I’m me-ee, I’m me-ee, and that’s all I can be

It’s so exhausting trying to be someone you’re not. Trust me, I know.

I faked my way through most of high school.

I compromised myself to be liked. It worked, but at the same time it didn’t.

When I was being someone that I wasn’t I did gain friends. Good friends.

But when I was finally being me and expressing who I truly was I gained even better friends.

It sounds like I have myself all figured out and shit, but I haven’t.

I’m still trying to understand who I am. 

Identity is a struggle that everyone faces. Who are we? Who do we want to be? How do I just be?

This week I started creating videos. I would record myself, edit the video, then post it on YouTube.

As I was looking at the video, I thought to myself, Why don’t I act like that in front of my friends and family? I was being so extra in the video and I liked it. 

It’s so fascinating because I’m a different person in those videos. 

I feel like I am myself most of the time. Like 67% of the time, I just need to add on…add on…What’s 100-67?? I honestly do not feel like doing the math. Ughhh. Okay so 70, 80, 90, that’s 30. Okay so I need to add on that 33%. 

I guess I’m just scared to be me. I’m scared to say what’s on my mind, to be silly, to make stupid jokes.

I think I try too hard to be perfect. Nobody is perfect and most people know that and will accept you for who you are. 

I’m not perfect. I’m not the prettiest person on earth nor the smartest. I’m not the funniest, not the nicest. I have struggles and I had them too. I’m just me. I have flaws and you know what? That’s okay.

Update ew I hate dat werd

1.) Prom was last Saturday. I wore a suit.

2.) I’m not sure if I’m losing myself or actually becoming who I truly am. We’ll see. The reason for the unsurity is because I don’t know who Hannah is, so becoming her is new for me.

3.) I’m currently writing erotica. Hehehe! My friend inspired me to write one. It’s prettay good so far lol

4.) Things are going swell, but I know this isn’t going to last.

*So I just found out that unsurity isn’t a word…

March 30, 2017 Thursday (Journal Entry)

“Dear journal, I hate guys they make you feel so many different emotions without doing anything. Guys are funny. I’m still trying to understand guys and girls. I’m not sure if we are the same. There is a stereotype about girls that we overanalyze everything, we worry too much and all that. But for guys the stereotype is that they don’t care, they don’t notice anything. They don’t try too hard. Do guys ever analyze a text message, a look, a tone? Do they even care? What do females do that hurt them? That brings up so many emotions? I want us to be equal, but I do see these stereotypes at school, with me, in movies, TV shows, celebrities, etc. Are we really the same when it comes to relationships and emotions? Maybe we are, but society has trained men to not express their feelings, to think that women are crazy and over emotional. Men know how to suppress their emotions, they probably do feel the exact way women do they’re just better at hiding it. So some men care, some men don’t. How about women? Can they be like the stereotypical guy? Yes. I have yet to see a woman be that way, I just know there are because we are all the same.”

Square

“My head is spinning. Drop me in a whole. I want to fall forever.”

That quote is from my last post. When I posted it then read it after, I noticed the mistake I made. I put “whole” instead of “hole.” I was going to fix it, but I decided not to. The hole is whole. I’m never going to fall in a hole forever and run away from my problems. Or I’ll fall into hole, but I have to find a way to get out. 

If a hole is whole, I can’t fall in.

The day after

I made a fool of myself and that’s okay.

I’m growing up. I’m trying new things. I’m experiencing new things and that’s okay. 

Stupidity is part of growing up. Mistakes is part of growing up. I should be okay with that.

I’m hurt. I’m happy. I’m free to be me. I was always free to be me, but I was scared. Well, I still am. 

I’m hurt, I’m hopeful. Hopeful for my own future. 

I will get better at things. I will stop caring, stop being ashamed.

I’m hurt. Relax. I’m hurt. Relax. I was stupid. Relax. I was stupid. Rela—SHUT UP!! ……………Calm the fuck down.

I hate labels. I’m hurt. I’m sleepy. I care….A lot. It’s obvious. 

Energy wasted not being myself. I’m learning. 

High School. I just realized I don’t take anybody seriously at school. 

I can keep writing. I will.

I like to be independent and do things on my own. 

I should’ve–SHOULDA COULDA WOULDA

We get it, you regret this or that. 

My head is spinning. Drop me in a whole. I want to fall forever. 

School is just school. The people there are just people.

It’s okay to be hurt. It’s okay to feel stupid. We all have our regrets 

Not a Draft

I wish I knew how to converse with people. I have a lot to say, I’m just a slow thinker and there’s nothing wrong with that.

I wish I knew how to connect with people.

I’m going to college soon and I want to make lifelong friends. It’s going to be harder though because I’m going to a community college.

Making friends and connecting with people shouldn’t be hard though. People do it all the time.

I’m so bored with my life. I want to have fun!!! I want to try new things, meet new people.

I really want to not post this and save it as a draft, but I told myself, I am not doing that this year.

Ughhhhhh

STOP INTERRUPTING MY GRINDING Drafts 12

I AIN’T THINKIN ‘BOUT YOU!!!

So….I recently got over a crush… I got over him because something he did. Whenever I listen to Sorry by Beyonce it helps me dislike him more, which is a good thing.

But then 

I started having feelings for him again.

Ugh!! He has a girlfriend. This is not good. I can’t like him. I don’t want to have feelings for him