Fast

I’m going on a fast.

I need to clear my mind.

Something is going on with me.

Social media has always made me sad, but I still check it.

I keep comparing myself to other people. 

I have this constant fear that my friends secretly don’t like me.

I know they do, it’s just that I worry about that a lot.

I worry a lot.

I like to be noticed.

I like attention.

There’s so much going on in my mind.

I have a constant fear that I’m not good enough.

I don’t know why I’m confessing all of this.

I just need to get some things out.

On the outside I look fine. 

On the inside I’m not.

I’m not fine. 

Things are going okay in my life, but I’m not okay.

I don’t know why.

My friend told me I judge myself too harshly.

She’s right, I do.

I’m staying off of social media for the rest of this week. 

THIS IS NOT A POEM (I am completely serious)

I don’t know what’s happening to me.

At the beginning of the year I knew who I was. I knew what I wanted to be. I was very passionate too.

But all of a sudden, school started.

All my dreams, passions, hopes, and everything just vanished.

I feel like an alien in my own body.

It’s like I have to start all over.

I don’t know who I am anymore.

I really need help.

That’s kind of the reason why I wanted to see a therapist.

I just wanted to talk to someone about everything.

When I say everything. I mean EVERYTHING.

I do have friends that would be willing to listen, my family too.

But I don’t know, I’m just tired.

Being Tall In a Small World: My Third Interview With Gaelle Pierre

This summer I wanted to be productive. I wanted to work on my blogs and be happy. So on June 22, 2015 I decided that I wanted to interview Gaelle Pierre. Here’s the dealio… I originally wanted to interview her last year, like I had all the questions and everything, but I couldn’t. Something got in the way. (*Cough* *Cough* Canvassing (UGHHHHHHH!!!!!!) *Cough*).

Anyway…

Gaelle Pierre is my sister’s friend. I believe that they are very close. Gaelle went to Andrews University, which is a Seventh-Day Adventist college in Michigan. She is very very smart you can see that when reading the interview. The reason why I wanted to interview Gaelle was because I thought she was very interesting.

Different.

And not average.

I had to interview on Facebook because she lives in another state.

INTERVIEWS ALEATOIRE: You’re tall for a girl, when you were younger did you get bullied a lot or at all?

GAELLE PIERRE: No, I didn’t get bullied really. I was always the “odd individual” out. So while every other female in my group blended in, I always stuck out and was a bit awkward. I hated it as an adolescent.

IA: Sometimes that’s worse than getting bullied. It’s hard being different. So you really didn’t feel accepted?

GP: No, I didn’t feel accepted. As an adolescent all you want to be is normal. And with my tall stature, I was far from that. i was always last in line (we would go by height order) or all the way back for pictures. The only benefit was that I was usually picked first for many games my classmates played. People always believed that my height meant I had “supernatural” athletic abilities. Little did they know lol.

IA: So what are the advantages of being tall and the disadvantages for you?

GP: Some advantages of being tall, at least for me personally is that because of my body shape and length, I always look very slender/slim. My metabolism is fast, making it practically near impossible for me to gain weight. Another advantage for some might be the athletic aspect; some sports like basketball or volley ball might come a little bit easier because of height advantages. A disadvantage for me clothing options being limited. Finding articles of clothing that are actually long enough for my arms and legs can be a challenge. A large portion of stores display, sell and market clothes that are tailored to those of average height. Even for the few stores that do cater to the taller individuals (especially for females), clothing can be a bit more on the expensive side (more fabric is used for taller individual, making them over price the article of clothing in order to make an adequate profit).

IA: When did you start accepting your height?

GP: I started truly accepting my height the end of my senior year. I started to realize that this was a blessing that God had given me. I could either embrace it or spend  the rest of my life trying to ignore it. So I started to embrace it.

People need to understand that being different is not that bad. Embrace who you are and be happy. It was a struggle for Gaelle. You´re not going to be accepting of yourself so quickly, it takes time. Being different fun, but challenging. Those challenges help us to become accepting of ourselves and others.

Self-Esteem

Freshmen year of high school, I wrote a short essay for English about self-esteem. Here it is:

Self-Esteem

By: Hannah Leonard

“I feel pretty oh so pretty I feel pretty and witty and bright and I pity any girl who isn’t me…” Should not a girl or a boy always feel that way. Feeling good about yourself is good for the mind, body and soul. I feel that way all the time. There’s times when I feel down and uncertain about my self, but that doesn’t mean I’m not confident. Feeling low about your self can make you miserable. People wouldn’t want to be around you because you are sad and depressed. Be happy and don’t worry.

Being cocky isn’t cool. Yeah having confidence is good, but when you have a lot. That’s a whole different story. Self centered people are rich and famous and some are not. You can be cocky if yo– You know what? Just be yourself, and be confident. Don’t care what people say about you, be happy and don’t worry. There is somebody knocking on the door who loves you. Open the door and be happy. You should not care if somebody started a rumor about you or said something about you. It isn’t true, so move on with your life. Be honest, loyal and trustworthy. One more thing, don’t worry and be happy!

EX CRUSH

*names have been changed.

So recently I just got over a crush. My ex crush name is Adam. I met him in my Geometry class at the beginning of the school year. We sat right across from each other. Also I came back from this summer program, and I became nice and social. I usually never start conversations. This is how we met:

ME: Hello! I like your backpack! (smiling)

(ADAM had a brown leather book bag)

ADAM: Thanks, my mom got it for me…

ME: Oh. Cool. (I nod my head and it got awkward)

As time went on we interacted with each other either about math homework or small talk. Geometry was one of my coldest classes, so I always wore sweaters.

