In the 8th grade

I wanted to be taller
I wanted to be slimmer
I wanted to have smaller boobs

But mainly out of all those I really wanted to be taller.

I did research. What's the average height for women? 5'6

My favorite actress were also that height. I asked my siblings if it was too late for me to grow. They said no.

I would pray to God everyday to be 5'6. I would go on fasts, that I would eventually break (lol).

On New Year's Eve, my church would have a party. My sister told us to write down prayers to God instead of resolutions. You'd keep the paper till the end of the year and see if any of them were answered.

My first prayer to God was to be 5'6 before high school started. I wrote some other things on the paper, but I don't remember.

So the whole year of 2013, I stopped worrying about my height because I knew that I was going to be 5'6. I prayed about it occasionally, but not as much as I did a year ago.

My favorite show is glee and one of my favorite characters is Rachel Berry played by Lea Michele. Now, Lea Michele is 5'2 and she was rocking her, but I didn't think too much of that because I wanted to be tall.

Through out the year I thought I was growing.

I wasn't.

When August came and I went to the doctor for a check up when they measured me they said I was 5'0. Five feet tall!! At that point in the year I didn't care as much about my height, but I was disappointed.

I asked God why didn't I grow. Then I thought about how I probably hindered myself when I didn't finish my fast, or I wasn't praying enough.

Through out my high school career I only grew one inch.

I realized later that God wanted me to be okay with myself. That I'm beautiful whether I'm tall or small. I'm glad He taught me that.

ValidationĀ 

Mmm… I love it.

Gosh, it’s honestly one of the best feelings ever.

When someone likes your tweet or comments on your Instagram picture or calls you beautiful or smart.

I seek this everyday. Subconsciously.

Will I ever stop searching for it? Will I ever just be okay?

Who knows? We’ll find out later in Hannah’s Life

Rule of Life #6

Self doubt is toxic.

It truly is.

Everybody doubts themselves even the most confident person in the world.

I feel like they have the most self doubt because they’re counting on themselves. I don’t know if that makes sense. Whatever, it makes sense to me.

Not AgainĀ 

I hate myself. No, I really do.

I just wish I had confidence.

I wish I was smart and intellectual.

I wish I was a better writer.

I wish I had good habits.

I wish and I want so much.

I’m mad at myself. Hannah, if it’s not funny don’t laugh. I have to remind myself of that. I don’t want to be fake. I want to be honest with myself and everyone around me, I just don’t want to be rude. Why am I feeling this way?? Oh, I know why, it’s because of some boy.