I hate everything

1. I hate beauty
2. I hate social media
3. I hate societal pressure
4. I hate life
5. I hate curveballs
6. I hate being so insecure
7. I hate everything
8. I hate that I don't know what I'm doing with my life
9. I hate that I can't get what I want
10. I hate waiting
11. I hate negativity

I woke up in a neutral mood this morning. Honestly.

“You’ll get what you need”

That's life

"You can't always get what you want"

I'm glad

It was great

The best part

Being with him

Cheesing

Grinning

Laughing

It'll happen

Don't wait

Keep doing your thang

It'll happen

I don't know when

I don't know who

But

It'll happen

This is what my sister said:

I don’t remember exactly what she said, but it was along the lines of this.

“Don’t worry about what you lack, appreciate what you have. Appreciate every moment.” 

It’s a rule of Life. Little things matter.

Loved

Saturday morning. I wake up. I sit up. A revelation has been revealed to me. I scan the room for my phone. I have to tell someone. I have to. There it is! I get up. I grab it. I dial the number. It rings. It rings. It rings. It rings. She doesn't answer. I text her. "Pick up. I need to talk to you!!!!" I call again. She picks up. The information moves from my brain to my mouth gushing out as soon as I hear her voice. I tell her. Feedback is given to me. And this…this feedback for the first time I listen to it and take it into consideration. The conversation mutates. We talk for over an hour. In that hour and a half long moment, I am ascertained. I am loved. Though we are miles apart. States apart. Years apart! I can feel the affection and the care. I, once again, am loved.

For the past two weeks I’ve been alone with my thoughts. I think I started going crazy. I’m not kidding.

Finally, three days ago I hung out and interacted with people. Two days ago, yesterday, and today I did too.

I do like being alone sometimes, but not all of the time. It’s not good for the mind. I started losing weight and eating one meal a day. I was on my phone doing nothing. I was not being my best self.

I hung out with friends and family and we many fulfilling conversations. It was wonderful. It was what I needed. I like to interact and discuss shit. 

I learned so much in the past couple of days from being with people. It was nice.

Black Boy

I can write a love story about every guy I’ve ever liked. 

Soft gentle full lips on mine.

A touch here

A hand there

A squeeze

A bite

A smile 

We stop and stare

I move away still staring

I’m cheesing

He’s laughing

“What?”

“You’re so cute.”

A pull

Hands at my waist

Arms around his neck

Another kiss

More intense 

A deep inhale

A tighter squeeze 

More

He wants more

I want more

But we stop

And that is

The end

THIS IS NOT A POEM (I am completely serious)

I don’t know what’s happening to me.

At the beginning of the year I knew who I was. I knew what I wanted to be. I was very passionate too.

But all of a sudden, school started.

All my dreams, passions, hopes, and everything just vanished.

I feel like an alien in my own body.

It’s like I have to start all over.

I don’t know who I am anymore.

I really need help.

That’s kind of the reason why I wanted to see a therapist.

I just wanted to talk to someone about everything.

When I say everything. I mean EVERYTHING.

I do have friends that would be willing to listen, my family too.

But I don’t know, I’m just tired.