Tag: follow

Priorities

I was praying to God last week asking Him for some ungodly things. I then thought about my successful role models and people I know that are going to be successful and I thought to myself, shiz, I need to get my priorities straight.

What I wanted wasn’t going to do anything for me! I was focusing on the wrong shiz.

I told God that I want to focus on Him. I want Him to be my number 1 priority. He’s getting there. He is.

So yeah, I had to stop asking God what I was asking for. I had to get my mind off of that! I then began focusing on school, my mental/physical health, my artistry. Things that are important to me, I began focusing on them.

God, what I want, I’m not going to lie and say I don’t want it now because I do, but You will give it to me when the time is right. I know You will and I trust You.

Curtain

As most of you know in high school I struggled with not feeling black enough. Thank God, I’ve come to the point of being okay with my own blackness.

Anyway, I noticed that a lot of my favorite books, TV shows, movies, are about white people problems. And a lot of my favorite actors, actresses, authors, and singers are white. Because I’ve been so immersed in “white culture” or whatever, I kind of lost myself. I don’t know if that makes sense to you, but it does to me. For example, my new favorite book is Big Little Lies. I’m also in love with the miniseries. I watched it twice. Anyway, the second time, I wanted my brother to watch it with me. He liked it and didn’t finish it because he was just so annoyed. He was telling me that he just couldn’t relate to them because they were so privileged. He’d laugh at the obstacles they faced in the show making cynical remarks. I mean being in an abusive relationship isn’t something to laugh about, but he didn’t get that far.

It’s crazy because Big Little Lies barely has any black people in it. I was so into my white books, my white shows, my “white music”, everything, that I became annoyed with things from my own culture and my mind was just in an unhealthy place. I didn’t even know it! Last Thursday, I forced myself to watch Issa Rae’s Insecure and I fell in love with it. I’m not in my late 20s, but the show is so relatable. It is because I’m black, of course, but I feel like the show expresses problems everyone faces. For example, Molly, a black lawyer who is great at her job is making less than the white men. Any woman can relate to that, since all women get paid less than men. Everybody can relate to the all relationship problems. Oh and when you want to just be a hoe, guys and girls can relate to that.

But yeah…I’m still going to watch my “white shows” and stuff, but they can’t be the only ones I’m supporting.

Dirty Minded

Sex! I don’t know why, but I love to talk about sex. I’m a virgin and I’m planning to wait till marriage, sex is so interesting to me. I want to have it because I’m a sexual human being, but I think I think I can wait. 

Recently, I was thinking about how I might not wait and if there’s a guy that I’m sexually attracted to and he’s attracted to me, I’d definitely do it. So I started doing research on birth control and where the nearest planned parenthood was. I even began to ask my mother questions, she started getting paranoid, so I told her I need to be informed about these things. 

Anyway, there’s nobody I’m sexually attracted to so I won’t be doing the deed anytime soon. But honestly, I don’t want to have sex just to have it (I mean that would be fun, but nah). I feel like it’ll be much better with the man that I love. You know, just connecting on so many levels. 

For now, I just really want to make out with someone. I really do. Haha! The dude I was constantly talking about last summer, he and I only made out twice. Only two times. It should’ve been more lol, but whatevs. I think two was enough, because if we continued, I’m pretty sure we would have eventually effed. OMG! Why am I talking about this. This is too open….whatevs

Anyway, I’m trying to have a clean mind and spirit. I need to focus on God.

The week 

Before I chopped my hair, I told myself that I was beautiful. I told myself that I was smart. I told myself that I was creative and great. Now, today, in this moment I’m telling myself that I’m ugly. I’m smart, creative, and great, but I am ugly. 

My skin is porous. I’m not plump, but fat and saggy. When did I become such a troll?

Gosh, I hate myself for all this self loathing. I don’t know what to do to feel better, oh yes I do. I can continue my facial routine. I can start working out and eating healthier. Once I start doing that, I’ll feel much much better on the inside and out.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I don’t love me yet. When will I love me?! When will I love my flaws? When will my silly, ugly flaws go away?! This is what I think about on a daily basis, every night when I’m washing my face. Everyday when I look at myself before I get into the shower. When will I love my flaws? When will my flaws go the hell away?! 

Am I the only one that thinks this way? I’m not in a good place right now, as you can see. 

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck 

okay much better 👌🏾

July 15, 2017

I talk to God. Out loud. 

We have plenty of UHMAZING conversations. 

Whenever I talk to Him, I have a major breakthrough.

Whenever I talk to Him, I am smart, am wise, I am a better me.

When I don’t talk to the One and Only, my mind is blank, hollow, empty.

Whenever I focus on things other than God, I get hurt.

God should be my main focus. He’s guiding me through life and I need to follow. 

Sometimes being a follower is difficult because you want to do your own thing and be your own person. 

Hold me

I just want someone, anyone to just hold me. To tell me everything is going to be alright. I love giving people affection, but I never get it. Do people care about my well being? I have problems. Everyone has problems. 

I’m loved. I’m loved. I love. I try to give love. 

I want to sit down with Naomi and Rebecca and watch The Princess and the Frog. They’re my sisters. I want to be with them. They’re together right now. I miss them so so much. I’m so alone. My other older sister tried to have a movie night with me,  but it didn’t work out. She tried and failed, most importantly, she tried. I’m so lonely. I long for the day till I have my person. They’ll be mine and I’ll be there’s. 

Right now, I just want a female friend here with me. We’ll study together, we’ll watch movies together, we’ll be there for each other through thick and thin. I’m so alone. I’m so alone.

Today, my mother asked me why I don’t want to be here. I told her I’m not telling her why. Then my brother told me I was being disrespectful. Then I tried explaining why I wasn’t. As I was talking my mom didn’t want to hear it then said something rude. Everyone is so rude.

I feel so boxed in. I feel like someone is controlling my every move. I don’t like being home. I honestly hate it. I hate it here so much. 

In this moment I

Miss my hair. I felt so sexy and beautiful. Not anymore. Ugggh I don’t want to talk about me. I’m sad, I’m terribly sad. Something happened to my friend and I’m so sorry for her. I want to do something to make her feel better, but I don’t know what. Some things are just not fair at all. Why is life so shitty? She’s a good person. People suck. They really do.

I’m in a good

Mood. Which is actually rare for me. I don’t consider myself a joyful person, I think I’m quite solemn. This is nice! I’m not going to question this! Today, I’m going to dance and sing and take a walk and do my homework!! I’m excited for today!!

I’m so happy! That’s all God!