Innocent 

2. A simple, guileless, inexperienced, or unsophisticated person.

I’ve always been called innocent. It didn’t really bother me (it did just a little because yes I was inexperienced, but I wasn’t simple and guileless you feel?).

But it really started to bother me earlier this year. This girl, Jada, would call me that all the time. She’d laugh give me a side hug, lay her head on mine, and say, “Aw Hannah, you’re so cute and innocent.” I knew I was that way, but she made me feel like it was bad, and I knew it wasn’t. She was afraid to talk to me about certain things because of my innocence. David too! (The dude I dated for a week). It bothered me so much that I tried to be less innocent. I already swore and had a dirty mind, so I started cursing even more and saying lots of dirty jokes. But they still saw me as this cute little girl. I began to wear crop tops and show cleavage, I felt uncomfortable doing that, but I did it anyway. I just became this different person. But I was still cute and innocent in their eyes. After David broke up with me, I just stopped caring and did me. I was wondering why I cared so much.

I’m losing my pointtttt. What’s my point?? 

💡oh yeah!!

It’s weird though, ever since I had my first and second kiss I don’t feel innocent anymore. Kissing isn’t even a big deal, but I don’t know. I feel grown and sexy….and I don’t like it.

I don’t care to not be innocent anymore, but I’m trying to understand Jada and David’s definition of it. Do I have to do drugs, party, and have sex to be experienced? I’m really trying to understand this? 

Yeahhh I don’t remember my point…whatever

I’m just going to keep doing me, I’m not going to try to be someone I’m not to prove myself to other people. Nah. I’m so glad high school is over.

For the past two weeks I’ve been alone with my thoughts. I think I started going crazy. I’m not kidding.

Finally, three days ago I hung out and interacted with people. Two days ago, yesterday, and today I did too.

I do like being alone sometimes, but not all of the time. It’s not good for the mind. I started losing weight and eating one meal a day. I was on my phone doing nothing. I was not being my best self.

I hung out with friends and family and we many fulfilling conversations. It was wonderful. It was what I needed. I like to interact and discuss shit. 

I learned so much in the past couple of days from being with people. It was nice.

Yay!!

So I had my first kiss a few weeks ago! It was wonderful! 

We kissed again yesterday and it was great!

I want to tell everyone in the whole world about it.

I want to give people every single detail. So amazing!!!!

I want to do it again!!!!!!

I want to do it again!!!!

I want to do it again!!

I didn’t know awesome kissing was till I finally had my first kiss. 

I need to chill it wasn’t that good…

Why am I lying, it was THAT good. lol 

In April I dated a guy for a week, my first boyfriend, David, he never kissed me. Never!!

I wanted to kiss him so badly, I even told him. 

But David was afraid to because I’m a Christian girl and he thought that I was gonna think it was a sin. Ugh *rolls eyes*

Okayyy, but I’m not going to lie, when I first made out with Adam* I did feel like a hoe afterwards. I don’t know why. Yes I do. I felt like a hoe because I sat on his lap. (Okay why am I sharing this??). And yesterday I 

I…I

You know what?

Never mind.

Update ew I hate dat werd

1.) Prom was last Saturday. I wore a suit.

2.) I’m not sure if I’m losing myself or actually becoming who I truly am. We’ll see. The reason for the unsurity is because I don’t know who Hannah is, so becoming her is new for me.

3.) I’m currently writing erotica. Hehehe! My friend inspired me to write one. It’s prettay good so far lol

4.) Things are going swell, but I know this isn’t going to last.

*So I just found out that unsurity isn’t a word…

Square

“My head is spinning. Drop me in a whole. I want to fall forever.”

That quote is from my last post. When I posted it then read it after, I noticed the mistake I made. I put “whole” instead of “hole.” I was going to fix it, but I decided not to. The hole is whole. I’m never going to fall in a hole forever and run away from my problems. Or I’ll fall into hole, but I have to find a way to get out. 

If a hole is whole, I can’t fall in.

How to be Badass

I WANT TO BE BAD ASSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (this article is probably for guys, but I’m breaking that barrier because I’m badass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

From: http://www.zencollegelife.com

When it comes to doing pretty much anything in life, you’ll find that there are 3 types of people; the quitters or “dropouts”, the amateurs or “normies”, and the experts or “badasses.”  If you are the type of person that tries something and finds that it is too hard, this article is for you.  If you are the person that is pretty decent at many of the things you do, but you’re rarely the best at anything, this article is for you.  If you are billy badass, but you can’t pass calculus, this article is for you.  If you can read, this article is for you.

Sooner or later we all come to the realization that most people view life as a competition.  You’ve all heard the saying “it’s a dog eat dog world.”  Maybe you agree, maybe not. But either way, you wanna stack up.  We all have it in us to want to strive right? To be the best that we can be?  Well it takes more than big biceps, a motorcycle, and cool sunglasses to be a badass (although all of those are important).  I’m going to show you how.

