I want to cry!!

I was THIS close to crying a few weeks ago, but my body wouldn't allow it. I almost cried prom night, but my brother stopped me. I'm glad he did, I could've ruined my makeup lol! Oh!! I actually I do remember when I had a hearty cry! It was this summer. I was watching a TED talk. Two black women were speaking. The talk was called "When Black Women Walk Things Change." (Watch it! So Good). I was surprised that I cried, it was so inspiring! It wasn't a sad cry it was a happy cry. I kept saying, "This is so inspiring, oh my gosh," as I wiped the tears from my eyes. It was a great video and I advise all of you to watch it. Anyway, I'm not a cryer and I want to be, the last time I had a good hearty cry before that must've been sometime last year! Oh actually it was this year in January, my brother and father were pressuring me about college…

Growing up I was bullied a lot. Every year all the way to the eighth grade I had a bully. I remember this one time in first grade this girl made me cry and I couldn't hold it in. I asked my teacher if I could use the bathroom, but she could tell I was about to cry so she stopped me and asked me what was wrong. As I got older I would cry in the bathroom or myself to sleep. I remember my father hated when we cried. He'd get angry and yell, "Why are you crying?!" Trying to explain why wasn't easy because he'd get even more angry.

So I stopped crying in public.

I cried in middle school once. Eighth grade. It wasn't because of bullying. My teacher lost all of my redo work. I got so angry and frustrated and I told her off. I didn't yell or scream or swear. I was annoyed because she never taught anything and we had to teach our—okay, okay, Hannah chill this isn't about your middle school teacher it's about crying.

Right. Okay.

Everyone was so surprised because they'd never seen me cry, but I did cry. I cried my self to sleep almost every night because of the bullying. I cried about everything. Freshman year of high school I was still crying myself to sleep. I wasn't getting bullied, but I was still thinking about the past bullying. As high school went on I was crying less and less.

I cried a few times sophomore year.

When I was going through depression junior year. I only cried once, but what I really I was numb.

It's like when I do need to cry or want to my body and mind just stops it.

I have so much to cry about and I want to let it out!!! My friend and I went screaming yesterday (very therapeutic, I must say). It was great and I hope we do it again. I thought I was going to cry, but I didn't.

I think I know my problem. I have too many walls. I don't want people to see that I'm broken and that I want and need help. For example, no body noticed my depression. I did. Everyone was surprised. I hide things so well. People rarely ask me if I'm doing okay because I look okay, but I'm not. I'm not.

trash talk

 

(the negatives)

everytime i try to open up to her about my deep personal problems, she always brushes it off and never takes it seriously.

she talks to me like i’m a child and she disrespects me like a lot
one time at lunch i showed her this weird text message that my mom sent me and she told the whole lunch table and started making fun of me
if i wanted the whole table to know I would have shown them and not only her
you know what irritates me the most tho?
i cant ever have an intellectual conversation with her because she acts like she has all the answers
the only time she ever really wants to talk to me is whenever i mention a certain boy or some type of drug
she’s a good person and everything, but i can’t tolerate her anymore

i should probably say something to her

my brother said that if i don’t say anything nothing is going to change
but idk how to tell her that she’s kind of a bitch
i found the word! she’s condescending

she talks to me in a condescending tone
she doesn’t know when to shut up
(the positives)
she’s really nice and not judgemental
she does give good valid advice, but maybe she can fucking listen to all that i’m saying first before opening her damn mouth
shes smart
i tried a new thing because of her and that was nice
i can be weird as fuck around her and she won’t care because she’s weird AF
she’s open minded
very very kind, that’s something i admire about her. I wish i had a kind heart
i know she’s a good friend
she’s authentic
she doesn’t give a shit about peoples opinions
she gives nice hugs
(stuff)
this is kind of my fault, she probably doesn’t take my problems seriously because when I talk about my them i smile
i smile because i’m afraid people aren’t going to take it seriously
also because even tho things aren’t really going well in my life i act like i’m okay and i’m a good actress
another reason why she probs doesnt take me seriously is because i’m private and i only say the problems that are socially acceptable
she thinks i’m so privileged, but i’m not
but i’m not going to try to prove myself to her
because that’s stupid
my brother says i need to be authentic
i can’t be authentic with her, i don’t know why
i should say something
there’s very few people who really know me and understand my personality
(all of siblings of course lol)
their initials: M, M, R, S, J, E, J, C
all of those people i met this school year except for C I knew C since freshman year, but the girl i’m talking about i’ve known her since freshman year too, soooo…. but i guess that’s kind of my fault i only show her half of me instead of all of me
wow i really suck as a friend
i’m a big ass phony
das crazy
now i want to tell her that i’m sorry. she’s an amazing person and i just talked trash about her
wow i’m an awful person
(other stuff)
i’m not that annoyed anymore
i just needed to get some things out

Every morning, I do my daily devotion with God. I noticed a while ago that whenever I do it, whenever I spend time with Him my day is just amazing.

Today, I didn’t do my morning worship, but so far this day has been good. I started thinking, Do I really need to spend time with God to have an amazing day? I realized I wasn’t spending time with God just to spend time with Him, it was just so that I could have a good day. So I was using God for my satisfaction. Sometimes I get so worried when I don’t do it. I’m just like, Oh no, I didn’t do it, today is going to be awful I already know it. Earlier this week I did my worship and it was a pretty awful day.

I realized that when I do my worships with the One and Only, I should be in the right spirit. I should want to be with Him and talk to Him because 1.) He’s amazing and great, 2.) There is no one else like Him 3.) He created me, the heavens and the earth, and 4.) He makes my days wonderful and I should be grateful. I’d be useless without Him. My friend, Kiara, called God her Beloved and I just love that. I’m going to steal that from her.

Positivity!

poz•i•tiv•i•tee

the state or character of being positive : a positivity thay accepts the world as it is.

Hmm… Okay. To be honest I don’t even understand this definition…

I actually do.

But I don’t

So I’m trying to be more positive. Why? you may ask. Well because believe it or not I’m a very rude, mean, negative person. I talk about people behind there backs in a bad way. Some may call me a bitch. So I’m trying to change that. 

But how?

So this week starting now I am challenging myself to be more positive and encouraging about everything. If it goes well, I will try to continue.

I hope I get better.

I will. I can do this!

You should try too.