In the 8th grade

I wanted to be taller
I wanted to be slimmer
I wanted to have smaller boobs

But mainly out of all those I really wanted to be taller.

I did research. What's the average height for women? 5'6

My favorite actress were also that height. I asked my siblings if it was too late for me to grow. They said no.

I would pray to God everyday to be 5'6. I would go on fasts, that I would eventually break (lol).

On New Year's Eve, my church would have a party. My sister told us to write down prayers to God instead of resolutions. You'd keep the paper till the end of the year and see if any of them were answered.

My first prayer to God was to be 5'6 before high school started. I wrote some other things on the paper, but I don't remember.

So the whole year of 2013, I stopped worrying about my height because I knew that I was going to be 5'6. I prayed about it occasionally, but not as much as I did a year ago.

My favorite show is glee and one of my favorite characters is Rachel Berry played by Lea Michele. Now, Lea Michele is 5'2 and she was rocking her, but I didn't think too much of that because I wanted to be tall.

Through out the year I thought I was growing.

I wasn't.

When August came and I went to the doctor for a check up when they measured me they said I was 5'0. Five feet tall!! At that point in the year I didn't care as much about my height, but I was disappointed.

I asked God why didn't I grow. Then I thought about how I probably hindered myself when I didn't finish my fast, or I wasn't praying enough.

Through out my high school career I only grew one inch.

I realized later that God wanted me to be okay with myself. That I'm beautiful whether I'm tall or small. I'm glad He taught me that.

Let me be Frank

I will be Frank.

I want a relationship. I've never had one and I want one. I want things to happen naturally with a guy. I don't know why, but whenever I have a crush I change. I'm less confident and I try too hard. It's awful and it's turns the guy I like away.

I want to connect with a guy. I want us to have chemistry. Emotional, sexual, spiritual. We have to be on the same page.

I hate that I want a boyfriend. I'm not usually like this. My friends and my sister told me that it's okay to want a relationship.

I want to watch the sunrise with a guy that I like and who likes me. I want him to hold me.

I want him to call me just to listen to my voice.

I want him to teach me things. I want him to inspire me.

This is what I want and more.

But I won't allow it. I don't want to get hurt.

My brother also said not to have a boyfriend my freshman year of college. I believe that's great advice.

I know I don't need a boyfriend, but I want one.

I want to cuddle and talk.

I haven't listened to Mitski (one of my favorite musicians) in a while because I get into my feelings whenever I listen to her.

Ughhh?? When did I become a softy?? I don't like this. I know how this all started.

It started after June 9, 2017. The day I went to the museum with Adam.*

It was a lovely day. We held hands. We sat at the beach. We kissed. The sky was blue. The clouds were white. It was a beautiful day. He was beautiful.

And sweet.

That day I wasn't trying. I was being myself and all went well.

Whenever I think of that day and being with him I get this weird feeling in my body. It's like my whole body wants to go back to that day. I don't know if that makes sense. Whatever.

Shit, I want to cry. A part of me wants to be like he just a boy, you'll get over it don't cry over him. Another part is saying, it's okay.

Hopefully, in the future God sends me a dude as special or even more special than Adam.*

It's okay
It's okay
You had the moment you wanted with him and it was amazing. Just appreciate then move on.

I got new glasses

I've been feeling so confident and beautiful and pretty with them on! I haven't taken this many selfies in the longest time ever. I haven't felt so pretty in the longest time ever. I've been calling myself a queen. I don't know, but there's something about these special glasses. I was planning on dying my hair, but I saw myself with this hair color and the glasses and I was like never mind!!

“You’ll get what you need”

That's life

"You can't always get what you want"

I'm glad

It was great

The best part

Being with him

Cheesing

Grinning

Laughing

It'll happen

Don't wait

Keep doing your thang

It'll happen

I don't know when

I don't know who

But

It'll happen

I don’t know what’s happening to me

But I’ve become sweet and romantic.

I want to hold someone’s hand and lean in to them as we walk down the street.

I want to lay on the grass and look at the clouds with someone.

I want to be held and talk about anything and everything.

Gross. When did I become this person.

I’m starting to like kids!! Ughhhh

They’re just so cute!!! 

There’s these kids at my church, they’re so adorable!

They have dark brown skin and the tiniest pores ever. The smoothest skin I’ve ever seen!!

I give them hugs every Saturday.

I want to adopt kids when I’m older.

Oh gosh, oh gosh, oh gosh!!

When did the ice around my heart melt??

Who am I becoming??

#halp 

Thoughts

Earlier this summer I was trying to figure out what love was. What love is. My whole life my parents weren't together and I've never seen two people in love till this year. My sister has been with her boyfriend for about a year now. And they look like they're in love. They're comfortable with each other, they're real and raw. It looks like love and happiness.

I always struggled with figuring out what romantic type of love was. It's confusing. For example, high school love. Is it real? I had a friend, Jada, while she was dating her ex she told me how they met and everything. They had a lot of PDA at school, if she looked down he would ask her if she was okay constantly. But I remember in class they were kind of mean to each other. There were so many secrets and distrust between them. But they said they loved each other. So I believed them. They broke up recently I don't know how or why, but was the love real when they were together?

I hear some people go from relationship to relationship telling their Significant Other, they love them. They use the word so carelessly. I don't even think they know what it means.

I thought I was in love with this guy. Let's call him Martin. Martin had a crush on me and he told me. At first I wasn't into him, I just saw him as a friend. I liked his personality a lot and I liked being around him. We hung out a few times and began to have feelings for him. I was completely myself with him, I never tried to impress him, I was just me , and he made me laugh. So I finally told him, but it was too late he was already dating another girl. At first I was okay and then angry. Then okay again lol. I kind of knew his girlfriend, she was nice, but it was awful seeing him with her. But they were cute, so I couldn't be angry it didn't feel right. I remember in the middle of the school year I thought I was over him, then I realized as I was getting to know David that I still had feelings for Martin. I liked him a lot. I honestly believed that he and I were meant for each other. I don't think so anymore. I'm not sure if I loved him.

Probably not.

I don't think I believe in romantic love. Yeah, my sister and her boyfriend love each other, and I know it's real but

I don't believe it.

I do know that I'm going to experience it one day. And my S.O.'s love will come from the Father above.

Annoyed

Life is coming at me fast and I kind of like it.

I have so much hope. I know things will turn out good.

I was telling my brother that about after college that I trust God will provide something for me.

My brother said he did too, but nothing good happened for him.

He and I are in two different boats. Things are going to get better for him and things will be better for me.

It was quite discouraging when he said that. For him it's like when he gives me advice he has to discourage me, I know he's not trying to, but he just does.