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Know I told you guys this already, but I’ve been giving away things. Why? I have too much stuff!

I’m trying to be a minimalist, but at the same time I love stuff!! I think I’m a very quirky and eccentric young woman and I want my life to show or I guess represent that. 

How can I do that if I’m trying to be a minimalist?

My family is moving soon and I’m trying to get rid of more stuff. I don’t want to give shit away for free anymore, I want to sell. Ohhh, I know what I’m doing. I don’t want to be a minimalist, I just want to get rid of my old stuff so that I can buy new stuff! Ohh lol 😂 

I’m not trying to be a new person, but I’m trying to live a new life for me. 

I also want to explore different religions. I do believe that spirituality/religion is important at first I was unsure, not anymore. I’m going to continue reading the Bible and talking to God, but I want to explore Buddhism. I’ve always been interested in that religion, I need to do some research on it.

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What I want 

I want to live in a beautiful house with my husband. I want to own an art gallery. I want to adopt two kids. I want a huge backyard and invite the ones that I love and watch a movie on a big screen. I want us to look at one another and enjoy the moment.

When I was kid at my old old house my family and I would watch movies in the basement. For some reason we’d watch it early, so that by the time the movie was over it would still be bright out. The movie still in the back of our heads as we went up the stairs.

I love love LOVE The Princess Diaries, it’s a movie I can watch over and over again. The movie reminds me of good times when I was a kid. 

Movies are magical. They bring people together. I feel safe when I’m with my loved ones watching a movie. 

I keep reminiscing. I want my future family to have good times and love each other. 

Whenever I imagine those times I think of myself looking at the sun through a window. I don’t know why. 

This whole week I’ve been in a better than okay mood.

The song I’m listening to is reminding me of all this: September Song – Agnes Obel

Role Model 

I finally found my role model. For years I’ve been looking for one. At first all of my role models were white, then I realized I wanted someone that looked like me. Then it was a battle between two black women: Kerry Washington and Viola Davis. I related more to Washington, but I felt like I looked more like Davis. So it became a tie.

I loved them, but they weren’t the role models I was looking for. Then two weeks ago I was scrolling through Tracee Ellis Ross’ Instagram and I was just admiring her carefreeness. She’s so bold and different and so comfortable with herself. As I was on her page she posted a quote that she said, “I want people to say when they look at me that that’s a woman who is comfortable with herself.” That’s exactly what I thought about her before I saw the quote! Anyway, the reason why I love her so much is because she struggled with loving herself when she was my age. It makes me so happy that she came to a point where she became okay with herself. She gives me hope. It may not be right now or tomorrow, but I know one day that I’ll learn to love myself and not care about people’s opinions.

This is Tracee Ellis Ross: 

You have to stop!

Hannah, stop! Wake up every morning, go to the mirror, and tell yourself that you are beautiful! Cause you are

Do face masks and workout because you like to take care of yourself. Don’t do it because you don’t want people to find you ugly.

Enjoy your chopped hair! If you don’t, when it gets longer you’re gonna look back at the short hair photos and think wow I looked good, I wished I enjoyed it! 

You’re okay, you’re fine. I love you. Be your weird self, honestly nobody cares. 

Also, it’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to be hurt, it’s okay be angry. It’s okay to be fearful.

Scream and shout and let it all out! You are young! You are free! Don’t let anything or anyone hold you back. You’ll be okay, you’ll be fine. I know it and that’s coming from you.

God has a plan for you. He’s going to send you someone. 

Remember to love yourself. 

You’re gonna be okay.

I was wrong

I don’t need a best friend. I already have one. Her name is Naomi Sconiers. I’ve known her since sixth grade. Once we graduated from middle school I thought we weren’t going to talk anymore, but we still kept up with each other. The last time I saw in person was two years ago. We FaceTime, text, and talk on the phone. I really appreciate her. I have good people in my life. I think I was just feeling lonely because my friends all left and were making new friends, but I know that they still appreciate me. Even though I’m saying this, I still do hope that I make some friends at my community college too. It’s always good to have connections everywhere.

I want to cry!!

