Black Boy

I can write a love story about every guy I’ve ever liked. 

Soft gentle full lips on mine.

A touch here

A hand there

A squeeze

A bite

A smile 

We stop and stare

I move away still staring

I’m cheesing

He’s laughing

“What?”

“You’re so cute.”

A pull

Hands at my waist

Arms around his neck

Another kiss

More intense 

A deep inhale

A tighter squeeze 

More

He wants more

I want more

But we stop

And that is

The end

Fast

I’m going on a fast.

I need to clear my mind.

Something is going on with me.

Social media has always made me sad, but I still check it.

I keep comparing myself to other people. 

I have this constant fear that my friends secretly don’t like me.

I know they do, it’s just that I worry about that a lot.

I worry a lot.

I like to be noticed.

I like attention.

There’s so much going on in my mind.

I have a constant fear that I’m not good enough.

I don’t know why I’m confessing all of this.

I just need to get some things out.

On the outside I look fine. 

On the inside I’m not.

I’m not fine. 

Things are going okay in my life, but I’m not okay.

I don’t know why.

My friend told me I judge myself too harshly.

She’s right, I do.

I’m staying off of social media for the rest of this week. 

Cause I’m a woman

W-O-M-A-N

I’m 18

I’m a woman

I’m a black woman.

I won’t stop being angsty.

The angst will go away on its own.

I can still be rebellious, but I’m gonna have to watch out more be—-

(Omg breaking news!!

This boy that I liked last year Snapchatted me. I just opened it and did not reply. I am utterly grossed out about that crush.)

I don’t want to want. I want to just be. Be content and hope for the best.

Is it bad to rethink things? I need to talk to God. I haven’t really talked to Him in a while.

✂✂

Cutting people off 

Snip snip

Well, one person

Cutting my hair

Snip snip

Not all of it

I actually have good friends and it took a certain situation with 2 people to realize it.

I should listen to my siblings more and the friends who actually are a good influence on me. 

Today is Mother’s Day. My mom is enjoying it so far. It’s pretty good for me too.

My mom, my brother, and I went to a mother’s day Haitian banquet. It was nice.

trash talk

 

(the negatives)

everytime i try to open up to her about my deep personal problems, she always brushes it off and never takes it seriously.

she talks to me like i’m a child and she disrespects me like a lot
one time at lunch i showed her this weird text message that my mom sent me and she told the whole lunch table and started making fun of me
if i wanted the whole table to know I would have shown them and not only her
you know what irritates me the most tho?
i cant ever have an intellectual conversation with her because she acts like she has all the answers
the only time she ever really wants to talk to me is whenever i mention a certain boy or some type of drug
she’s a good person and everything, but i can’t tolerate her anymore

i should probably say something to her

my brother said that if i don’t say anything nothing is going to change
but idk how to tell her that she’s kind of a bitch
i found the word! she’s condescending

she talks to me in a condescending tone
she doesn’t know when to shut up
(the positives)
she’s really nice and not judgemental
she does give good valid advice, but maybe she can fucking listen to all that i’m saying first before opening her damn mouth
shes smart
i tried a new thing because of her and that was nice
i can be weird as fuck around her and she won’t care because she’s weird AF
she’s open minded
very very kind, that’s something i admire about her. I wish i had a kind heart
i know she’s a good friend
she’s authentic
she doesn’t give a shit about peoples opinions
she gives nice hugs
(stuff)
this is kind of my fault, she probably doesn’t take my problems seriously because when I talk about my them i smile
i smile because i’m afraid people aren’t going to take it seriously
also because even tho things aren’t really going well in my life i act like i’m okay and i’m a good actress
another reason why she probs doesnt take me seriously is because i’m private and i only say the problems that are socially acceptable
she thinks i’m so privileged, but i’m not
but i’m not going to try to prove myself to her
because that’s stupid
my brother says i need to be authentic
i can’t be authentic with her, i don’t know why
i should say something
there’s very few people who really know me and understand my personality
(all of siblings of course lol)
their initials: M, M, R, S, J, E, J, C
all of those people i met this school year except for C I knew C since freshman year, but the girl i’m talking about i’ve known her since freshman year too, soooo…. but i guess that’s kind of my fault i only show her half of me instead of all of me
wow i really suck as a friend
i’m a big ass phony
das crazy
now i want to tell her that i’m sorry. she’s an amazing person and i just talked trash about her
wow i’m an awful person
(other stuff)
i’m not that annoyed anymore
i just needed to get some things out

Square

“My head is spinning. Drop me in a whole. I want to fall forever.”

That quote is from my last post. When I posted it then read it after, I noticed the mistake I made. I put “whole” instead of “hole.” I was going to fix it, but I decided not to. The hole is whole. I’m never going to fall in a hole forever and run away from my problems. Or I’ll fall into hole, but I have to find a way to get out. 

If a hole is whole, I can’t fall in.

The day after

I made a fool of myself and that’s okay.

I’m growing up. I’m trying new things. I’m experiencing new things and that’s okay. 

Stupidity is part of growing up. Mistakes is part of growing up. I should be okay with that.

I’m hurt. I’m happy. I’m free to be me. I was always free to be me, but I was scared. Well, I still am. 

I’m hurt, I’m hopeful. Hopeful for my own future. 

I will get better at things. I will stop caring, stop being ashamed.

I’m hurt. Relax. I’m hurt. Relax. I was stupid. Relax. I was stupid. Rela—SHUT UP!! ……………Calm the fuck down.

I hate labels. I’m hurt. I’m sleepy. I care….A lot. It’s obvious. 

Energy wasted not being myself. I’m learning. 

High School. I just realized I don’t take anybody seriously at school. 

I can keep writing. I will.

I like to be independent and do things on my own. 

I should’ve–SHOULDA COULDA WOULDA

We get it, you regret this or that. 

My head is spinning. Drop me in a whole. I want to fall forever. 

School is just school. The people there are just people.

It’s okay to be hurt. It’s okay to feel stupid. We all have our regrets