other things ahead of You God. I don't like that. God, I want to have a relationship with You!! Please help me or send help because I don't know how to. I want to read Your Word, but I don't know where to start. God, send me a friend that I can connect with spiritually and we can grow together in You. God, You know what I need, so I'm trusting in You. Amen

Let me be Frank

I will be Frank.

I want a relationship. I've never had one and I want one. I want things to happen naturally with a guy. I don't know why, but whenever I have a crush I change. I'm less confident and I try too hard. It's awful and it's turns the guy I like away.

I want to connect with a guy. I want us to have chemistry. Emotional, sexual, spiritual. We have to be on the same page.

I hate that I want a boyfriend. I'm not usually like this. My friends and my sister told me that it's okay to want a relationship.

I want to watch the sunrise with a guy that I like and who likes me. I want him to hold me.

I want him to call me just to listen to my voice.

I want him to teach me things. I want him to inspire me.

This is what I want and more.

But I won't allow it. I don't want to get hurt.

My brother also said not to have a boyfriend my freshman year of college. I believe that's great advice.

I know I don't need a boyfriend, but I want one.

I want to cuddle and talk.

I haven't listened to Mitski (one of my favorite musicians) in a while because I get into my feelings whenever I listen to her.

Ughhh?? When did I become a softy?? I don't like this. I know how this all started.

It started after June 9, 2017. The day I went to the museum with Adam.*

It was a lovely day. We held hands. We sat at the beach. We kissed. The sky was blue. The clouds were white. It was a beautiful day. He was beautiful.

And sweet.

That day I wasn't trying. I was being myself and all went well.

Whenever I think of that day and being with him I get this weird feeling in my body. It's like my whole body wants to go back to that day. I don't know if that makes sense. Whatever.

Shit, I want to cry. A part of me wants to be like he just a boy, you'll get over it don't cry over him. Another part is saying, it's okay.

Hopefully, in the future God sends me a dude as special or even more special than Adam.*

It's okay
It's okay
You had the moment you wanted with him and it was amazing. Just appreciate then move on.

“You’ll get what you need”

That's life

"You can't always get what you want"

I'm glad

It was great

The best part

Being with him

Cheesing

Grinning

Laughing

It'll happen

Don't wait

Keep doing your thang

It'll happen

I don't know when

I don't know who

But

It'll happen

10 Something PM

I told this guy last Friday that I liked him.

I knew it was too late in the summer to tell him that, but I did it anyway.

I needed to get it off my chest.

He told me he liked me too, but it was definitely too late. We’re both going off to college next month. 

On Sunday, I asked him if it was really really too late. The first word in his response was, “unfortunately”. 

At the beginning of summer vacation, I was just sexually attracted to him, but then I began to see who he really was behind his attractiveness. He’s a loving, kind, smart dude. There’s so much to him that I have not seen. I want to see it. 

It’s too late.

It sucks. Sophomore year I had a crush on him, a HUGE crush. Then junior year came and it went away.

Then I started having feelings for his friend. Then I didn’t have any crushes. Then there was David. Now,  it’s the summer and I have feelings for this guy I will never be with. 

I hate crushes. I hate feelings. I hate time. I need it to slow down. I also hate self doubt. I’m saying that because I want to text him and invite him to hang, but I’m afraid that I’m too boring. 

I should just do it anyway. Do it! Do it! Do it! 

It’s okay, you’re fine whether he finds you boring or interesting, Hannah.

***

A few minutes later

Okay, so I just texted him. This is what I said: 

“*ADAM!!!

I just wanted to say goodnight”

He texted back saying he was right about to go to sleep and told me goodnight.

Gross, why am I sharing this…?

“Cause imma weirdo, imma imma weirdo”

Draft

Hi I’m David and I’m an asshole.

I met this girl at the beginning of the second semester. Hannah, was her name. Beautiful brown skin, long legs, and a nice smile. Whenever she laughed the darkness in my heart would light up. I got goosebumps whenever I heard her soft voice. She was and is truly amazing.

She sat right in front of me, I was constantly self conscious around her. I thought I was annoying her even though we never spoke.

The first time she turned around to talk to me will always be one of the best days of my life.

Hannah: Do you understand how to do this worksheet?

(We were in Economics. I don’t remember exactly what we were doing, but it had an equation)

I nod my head.

Hannah: Okay cool. Don’t give me the answer, but can you show me how to do number seven?

***

It was the first Friday in February when I got a text message after school saying:

“Jada gave me your number and I don’t know why, but hello.”

I texted asking who it was, but then Jada told me that it was Hannah.

I was really happy that she texted me. We texted for hours. We talked about music, our identity, and more. It was lovely.

*I ain’t finishing this damn story* 

For the past two weeks I’ve been alone with my thoughts. I think I started going crazy. I’m not kidding.

Finally, three days ago I hung out and interacted with people. Two days ago, yesterday, and today I did too.

I do like being alone sometimes, but not all of the time. It’s not good for the mind. I started losing weight and eating one meal a day. I was on my phone doing nothing. I was not being my best self.

I hung out with friends and family and we many fulfilling conversations. It was wonderful. It was what I needed. I like to interact and discuss shit. 

I learned so much in the past couple of days from being with people. It was nice.

Black Boy

I can write a love story about every guy I’ve ever liked. 

Soft gentle full lips on mine.

A touch here

A hand there

A squeeze

A bite

A smile 

We stop and stare

I move away still staring

I’m cheesing

He’s laughing

“What?”

“You’re so cute.”

A pull

Hands at my waist

Arms around his neck

Another kiss

More intense 

A deep inhale

A tighter squeeze 

More

He wants more

I want more

But we stop

And that is

The end