I was THIS close to crying a few weeks ago, but my body wouldn't allow it. I almost cried prom night, but my brother stopped me. I'm glad he did, I could've ruined my makeup lol! Oh!! I actually I do remember when I had a hearty cry! It was this summer. I was watching a TED talk. Two black women were speaking. The talk was called "When Black Women Walk Things Change." (Watch it! So Good). I was surprised that I cried, it was so inspiring! It wasn't a sad cry it was a happy cry. I kept saying, "This is so inspiring, oh my gosh," as I wiped the tears from my eyes. It was a great video and I advise all of you to watch it. Anyway, I'm not a cryer and I want to be, the last time I had a good hearty cry before that must've been sometime last year! Oh actually it was this year in January, my brother and father were pressuring me about college…

Growing up I was bullied a lot. Every year all the way to the eighth grade I had a bully. I remember this one time in first grade this girl made me cry and I couldn't hold it in. I asked my teacher if I could use the bathroom, but she could tell I was about to cry so she stopped me and asked me what was wrong. As I got older I would cry in the bathroom or myself to sleep. I remember my father hated when we cried. He'd get angry and yell, "Why are you crying?!" Trying to explain why wasn't easy because he'd get even more angry.

So I stopped crying in public.

I cried in middle school once. Eighth grade. It wasn't because of bullying. My teacher lost all of my redo work. I got so angry and frustrated and I told her off. I didn't yell or scream or swear. I was annoyed because she never taught anything and we had to teach our—okay, okay, Hannah chill this isn't about your middle school teacher it's about crying.

Right. Okay.

Everyone was so surprised because they'd never seen me cry, but I did cry. I cried my self to sleep almost every night because of the bullying. I cried about everything. Freshman year of high school I was still crying myself to sleep. I wasn't getting bullied, but I was still thinking about the past bullying. As high school went on I was crying less and less.

I cried a few times sophomore year.

When I was going through depression junior year. I only cried once, but what I really I was numb.

It's like when I do need to cry or want to my body and mind just stops it.

I have so much to cry about and I want to let it out!!! My friend and I went screaming yesterday (very therapeutic, I must say). It was great and I hope we do it again. I thought I was going to cry, but I didn't.

I think I know my problem. I have too many walls. I don't want people to see that I'm broken and that I want and need help. For example, no body noticed my depression. I did. Everyone was surprised. I hide things so well. People rarely ask me if I'm doing okay because I look okay, but I'm not. I'm not.

trash talk

 

(the negatives)

everytime i try to open up to her about my deep personal problems, she always brushes it off and never takes it seriously.

she talks to me like i’m a child and she disrespects me like a lot
one time at lunch i showed her this weird text message that my mom sent me and she told the whole lunch table and started making fun of me
if i wanted the whole table to know I would have shown them and not only her
you know what irritates me the most tho?
i cant ever have an intellectual conversation with her because she acts like she has all the answers
the only time she ever really wants to talk to me is whenever i mention a certain boy or some type of drug
she’s a good person and everything, but i can’t tolerate her anymore

i should probably say something to her

my brother said that if i don’t say anything nothing is going to change
but idk how to tell her that she’s kind of a bitch
i found the word! she’s condescending

she talks to me in a condescending tone
she doesn’t know when to shut up
(the positives)
she’s really nice and not judgemental
she does give good valid advice, but maybe she can fucking listen to all that i’m saying first before opening her damn mouth
shes smart
i tried a new thing because of her and that was nice
i can be weird as fuck around her and she won’t care because she’s weird AF
she’s open minded
very very kind, that’s something i admire about her. I wish i had a kind heart
i know she’s a good friend
she’s authentic
she doesn’t give a shit about peoples opinions
she gives nice hugs
(stuff)
this is kind of my fault, she probably doesn’t take my problems seriously because when I talk about my them i smile
i smile because i’m afraid people aren’t going to take it seriously
also because even tho things aren’t really going well in my life i act like i’m okay and i’m a good actress
another reason why she probs doesnt take me seriously is because i’m private and i only say the problems that are socially acceptable
she thinks i’m so privileged, but i’m not
but i’m not going to try to prove myself to her
because that’s stupid
my brother says i need to be authentic
i can’t be authentic with her, i don’t know why
i should say something
there’s very few people who really know me and understand my personality
(all of siblings of course lol)
their initials: M, M, R, S, J, E, J, C
all of those people i met this school year except for C I knew C since freshman year, but the girl i’m talking about i’ve known her since freshman year too, soooo…. but i guess that’s kind of my fault i only show her half of me instead of all of me
wow i really suck as a friend
i’m a big ass phony
das crazy
now i want to tell her that i’m sorry. she’s an amazing person and i just talked trash about her
wow i’m an awful person
(other stuff)
i’m not that annoyed anymore
i just needed to get some things out