Draft

Hi I’m David and I’m an asshole.

I met this girl at the beginning of the second semester. Hannah, was her name. Beautiful brown skin, long legs, and a nice smile. Whenever she laughed the darkness in my heart would light up. I got goosebumps whenever I heard her soft voice. She was and is truly amazing.

She sat right in front of me, I was constantly self conscious around her. I thought I was annoying her even though we never spoke.

The first time she turned around to talk to me will always be one of the best days of my life.

Hannah: Do you understand how to do this worksheet?

(We were in Economics. I don’t remember exactly what we were doing, but it had an equation)

I nod my head.

Hannah: Okay cool. Don’t give me the answer, but can you show me how to do number seven?

***

It was the first Friday in February when I got a text message after school saying:

“Jada gave me your number and I don’t know why, but hello.”

I texted asking who it was, but then Jada told me that it was Hannah.

I was really happy that she texted me. We texted for hours. We talked about music, our identity, and more. It was lovely.

*I ain’t finishing this damn story* 

trash talk

 

(the negatives)

everytime i try to open up to her about my deep personal problems, she always brushes it off and never takes it seriously.

she talks to me like i’m a child and she disrespects me like a lot
one time at lunch i showed her this weird text message that my mom sent me and she told the whole lunch table and started making fun of me
if i wanted the whole table to know I would have shown them and not only her
you know what irritates me the most tho?
i cant ever have an intellectual conversation with her because she acts like she has all the answers
the only time she ever really wants to talk to me is whenever i mention a certain boy or some type of drug
she’s a good person and everything, but i can’t tolerate her anymore

i should probably say something to her

my brother said that if i don’t say anything nothing is going to change
but idk how to tell her that she’s kind of a bitch
i found the word! she’s condescending

she talks to me in a condescending tone
she doesn’t know when to shut up
(the positives)
she’s really nice and not judgemental
she does give good valid advice, but maybe she can fucking listen to all that i’m saying first before opening her damn mouth
shes smart
i tried a new thing because of her and that was nice
i can be weird as fuck around her and she won’t care because she’s weird AF
she’s open minded
very very kind, that’s something i admire about her. I wish i had a kind heart
i know she’s a good friend
she’s authentic
she doesn’t give a shit about peoples opinions
she gives nice hugs
(stuff)
this is kind of my fault, she probably doesn’t take my problems seriously because when I talk about my them i smile
i smile because i’m afraid people aren’t going to take it seriously
also because even tho things aren’t really going well in my life i act like i’m okay and i’m a good actress
another reason why she probs doesnt take me seriously is because i’m private and i only say the problems that are socially acceptable
she thinks i’m so privileged, but i’m not
but i’m not going to try to prove myself to her
because that’s stupid
my brother says i need to be authentic
i can’t be authentic with her, i don’t know why
i should say something
there’s very few people who really know me and understand my personality
(all of siblings of course lol)
their initials: M, M, R, S, J, E, J, C
all of those people i met this school year except for C I knew C since freshman year, but the girl i’m talking about i’ve known her since freshman year too, soooo…. but i guess that’s kind of my fault i only show her half of me instead of all of me
wow i really suck as a friend
i’m a big ass phony
das crazy
now i want to tell her that i’m sorry. she’s an amazing person and i just talked trash about her
wow i’m an awful person
(other stuff)
i’m not that annoyed anymore
i just needed to get some things out

Not a Draft

I wish I knew how to converse with people. I have a lot to say, I’m just a slow thinker and there’s nothing wrong with that.

I wish I knew how to connect with people.

I’m going to college soon and I want to make lifelong friends. It’s going to be harder though because I’m going to a community college.

Making friends and connecting with people shouldn’t be hard though. People do it all the time.

I’m so bored with my life. I want to have fun!!! I want to try new things, meet new people.

I really want to not post this and save it as a draft, but I told myself, I am not doing that this year.

Ughhhhhh

I found a school

My mom has a rule: “if the college you want to go to is out of state, it has to be Seventh-Day Adventist.”

I want to be a filmmaker. I assumed SDA schools don’t have film classes. So I decided that I’m still going to apply to an SDA school, but I’m not gonna go. I’m gonna go to a school in my state.

So I’m applying to three different SDA schools: Andrews University, La Sierra University, and Southern Adventist University. For each college they give you a list of majors and you have to choose one. At first I was going to choose the same major for each one, but they all had different ones.

For Andrews I picked a communications program.

For Southern I chose Fine Arts.

And for La Sierra….. Film/TV and Screenwriting!!!!!!

So an SDA school did have a film program!!! Yay!!!

I choose that one as my top choice.

I was thinking I can’t wait to tell my mom.

My mom came home work. I decide to tell her I got accepted to La Sierra instead of saying I just applied. And you know what she told me…YOU CAN’T GO THERE. It’s too far she says. (La Sierra is in California, I live in the Midwest). (I was expecting her to say, “Yay! Good for you!” Then I would say, “I actually just applied, but hopefully I get accepted”).

Whoa there! Say what?????

My mom never said anything about distance. I finally found my dream school and I can’t even go there. For the first time ever I’m not mad at my mom, but disappointed. How can she do this to me? 

I’m pretty sad right now, so I’m going to watch some  Glee and pray about this. 

Peace

Ugh

Why are guys so confusing? No, why are boys confusing? Because the dudes at my school are boys. Insolent little boys. I’m really looking forward to graduation next year. I’m tired of people, especially boys.

I really tried my best, but I tried too hard.

Then I stopped trying and things were going quite swell.

I tried again and failed. Now I’m angry and hungry.

We both had a chance, but we both screwed up.

I really hate dislike that boy.

I’m so freaking irritated.

You know what? Let me just listen to some Coldplay I will feel much better.