Dirty Minded

Sex! I don’t know why, but I love to talk about sex. I’m a virgin and I’m planning to wait till marriage, sex is so interesting to me. I want to have it because I’m a sexual human being, but I think I think I can wait. 

Recently, I was thinking about how I might not wait and if there’s a guy that I’m sexually attracted to and he’s attracted to me, I’d definitely do it. So I started doing research on birth control and where the nearest planned parenthood was. I even began to ask my mother questions, she started getting paranoid, so I told her I need to be informed about these things. 

Anyway, there’s nobody I’m sexually attracted to so I won’t be doing the deed anytime soon. But honestly, I don’t want to have sex just to have it (I mean that would be fun, but nah). I feel like it’ll be much better with the man that I love. You know, just connecting on so many levels. 

For now, I just really want to make out with someone. I really do. Haha! The dude I was constantly talking about last summer, he and I only made out twice. Only two times. It should’ve been more lol, but whatevs. I think two was enough, because if we continued, I’m pretty sure we would have eventually effed. OMG! Why am I talking about this. This is too open….whatevs

Anyway, I’m trying to have a clean mind and spirit. I need to focus on God.

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July 15, 2017

I talk to God. Out loud. 

We have plenty of UHMAZING conversations. 

Whenever I talk to Him, I have a major breakthrough.

Whenever I talk to Him, I am smart, am wise, I am a better me.

When I don’t talk to the One and Only, my mind is blank, hollow, empty.

Whenever I focus on things other than God, I get hurt.

God should be my main focus. He’s guiding me through life and I need to follow. 

Sometimes being a follower is difficult because you want to do your own thing and be your own person. 

Hold me

I just want someone, anyone to just hold me. To tell me everything is going to be alright. I love giving people affection, but I never get it. Do people care about my well being? I have problems. Everyone has problems. 

I’m loved. I’m loved. I love. I try to give love. 

I want to sit down with Naomi and Rebecca and watch The Princess and the Frog. They’re my sisters. I want to be with them. They’re together right now. I miss them so so much. I’m so alone. My other older sister tried to have a movie night with me,  but it didn’t work out. She tried and failed, most importantly, she tried. I’m so lonely. I long for the day till I have my person. They’ll be mine and I’ll be there’s. 

Right now, I just want a female friend here with me. We’ll study together, we’ll watch movies together, we’ll be there for each other through thick and thin. I’m so alone. I’m so alone.

Today, my mother asked me why I don’t want to be here. I told her I’m not telling her why. Then my brother told me I was being disrespectful. Then I tried explaining why I wasn’t. As I was talking my mom didn’t want to hear it then said something rude. Everyone is so rude.

I feel so boxed in. I feel like someone is controlling my every move. I don’t like being home. I honestly hate it. I hate it here so much. 

Warm On A Cold Night 

So I’m listening to this song by Honne. It’s a beautiful song. I want my future boyfriend to make a music video about me with this song. If that makes sense haha! Anyway, there’s a part in the song where Honne sings, “Girl you could be with anyone, but thanks for making me your number one.” Whenever I hear that lyric I think to myself, I know I can’t be with anyone, but I know my future boyfriend could be. 

There’s a guy that has a crush on me and I wonder why he likes me. I’m not special, I have short hair, I dress like a bum on most days. Why me? I thought back to the past guys that liked me and I’m still trying to figure out why me? 

Anyway, this guy is funny and sweet and very cute. I don’t want a boyfriend at all. I don’t think God wants me to have one. Whenever I try to pursue a relationship it never works out. 

1st guy: I’m pretty sure I weirded him out 

2nd guy: He had a girlfriend 

3rd guy: long story 

4th guy: It was too late

I just want friends. I want connections. I want to be loved in a non romantic type of way. 

There’s something else that I want that I’m not going to get because of my own personal values and that’s okay.

I’m in a good

Mood. Which is actually rare for me. I don’t consider myself a joyful person, I think I’m quite solemn. This is nice! I’m not going to question this! Today, I’m going to dance and sing and take a walk and do my homework!! I’m excited for today!!

I’m so happy! That’s all God! 

Thank You 

Thank you for those who have journeyed with me. I’ve had this blog since my freshman year of high school and now I’m a freshman in college. I learn more and more about myself, life, and people everyday! It is fun! It is exciting! It is new! 

I’m not quite sure if I’ve changed in the past years. Maybe, maybe not. I frankly do not care! Ha!

Continue following me on this journey! And thank you so, so much!

God bless!