I hate everything

1. I hate beauty
2. I hate social media
3. I hate societal pressure
4. I hate life
5. I hate curveballs
6. I hate being so insecure
7. I hate everything
8. I hate that I don't know what I'm doing with my life
9. I hate that I can't get what I want
10. I hate waiting
11. I hate negativity

I woke up in a neutral mood this morning. Honestly.

I want to cry!!

I was THIS close to crying a few weeks ago, but my body wouldn't allow it. I almost cried prom night, but my brother stopped me. I'm glad he did, I could've ruined my makeup lol! Oh!! I actually I do remember when I had a hearty cry! It was this summer. I was watching a TED talk. Two black women were speaking. The talk was called "When Black Women Walk Things Change." (Watch it! So Good). I was surprised that I cried, it was so inspiring! It wasn't a sad cry it was a happy cry. I kept saying, "This is so inspiring, oh my gosh," as I wiped the tears from my eyes. It was a great video and I advise all of you to watch it. Anyway, I'm not a cryer and I want to be, the last time I had a good hearty cry before that must've been sometime last year! Oh actually it was this year in January, my brother and father were pressuring me about college…

Growing up I was bullied a lot. Every year all the way to the eighth grade I had a bully. I remember this one time in first grade this girl made me cry and I couldn't hold it in. I asked my teacher if I could use the bathroom, but she could tell I was about to cry so she stopped me and asked me what was wrong. As I got older I would cry in the bathroom or myself to sleep. I remember my father hated when we cried. He'd get angry and yell, "Why are you crying?!" Trying to explain why wasn't easy because he'd get even more angry.

So I stopped crying in public.

I cried in middle school once. Eighth grade. It wasn't because of bullying. My teacher lost all of my redo work. I got so angry and frustrated and I told her off. I didn't yell or scream or swear. I was annoyed because she never taught anything and we had to teach our—okay, okay, Hannah chill this isn't about your middle school teacher it's about crying.

Right. Okay.

Everyone was so surprised because they'd never seen me cry, but I did cry. I cried my self to sleep almost every night because of the bullying. I cried about everything. Freshman year of high school I was still crying myself to sleep. I wasn't getting bullied, but I was still thinking about the past bullying. As high school went on I was crying less and less.

I cried a few times sophomore year.

When I was going through depression junior year. I only cried once, but what I really I was numb.

It's like when I do need to cry or want to my body and mind just stops it.

I have so much to cry about and I want to let it out!!! My friend and I went screaming yesterday (very therapeutic, I must say). It was great and I hope we do it again. I thought I was going to cry, but I didn't.

I think I know my problem. I have too many walls. I don't want people to see that I'm broken and that I want and need help. For example, no body noticed my depression. I did. Everyone was surprised. I hide things so well. People rarely ask me if I'm doing okay because I look okay, but I'm not. I'm not.

I don’t know what’s happening to me

But I’ve become sweet and romantic.

I want to hold someone’s hand and lean in to them as we walk down the street.

I want to lay on the grass and look at the clouds with someone.

I want to be held and talk about anything and everything.

Gross. When did I become this person.

I’m starting to like kids!! Ughhhh

They’re just so cute!!! 

There’s these kids at my church, they’re so adorable!

They have dark brown skin and the tiniest pores ever. The smoothest skin I’ve ever seen!!

I give them hugs every Saturday.

I want to adopt kids when I’m older.

Oh gosh, oh gosh, oh gosh!!

When did the ice around my heart melt??

Who am I becoming??

#halp 

So much pressure 

Not every black girl has smooth skin!

Some of us have acne and discoloration.

Not every black girl has wide hips and a big ass!

Some of us are straight and narrow.

Not every black person has rhythm!

Some of us clap off beat!

Not every black person listens to hip-hop, R&B, and rap.

Some of us listen to rock, indie, classical, and more genres!

Stop sexualizing everything we do on social media!

Stop pressuring us to be perfect!

Yes, we are frickin magical, but keep the pressure off of us and let us do our thang!

10 Something PM

I told this guy last Friday that I liked him.

I knew it was too late in the summer to tell him that, but I did it anyway.

I needed to get it off my chest.

He told me he liked me too, but it was definitely too late. We’re both going off to college next month. 

On Sunday, I asked him if it was really really too late. The first word in his response was, “unfortunately”. 

At the beginning of summer vacation, I was just sexually attracted to him, but then I began to see who he really was behind his attractiveness. He’s a loving, kind, smart dude. There’s so much to him that I have not seen. I want to see it. 

It’s too late.

It sucks. Sophomore year I had a crush on him, a HUGE crush. Then junior year came and it went away.

Then I started having feelings for his friend. Then I didn’t have any crushes. Then there was David. Now,  it’s the summer and I have feelings for this guy I will never be with. 

I hate crushes. I hate feelings. I hate time. I need it to slow down. I also hate self doubt. I’m saying that because I want to text him and invite him to hang, but I’m afraid that I’m too boring. 

I should just do it anyway. Do it! Do it! Do it! 

It’s okay, you’re fine whether he finds you boring or interesting, Hannah.

***

A few minutes later

Okay, so I just texted him. This is what I said: 

“*ADAM!!!

I just wanted to say goodnight”

He texted back saying he was right about to go to sleep and told me goodnight.

Gross, why am I sharing this…?

“Cause imma weirdo, imma imma weirdo”

Innocent 

2. A simple, guileless, inexperienced, or unsophisticated person.

I’ve always been called innocent. It didn’t really bother me (it did just a little because yes I was inexperienced, but I wasn’t simple and guileless you feel?).

But it really started to bother me earlier this year. This girl, Jada, would call me that all the time. She’d laugh give me a side hug, lay her head on mine, and say, “Aw Hannah, you’re so cute and innocent.” I knew I was that way, but she made me feel like it was bad, and I knew it wasn’t. She was afraid to talk to me about certain things because of my innocence. David too! (The dude I dated for a week). It bothered me so much that I tried to be less innocent. I already swore and had a dirty mind, so I started cursing even more and saying lots of dirty jokes. But they still saw me as this cute little girl. I began to wear crop tops and show cleavage, I felt uncomfortable doing that, but I did it anyway. I just became this different person. But I was still cute and innocent in their eyes. After David broke up with me, I just stopped caring and did me. I was wondering why I cared so much.

I’m losing my pointtttt. What’s my point?? 

💡oh yeah!!

It’s weird though, ever since I had my first and second kiss I don’t feel innocent anymore. Kissing isn’t even a big deal, but I don’t know. I feel grown and sexy….and I don’t like it.

I don’t care to not be innocent anymore, but I’m trying to understand Jada and David’s definition of it. Do I have to do drugs, party, and have sex to be experienced? I’m really trying to understand this? 

Yeahhh I don’t remember my point…whatever

I’m just going to keep doing me, I’m not going to try to be someone I’m not to prove myself to other people. Nah. I’m so glad high school is over.

Whole Milk

This is what I texted my friend:

“Name, tbh I honestly don’t want a relationship with anyone I don’t want to make out or be casual with a guy at all. All I want to do is cuddle and talk about life actually that’s my type of casual. I want to meet an attractive wholesome guy that would do that with me”

Let me rephrase that, a guy I’m a attracted to and who is attracted to me. No feelings though, no kissing, no sex, just cuddling. That’s all.

But that’s never going to happen. Never. Because we are sexual human beings. That’s not a problem. I wish some people were more wholesome. 

Actually maybe a few kisses 😉