First of all there is a few things you must understand about the Badass.  Being a Badass isn’t a tough guy act, it isn’t an attitude that disappears at the end of the day.  Badasses are Badasses all the time, they don’t take breaks and they don’t rest.  Also understand that to be a Badass is to be in control of yourself all the time, whether someone just smashed a bottle on your head or you walked into class to a test you forgot to study for.

Steps Toward Becoming a Badass

  1. The first step to becoming a badass is to forget about society’s rules and conventions. I’m not talking about breaking laws or cheating here, but rather don’t worry about what is “normal.”  If your intent is to be the best that you can be, some of society’s rules are only going to hold you back.  Break a couple of rules and you’ll earn the Badass identity quickly.
  2. Be honest all the time. A Badass doesn’t have to lie because he doesn’t have to.  After a while people will come to like your honesty, and some will want to talk to you even if what you have to say hurts.  They will respect your honesty.
  3. Speak your mind anytime it is necessary. Don’t wait to be asked, don’t worry about what people will think.  If something needs to be said, it’s always the badass who says it.
  4. Speak with confidence and power. If you aren’t sure of yourself, nobody will be.  Also use strong vocabulary.  Words like “cool” are so weak and used by the mediocre.  It’s time to step it up.  Adapt war metaphors and powerful vocabulary to show strength.
  5. Be mysterious. The more people know about you the more normal you are.  Never talk just to talk, and never share just to share.  A badass always has a sense of unknown to him.
  6. Always look to improve. No matter what you do, there is always someone and someway to do it better.  Find this person or way and master it.  Then find a better way and master it.  Always adapt, always be ready to move, to improve.  Never, EVER quit because it’s too hard, and never be content with where you are.  Always strive for better.
  7. Have a Badass look. You’ll never be a badass in your polo shirt and khakis.  Find a way to Badass it up, and wear it with confidence.  Find your inner macho man and exploit it.  Note: Cool sunglasses, watch, and a 5 o’clock shadow never hurt.
  8. Assess yourself physically. While a badass might not be a bodybuilder, he is always ready for any situation.  This means he is physically fit, he can shoot a gun, ride a motorcycle, drive a stick, start a fire, survive in almost any condition, can hold his own in a fight, and is intimidating even to his superiors.  If you can’t run a mile or lift 100 lbs, you have a long way to go.
  9. Have a soft heart for the weak. A badass always, and I mean always, sticks up for the underdog, which includes old ladies, kids, the underdog team, puppies, etc.  This means that if the little guy is about to get pummeled by some big dude, you have to step in, even if the big guy looks like he can disfigure your face.  This is your responsibility as a badass.
  10. Get Badass hobbies. That’s right, more than one, and all super badass.  For example, I ride a motorcycle, workout every day, play guitar like a rockstar, make badass movies, and can photoshop any of your pics to make you look like a badass too.
  11. Be ready for anything. This one may not be for the weak of heart.  If someone is dying, a badass knows what to do.  Most badasses carry a knife.  Not something that looks like it’s made to kill people, but something that can be used as a tool (not a leatherman, but a cool looking pocket knife).  You gotta be handy with the steel.
  12. Walk with a swagger. A badass’s walk says so much about who he is.  It shows strength, intimidation, coolness, and a little something that says “I don’t care what you think about me, and that’s how I know you want me.”  Get in front of the mirror and don’t leave until you can see that in yourself.
  13. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. No idle talk, and no confusion.  A Badass means everything he says, and says only important things.
  14. Have a mean stare. A Badass knows the importance of a steel gaze; it can save them from many situations from an argument with a ladyfriend to a fight with a big dude.  This is also congruent with the Badass’s stance.  Never lean against things, or slouch.  Badass’s look ready and aware at all times.  Cross your arms whenever you can.
  15. Never order anything with whipped cream. Badasses don’t have time or patience for that whipped womanizing fluff.  Don’t even dare touch it… hahah
  16. Master a war cry. This is serious business.  You should have a war cry that strikes fear into the heart of your enemies.  Practice a scream until it scares you enough to wet your own pants.  In fact, if you do wet your pants, you’ll know it’s good.
  17. Do things without looking. From passing something to a friend to locking your car with a remote, doing things without looking is so Badass. Practice throwing things at a target without looking so you don’t hit someone in the face.
  18. Always be nice, until it’s time to be mean. A badass isn’t a jerk.  Have some manners, and be nice to people until you have to be mean.  But when that time comes, hold nothing back until it’s time to be nice again.
  19. Guard your time. A badass protects his time like a father protects his daughter.  Spend your time doing only things that are important to you, and if something isn’t, terminate this quickly.  This will ensure that you are developing or exercising your badassness all of the time.
  20. Forget the Haters. Every badass knows that haters are gonna hate, every day, all the time.  Do yourself a favor and forget the haters before they come.  A Badass is a hater’s main target, so be aware.

I don’t want to go to school

I want to stay in bed and sleep forever.

I don’t want to see people.

I don’t want to put a smile on my face.

I don’t want to try.

I just want to stay home and sleep.

Sleep till Jesus comes.

Sleep and maybe never wake up.