Thoughts

Earlier this summer I was trying to figure out what love was. What love is. My whole life my parents weren't together and I've never seen two people in love till this year. My sister has been with her boyfriend for about a year now. And they look like they're in love. They're comfortable with each other, they're real and raw. It looks like love and happiness.

I always struggled with figuring out what romantic type of love was. It's confusing. For example, high school love. Is it real? I had a friend, Jada, while she was dating her ex she told me how they met and everything. They had a lot of PDA at school, if she looked down he would ask her if she was okay constantly. But I remember in class they were kind of mean to each other. There were so many secrets and distrust between them. But they said they loved each other. So I believed them. They broke up recently I don't know how or why, but was the love real when they were together?

I hear some people go from relationship to relationship telling their Significant Other, they love them. They use the word so carelessly. I don't even think they know what it means.

I thought I was in love with this guy. Let's call him Martin. Martin had a crush on me and he told me. At first I wasn't into him, I just saw him as a friend. I liked his personality a lot and I liked being around him. We hung out a few times and began to have feelings for him. I was completely myself with him, I never tried to impress him, I was just me , and he made me laugh. So I finally told him, but it was too late he was already dating another girl. At first I was okay and then angry. Then okay again lol. I kind of knew his girlfriend, she was nice, but it was awful seeing him with her. But they were cute, so I couldn't be angry it didn't feel right. I remember in the middle of the school year I thought I was over him, then I realized as I was getting to know David that I still had feelings for Martin. I liked him a lot. I honestly believed that he and I were meant for each other. I don't think so anymore. I'm not sure if I loved him.

Probably not.

I don't think I believe in romantic love. Yeah, my sister and her boyfriend love each other, and I know it's real but

I don't believe it.

I do know that I'm going to experience it one day. And my S.O.'s love will come from the Father above.

Loved

Saturday morning. I wake up. I sit up. A revelation has been revealed to me. I scan the room for my phone. I have to tell someone. I have to. There it is! I get up. I grab it. I dial the number. It rings. It rings. It rings. It rings. She doesn't answer. I text her. "Pick up. I need to talk to you!!!!" I call again. She picks up. The information moves from my brain to my mouth gushing out as soon as I hear her voice. I tell her. Feedback is given to me. And this…this feedback for the first time I listen to it and take it into consideration. The conversation mutates. We talk for over an hour. In that hour and a half long moment, I am ascertained. I am loved. Though we are miles apart. States apart. Years apart! I can feel the affection and the care. I, once again, am loved.

Annoyed

Life is coming at me fast and I kind of like it.

I have so much hope. I know things will turn out good.

I was telling my brother that about after college that I trust God will provide something for me.

My brother said he did too, but nothing good happened for him.

He and I are in two different boats. Things are going to get better for him and things will be better for me.

It was quite discouraging when he said that. For him it's like when he gives me advice he has to discourage me, I know he's not trying to, but he just does.

10 Something PM

I told this guy last Friday that I liked him.

I knew it was too late in the summer to tell him that, but I did it anyway.

I needed to get it off my chest.

He told me he liked me too, but it was definitely too late. We’re both going off to college next month. 

On Sunday, I asked him if it was really really too late. The first word in his response was, “unfortunately”. 

At the beginning of summer vacation, I was just sexually attracted to him, but then I began to see who he really was behind his attractiveness. He’s a loving, kind, smart dude. There’s so much to him that I have not seen. I want to see it. 

It’s too late.

It sucks. Sophomore year I had a crush on him, a HUGE crush. Then junior year came and it went away.

Then I started having feelings for his friend. Then I didn’t have any crushes. Then there was David. Now,  it’s the summer and I have feelings for this guy I will never be with. 

I hate crushes. I hate feelings. I hate time. I need it to slow down. I also hate self doubt. I’m saying that because I want to text him and invite him to hang, but I’m afraid that I’m too boring. 

I should just do it anyway. Do it! Do it! Do it! 

It’s okay, you’re fine whether he finds you boring or interesting, Hannah.

***

A few minutes later

Okay, so I just texted him. This is what I said: 

“*ADAM!!!

I just wanted to say goodnight”

He texted back saying he was right about to go to sleep and told me goodnight.

Gross, why am I sharing this…?

“Cause imma weirdo, imma imma weirdo”

For the past two weeks I’ve been alone with my thoughts. I think I started going crazy. I’m not kidding.

Finally, three days ago I hung out and interacted with people. Two days ago, yesterday, and today I did too.

I do like being alone sometimes, but not all of the time. It’s not good for the mind. I started losing weight and eating one meal a day. I was on my phone doing nothing. I was not being my best self.

I hung out with friends and family and we many fulfilling conversations. It was wonderful. It was what I needed. I like to interact and discuss shit. 

I learned so much in the past couple of days from being with people. It was nice.

✂✂

Cutting people off 

Snip snip

Well, one person

Cutting my hair

Snip snip

Not all of it

I actually have good friends and it took a certain situation with 2 people to realize it.

I should listen to my siblings more and the friends who actually are a good influence on me. 

Today is Mother’s Day. My mom is enjoying it so far. It’s pretty good for me too.

My mom, my brother, and I went to a mother’s day Haitian banquet. It was nice.

Kiss

I want to tell everyone. 

My mom

My dad

My sisters

My brothers

Each and everyone of my friends,

but I can’t.

Is it really any of their business? How do I tell them? It can’t be all at once. I’ll tell them at the end, when it’s all over. What would my parents think? They wouldn’t​ be angry. I know what they’d do and it would bother me so much. 

This news is exciting! and new for me.

I just hope everything works out in God’s favor.