Fast

I’m going on a fast.

I need to clear my mind.

Something is going on with me.

Social media has always made me sad, but I still check it.

I keep comparing myself to other people. 

I have this constant fear that my friends secretly don’t like me.

I know they do, it’s just that I worry about that a lot.

I worry a lot.

I like to be noticed.

I like attention.

There’s so much going on in my mind.

I have a constant fear that I’m not good enough.

I don’t know why I’m confessing all of this.

I just need to get some things out.

On the outside I look fine. 

On the inside I’m not.

I’m not fine. 

Things are going okay in my life, but I’m not okay.

I don’t know why.

My friend told me I judge myself too harshly.

She’s right, I do.

I’m staying off of social media for the rest of this week. 

Square

“My head is spinning. Drop me in a whole. I want to fall forever.”

That quote is from my last post. When I posted it then read it after, I noticed the mistake I made. I put “whole” instead of “hole.” I was going to fix it, but I decided not to. The hole is whole. I’m never going to fall in a hole forever and run away from my problems. Or I’ll fall into hole, but I have to find a way to get out. 

If a hole is whole, I can’t fall in.

This is weird

But I’ve been laughing a lot lately. I’m already a laugher…A fake laugher (don’t ask). But these laughs, these laughs they’re real. Belly rippling (?) laughs, wake up the dead laughs, I have to stop tying my shoe because the joke is so funny laughs, stomach grabbing laughs, I have to stomp my foot because I can’t stop laughing laughs!!! God, it feels so good! My stomach is kind of sore, though.

draft

The song starts off chill as hell you know, Things are going alright, but then the song gets a little bit more aggressive then it stops and becomes bliss. Things are going great life is all fucking good but then you run into trouble but you eventually come out of it and you become happy then your back in the trouble then youre happy again…but then you get sad because things arent going to well. It’s raining outside and youre in your room alone crying. Life has her ups and life has her downs, just like this motherfucking song. But the ending of this song is very hopeful.

 

Beautiful?

My crush called me beautiful. I should be beaming with joy, I should be happy that he called me beautiful, but I hate it. I. Hate. It. I hate when people complement my physical appearance sometimes. I used to love it when I was younger because I thought if I look good I would have more friends and people would like me. I have very low self confidence. Now, on Monday he told me I was a unique individual and what I think matters. That was the best complement I had in a while. I like when people complement me on my mind and who I am as a person and I know I shouldn’t be relying on others to feel good about myself, but I don’t know… It would be nice if someone told me I was smart because I don’t think I am.

 

 

Not AgainĀ 

I hate myself. No, I really do.

I just wish I had confidence.

I wish I was smart and intellectual.

I wish I was a better writer.

I wish I had good habits.

I wish and I want so much.

I’m mad at myself. Hannah, if it’s not funny don’t laugh. I have to remind myself of that. I don’t want to be fake. I want to be honest with myself and everyone around me, I just don’t want to be rude. Why am I feeling this way?? Oh, I know why, it’s because of some boy.