Dirty Minded

Sex! I don’t know why, but I love to talk about sex. I’m a virgin and I’m planning to wait till marriage, sex is so interesting to me. I want to have it because I’m a sexual human being, but I think I think I can wait. 

Recently, I was thinking about how I might not wait and if there’s a guy that I’m sexually attracted to and he’s attracted to me, I’d definitely do it. So I started doing research on birth control and where the nearest planned parenthood was. I even began to ask my mother questions, she started getting paranoid, so I told her I need to be informed about these things. 

Anyway, there’s nobody I’m sexually attracted to so I won’t be doing the deed anytime soon. But honestly, I don’t want to have sex just to have it (I mean that would be fun, but nah). I feel like it’ll be much better with the man that I love. You know, just connecting on so many levels. 

For now, I just really want to make out with someone. I really do. Haha! The dude I was constantly talking about last summer, he and I only made out twice. Only two times. It should’ve been more lol, but whatevs. I think two was enough, because if we continued, I’m pretty sure we would have eventually effed. OMG! Why am I talking about this. This is too open….whatevs

Anyway, I’m trying to have a clean mind and spirit. I need to focus on God.


The week 

Before I chopped my hair, I told myself that I was beautiful. I told myself that I was smart. I told myself that I was creative and great. Now, today, in this moment I’m telling myself that I’m ugly. I’m smart, creative, and great, but I am ugly. 

My skin is porous. I’m not plump, but fat and saggy. When did I become such a troll?

Gosh, I hate myself for all this self loathing. I don’t know what to do to feel better, oh yes I do. I can continue my facial routine. I can start working out and eating healthier. Once I start doing that, I’ll feel much much better on the inside and out.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I don’t love me yet. When will I love me?! When will I love my flaws? When will my silly, ugly flaws go away?! This is what I think about on a daily basis, every night when I’m washing my face. Everyday when I look at myself before I get into the shower. When will I love my flaws? When will my flaws go the hell away?! 

Am I the only one that thinks this way? I’m not in a good place right now, as you can see. 

July 15, 2017

I talk to God. Out loud. 

We have plenty of UHMAZING conversations. 

Whenever I talk to Him, I have a major breakthrough.

Whenever I talk to Him, I am smart, am wise, I am a better me.

When I don’t talk to the One and Only, my mind is blank, hollow, empty.

Whenever I focus on things other than God, I get hurt.

God should be my main focus. He’s guiding me through life and I need to follow. 

Sometimes being a follower is difficult because you want to do your own thing and be your own person. 

Hold me

I just want someone, anyone to just hold me. To tell me everything is going to be alright. I love giving people affection, but I never get it. Do people care about my well being? I have problems. Everyone has problems. 

I’m loved. I’m loved. I love. I try to give love. 

I want to sit down with Naomi and Rebecca and watch The Princess and the Frog. They’re my sisters. I want to be with them. They’re together right now. I miss them so so much. I’m so alone. My other older sister tried to have a movie night with me,  but it didn’t work out. She tried and failed, most importantly, she tried. I’m so lonely. I long for the day till I have my person. They’ll be mine and I’ll be there’s. 

Right now, I just want a female friend here with me. We’ll study together, we’ll watch movies together, we’ll be there for each other through thick and thin. I’m so alone. I’m so alone.

Today, my mother asked me why I don’t want to be here. I told her I’m not telling her why. Then my brother told me I was being disrespectful. Then I tried explaining why I wasn’t. As I was talking my mom didn’t want to hear it then said something rude. Everyone is so rude.

I feel so boxed in. I feel like someone is controlling my every move. I don’t like being home. I honestly hate it. I hate it here so much. 

In this moment I

Miss my hair. I felt so sexy and beautiful. Not anymore. Ugggh I don’t want to talk about me. I’m sad, I’m terribly sad. Something happened to my friend and I’m so sorry for her. I want to do something to make her feel better, but I don’t know what. Some things are just not fair at all. Why is life so shitty? She’s a good person. People suck. They really do.

A title

I got a lot to say.

1.) I fucking hate my job

2.) I don’t swear in person lol only in my writing 

3.) I hate my job, but thank God I have one. 

4.) one of my brothers read this blog over the summer and he told me he expected better from me. It’s because I made out with someone lol

5.) I have a lot of drafts. I said I wasn’t saving any drafts!! I’m gonna post them once a day. I hate having drafts 

6.) I love my family 

7.) I’m at work right now. I end in 41 minutes 

***after work 

8.) there’s this guy who sits next to me in my Psychology class. When school started he’d always ask me questions like I new the answers. At first I was annoyed, but I didn’t show it. I then decided I wouldn’t allow myself to be annoyed because I might make a friend. I used get annoyed by people then hate them because of that, but later I realized that they’re nice people and I could have had a friend. This guy is nice. I don’t have a crush on him or anything. He’s pretty cool and I hope we become friends.


So I’m just scrolling through my notes looking at stuff I’ve written and I came across this (I’ll explain what it’s about at the end): 

“I’m going to be honest with you Mr. Holdren, we were not doing any work. What else was there to do. We finished filming and the only thing that was left was editing. I’m not the editor, Sam is not the editor, Jaida is not the editor, Raven is. We all did our part. So what are you bitching about? What other work were we supposed to do. Did you give us another assignment? I don’t think so. What did you expect us to do? Now go somewhere with your ugly ass, stupid ass, sensitive ass face. I don’t fucking like you. You don’t know anything. Try me!! I dare you!! Try mee again and see what’s going to happen!!!”

I was soooooo annoyed that day! The day before we had a substitute and my group in film were in a room talking and chilling. So the substitute comes asking us questions like “Why aren’t you guys doing any work?” “Why are you guys talking?” “Why is Raven the only one working?” So she kicked all  of us out and let Raven finish editing. I was annoyed because my film teacher already assumed that I didn’t do any work in my little group, but I did. I was the director, I created the story, made a storyboard, directed our little shorts, and let the editor handle the editing. Raven, would edit at school, so my film teacher never saw me actually doing all those things I said. I worked hard in that class, with that group. So if he ever asked the next day what were we doing, what I wrote at the beginning was what I was going to say. You can see at the end how frustrated I got.