I’m me-ee, I’m me-ee, and that’s all I can be

It’s so exhausting trying to be someone you’re not. Trust me, I know.

I faked my way through most of high school.

I compromised myself to be liked. It worked, but at the same time it didn’t.

When I was being someone that I wasn’t I did gain friends. Good friends.

But when I was finally being me and expressing who I truly was I gained even better friends.

It sounds like I have myself all figured out and shit, but I haven’t.

I’m still trying to understand who I am. 

Identity is a struggle that everyone faces. Who are we? Who do we want to be? How do I just be?

This week I started creating videos. I would record myself, edit the video, then post it on YouTube.

As I was looking at the video, I thought to myself, Why don’t I act like that in front of my friends and family? I was being so extra in the video and I liked it. 

It’s so fascinating because I’m a different person in those videos. 

I feel like I am myself most of the time. Like 67% of the time, I just need to add on…add on…What’s 100-67?? I honestly do not feel like doing the math. Ughhh. Okay so 70, 80, 90, that’s 30. Okay so I need to add on that 33%. 

I guess I’m just scared to be me. I’m scared to say what’s on my mind, to be silly, to make stupid jokes.

I think I try too hard to be perfect. Nobody is perfect and most people know that and will accept you for who you are. 

I’m not perfect. I’m not the prettiest person on earth nor the smartest. I’m not the funniest, not the nicest. I have struggles and I had them too. I’m just me. I have flaws and you know what? That’s okay.

this is funny (100th post!!)

This has happened twice in my life. I like a boy, we get to know each other, I tell him I have feelings for him, he then tells me, “I still have feelings for you too, but I’m dating *girls name*” OR he says, “I have a girlfriend in Michigan.” It always ends on a good note…lol. I mean, I’m still friends with these guys, things are all good, but this is weird. I can’t make this a pattern. See, with the first guy while he was talking to me he was single, but also talking to another girl and I didn’t know. With the second guy I assumed he was single because he would flirt with me. He also never mentioned a girlfriend to my friend who was trying to bring us together. The first guy, I knew him for a pretty long time. The second guy is more recent. This is crazy. I’m not mad, or hurt, I’m just so confused. Why? I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t try too hard. I don’t know… Maybe God is telling me that I’m just not ready for a boyfriend and you know what? That’s okay.

*This is actually kind of funny thoughhhhhhh

*But OMG! This recent guy is such a babe. Nicest guy I’ve ever met. Sweet, intellectual, understanding, he is forgiving of other people’s faults, intelligent. It’s so cool how he can retain knowledge. He’s a really cool dude. Gosh, I liked him a lot. I know if I dated him I would learn a lot. Oh yeah, and he is beautiful. He has the prettiest blue eyes ever, he looks like a Greek statue (minus the muscle lol, but that’s okay). His bone structure is to die for lol. Okay lemme stop, I sound like a creep. 

**2 hours later: This actually kind of sucks, but the thing is I don’t care. I’m used to it. At least I can finally be myself, so that’s a plus. I’m not even going to try anymore. Okay from now on I’m gonna focus my attention on other things like art, writing, school, friends, God, important stuff.

The Loneliest Interview Ever

(I started writing this 522 days ago on September 30, 2014, I’m going to interview myself again,(idk why) but for now here’s this)

I was in the school library, on the computer, on my blog. 

INTERVIEWS ALEATOIRE: Hannah, why am I so awesome?!

HANNAH LEONARD: I don’t know! I think I can answer that one!

(I laugh)

IA: Wow, I really am funny! So any way back to my questions about myself. What year am I in high school?

HL: Well, I am a sophomore. I started last month.