ADAM: You wear sweaters a lot.

ME: (chuckles) Oh.

ADAM: Yeah, do have like a closet full of sweaters?

ME: Um, no. (laughs)

I started developing a crush on Adam. It wasn’t big just small. Then when my math teacher moved our seats, my crush became bigger…

In January, people started getting ready for the second school dance. It was called Turnabout. The girl would ask the guy. I decided I would ask Adam. I was telling my friends and stuff. I was too excited and scared. I was scared because I was afraid of what he was going to say. My friends kept telling me that the worst he can say was no. I understood that, but Adam he was kind of on the rude side. (When I first met him, he was chill and nice. Then, I guess once he got comfortable with people he showed his mean side. He was never mean to me though. I just had to put that out there). Long story short, I didn’t ask him. I ended up not going to Turnabout. I didn’t want to go with friends because I know I would be third wheeling, and that’s not cool. But this is not about Turnabout, this is about my ex crush. So anyway after Turnabout happened I kind of stopped liking him. I actually didn’t want to like him anymore.

With the help of himself, it was easy to get over him. I figured out how irritating and mean he was. He would just yell at this boy and be mean to him for no reason. I wanted to tell Adam to shut the hell up. (But I’m not that type of person, I’m too classy to say that). He would get so angry and do stupid crap.

I don’t know why I wanted to tell you guys this…

BUT THANK GOD I’M OVER HIM!!!!!!! I’m so glad I didn’t ask him to Turnabout.

The Joy of Christmastime

“Have yourself a merry little Christmas…”

Ahh… Don’t you just love Christmas. It’s so lovely and gay.* It’s actually my favorite holiday. Why? You might ask. Well, because I get material things and enjoy them by myself…Duh!
No, no, no, that’s not the only reason why I love Christmas. I like Christmas because I like to give a fake reaction. You know, when the giver hands you the gift that you already new you were going to get:
GIVER: Merry Christmas! (Hands me the gift)
ME: (Overly dramatic reaction) O. M. G. OH MY GOSH. NO WAY! NO FRIGGIN WAY! YOU DID NOT! AWW YOU SERIOUSLY DIDN’T HAVE TO. THANKS!
GIVER: (Speechless) I…Um… You’re…um…welcome?
Yeah that’s the real reason why I love Christmas!

I’m kidding, I don’t do that. But honestly, my Christmas was great! I got to see my younger brother, that I rarely see. My other siblings liked the gifts I gave them. My parents were happy. I was happy! My aunt and cousin were happy! Everybody was happy. It was just a great relaxing Christmas day! I also got the things I wanted! So that was pretty awesome!

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Yay! Those are my gifts!
Well whoever is reading this, I really hope that you had an awesome, fantastic great Christmas!

Gay*: Happy

Tiffani

This is Tiffani
This is Tiffani

May 22, 2014 I had my second interview with a girl named Tiffani. She is fifteen years old going on sixteen in June. We both go to the same high school and she is in my Theatre class with me; Tiffani is a sophomore. When I first asked if I can interview her she asked me why, I answered and said “Uh … um … I just find you interesting…” and she was like okay cool! I was very anxious to interview her, because my questions were kind of … nosy.  When I got up this morning I thought to myself today is the day I’m going to interview Tiffani, so I took my Ipod, my pen, and my notebook and put it in my book bag. I was ready to interview.

We were both in the school library and sat down on hard uncomfortable  chairs. Tiffani was wearing a striped maxi dress.

INTERVIEWS ALEATOIRE: I heard you are a lesbian. How did you become one? Were you always attracted to females or did you all of a sudden start being attracted to females?

TIFFANI: Well, it’s not like I become one, like I always like girls and stuff, but like sometimes like it’s how you feel. It’s all about how you feel about somebody it’s not about if your attracted to them — like personality wise. Like I wouldn’t want to judge somebody on how they look or personality, you know. So I like some boys and I like some girls, but I lean more towards girls

INTERVIEWS ALEATOIRE: Did you come out to your parents? If so, what was their reaction? Did they treat you the same or differently?

TIFFANI: Yeah, I think I told my mama when I was in eighth grade. Well, she found out…yeah… Long story… Yeah she found out and she still loves me.

INTERVIEWS ALEATOIRE: How did she find out?

TIFFANI: Oh, she looked at my phone. (Her mom saw some her texts messages that’s how she found out).

INTERVIEWS ALEATOIRE: Do you feel accepted?

TIFFANI: Yeah! I don’t care who don’t accept me, they can kiss my ass.

INTERVIEWS ALEATOIRE: When people find out that you are homosexual, do they treat you differently?

TIFFANI: It depends on who the people are. Like my friends know they don’t care, ’cause most of my friends are the same way I am, and then other people — I don’t really give a fuck who don’t like it. Don’t talk to me, don’t hang out with me, ’cause at the end of the day you don’t control my life.

INTERVIEWS ALEATOIRE: Do you have a girlfriend?

TIFFANI: No.

INTERVIEWS ALEATOIRE: Are you sometimes at all attracted to some men?

TIFFANI: Yes, yes I do.

INTERVIEWS ALEATOIRE: I know you said lean more towards women. Is there times you find like a hot male superstar or something?

TIFFANI: Hell yeah! Hell… yeah… They be ooh! They make me feel some type a way! (laughs)