In the 8th grade

I wanted to be taller
I wanted to be slimmer
I wanted to have smaller boobs

But mainly out of all those I really wanted to be taller.

I did research. What's the average height for women? 5'6

My favorite actress were also that height. I asked my siblings if it was too late for me to grow. They said no.

I would pray to God everyday to be 5'6. I would go on fasts, that I would eventually break (lol).

On New Year's Eve, my church would have a party. My sister told us to write down prayers to God instead of resolutions. You'd keep the paper till the end of the year and see if any of them were answered.

My first prayer to God was to be 5'6 before high school started. I wrote some other things on the paper, but I don't remember.

So the whole year of 2013, I stopped worrying about my height because I knew that I was going to be 5'6. I prayed about it occasionally, but not as much as I did a year ago.

My favorite show is glee and one of my favorite characters is Rachel Berry played by Lea Michele. Now, Lea Michele is 5'2 and she was rocking her, but I didn't think too much of that because I wanted to be tall.

Through out the year I thought I was growing.

I wasn't.

When August came and I went to the doctor for a check up when they measured me they said I was 5'0. Five feet tall!! At that point in the year I didn't care as much about my height, but I was disappointed.

I asked God why didn't I grow. Then I thought about how I probably hindered myself when I didn't finish my fast, or I wasn't praying enough.

Through out my high school career I only grew one inch.

I realized later that God wanted me to be okay with myself. That I'm beautiful whether I'm tall or small. I'm glad He taught me that.

Let me be Frank

I will be Frank.

I want a relationship. I've never had one and I want one. I want things to happen naturally with a guy. I don't know why, but whenever I have a crush I change. I'm less confident and I try too hard. It's awful and it's turns the guy I like away.

I want to connect with a guy. I want us to have chemistry. Emotional, sexual, spiritual. We have to be on the same page.

I hate that I want a boyfriend. I'm not usually like this. My friends and my sister told me that it's okay to want a relationship.

I want to watch the sunrise with a guy that I like and who likes me. I want him to hold me.

I want him to call me just to listen to my voice.

I want him to teach me things. I want him to inspire me.

This is what I want and more.

But I won't allow it. I don't want to get hurt.

My brother also said not to have a boyfriend my freshman year of college. I believe that's great advice.

I know I don't need a boyfriend, but I want one.

I want to cuddle and talk.

I haven't listened to Mitski (one of my favorite musicians) in a while because I get into my feelings whenever I listen to her.

Ughhh?? When did I become a softy?? I don't like this. I know how this all started.

It started after June 9, 2017. The day I went to the museum with Adam.*

It was a lovely day. We held hands. We sat at the beach. We kissed. The sky was blue. The clouds were white. It was a beautiful day. He was beautiful.

And sweet.

That day I wasn't trying. I was being myself and all went well.

Whenever I think of that day and being with him I get this weird feeling in my body. It's like my whole body wants to go back to that day. I don't know if that makes sense. Whatever.

Shit, I want to cry. A part of me wants to be like he just a boy, you'll get over it don't cry over him. Another part is saying, it's okay.

Hopefully, in the future God sends me a dude as special or even more special than Adam.*

It's okay
It's okay
You had the moment you wanted with him and it was amazing. Just appreciate then move on.

It happened

I cried

I woke up. I grabbed my phone and scrolled through Instagram for a few minutes. I stopped, went to YouTube, and watched a Bible Project video. I pray then lay down. I don't remember what I was thinking, but I remember that I was numb. Something wasn't right. I need to write, I thought to myself. I get my journal. I open it and write a few sentences. I stare at the words. I stare. I stare. Something isn't right. I lean back on the wall. I'm numb. I'm numb. I'm numb. I'm nu–right before you cry something happens to your body that tells you that you're about to cry. I don't know how to describe it, but all of a sudden tears form in my eyes. I put my hand on my mouth. I begin to sniffle. I can't cry. I knew I couldn't stop myself, so I decided that I was going to cry alone in my room. My cry began to develop in to a storm. My arms and legs, moving on it's own grabbed my pants and put it on. No, no. My mouth calls my brothers name, "Emmanuel." My cry deepens. I was a thunderstorm. Rain fell from my eyes. Thunder boomed from chest. I walk out of my room, my hands on my face. Emmanuel rushes towards me, panicked, "Hannah, what's wrong?"

Crying doesn't make you weak, it makes you whole. It's oddly refreshing. Crying cleanses you.

There was something going on with me. It's hard to explain. I don't know. I cried because I woke up sad and I felt like I wasn't good enough.

To be honest, I wasn't quite sure what I was crying about. But this sudden something just came over me. I don't know.

My mind is weird. I think there's something wrong with me. I don't know.

I hate everything

1. I hate beauty
2. I hate social media
3. I hate societal pressure
4. I hate life
5. I hate curveballs
6. I hate being so insecure
7. I hate everything
8. I hate that I don't know what I'm doing with my life
9. I hate that I can't get what I want
10. I hate waiting
11. I hate negativity

I woke up in a neutral mood this morning. Honestly.

I don’t know what’s happening to me

But I’ve become sweet and romantic.

I want to hold someone’s hand and lean in to them as we walk down the street.

I want to lay on the grass and look at the clouds with someone.

I want to be held and talk about anything and everything.

Gross. When did I become this person.

I’m starting to like kids!! Ughhhh

They’re just so cute!!! 

There’s these kids at my church, they’re so adorable!

They have dark brown skin and the tiniest pores ever. The smoothest skin I’ve ever seen!!

I give them hugs every Saturday.

I want to adopt kids when I’m older.

Oh gosh, oh gosh, oh gosh!!

When did the ice around my heart melt??

Who am I becoming??

#halp 

Annoyed

Life is coming at me fast and I kind of like it.

I have so much hope. I know things will turn out good.

I was telling my brother that about after college that I trust God will provide something for me.

My brother said he did too, but nothing good happened for him.

He and I are in two different boats. Things are going to get better for him and things will be better for me.

It was quite discouraging when he said that. For him it's like when he gives me advice he has to discourage me, I know he's not trying to, but he just does.

Summer

Okay so you know the dude I’ve been talking about a lot…I just realized that I don’t really have feelings for him. He’s a great guy, but not for me. I was all in my feelings and shit for the past two weeks, then all of a sudden I wasn’t. That is the Lord working on me, I know it. This is so funny because I was texting my friends about him and listening to love songs. I almost cried. I’m laughing as I’m writing this post. This is so silly!! Wow! He and I were supposed to go see a movie in the park tomorrow which is July 18 and we planned this a few weeks ago. All last week I was thinking that by tomorrow he was gonna stand me up. I was all worried and everything. Then yesterday I realized that I don’t care to go with him as much as I did two days ago, I mean I wouldn’t mind, but it was just whatever. So last night I text him and asked him if he still wanted to go, but he couldn’t because he had to do something. I was totally fine and invited 2 other people. It’s true what they say. Feelings come and go. I’m sure I still have a little bit for him, but I don’t care anymore and that’s amazing. 

One thing is for sure about this dude. I don’t have any regrets kissing him or having feelings for him or anything because he is a special guy and I know that in the future he’s going to find a girl as great and special as he is.