I want to cry!!

I was THIS close to crying a few weeks ago, but my body wouldn't allow it. I almost cried prom night, but my brother stopped me. I'm glad he did, I could've ruined my makeup lol! Oh!! I actually I do remember when I had a hearty cry! It was this summer. I was watching a TED talk. Two black women were speaking. The talk was called "When Black Women Walk Things Change." (Watch it! So Good). I was surprised that I cried, it was so inspiring! It wasn't a sad cry it was a happy cry. I kept saying, "This is so inspiring, oh my gosh," as I wiped the tears from my eyes. It was a great video and I advise all of you to watch it. Anyway, I'm not a cryer and I want to be, the last time I had a good hearty cry before that must've been sometime last year! Oh actually it was this year in January, my brother and father were pressuring me about college…

Growing up I was bullied a lot. Every year all the way to the eighth grade I had a bully. I remember this one time in first grade this girl made me cry and I couldn't hold it in. I asked my teacher if I could use the bathroom, but she could tell I was about to cry so she stopped me and asked me what was wrong. As I got older I would cry in the bathroom or myself to sleep. I remember my father hated when we cried. He'd get angry and yell, "Why are you crying?!" Trying to explain why wasn't easy because he'd get even more angry.

So I stopped crying in public.

I cried in middle school once. Eighth grade. It wasn't because of bullying. My teacher lost all of my redo work. I got so angry and frustrated and I told her off. I didn't yell or scream or swear. I was annoyed because she never taught anything and we had to teach our—okay, okay, Hannah chill this isn't about your middle school teacher it's about crying.

Right. Okay.

Everyone was so surprised because they'd never seen me cry, but I did cry. I cried my self to sleep almost every night because of the bullying. I cried about everything. Freshman year of high school I was still crying myself to sleep. I wasn't getting bullied, but I was still thinking about the past bullying. As high school went on I was crying less and less.

I cried a few times sophomore year.

When I was going through depression junior year. I only cried once, but what I really I was numb.

It's like when I do need to cry or want to my body and mind just stops it.

I have so much to cry about and I want to let it out!!! My friend and I went screaming yesterday (very therapeutic, I must say). It was great and I hope we do it again. I thought I was going to cry, but I didn't.

I think I know my problem. I have too many walls. I don't want people to see that I'm broken and that I want and need help. For example, no body noticed my depression. I did. Everyone was surprised. I hide things so well. People rarely ask me if I'm doing okay because I look okay, but I'm not. I'm not.

I don’t know what’s happening to me

But I’ve become sweet and romantic.

I want to hold someone’s hand and lean in to them as we walk down the street.

I want to lay on the grass and look at the clouds with someone.

I want to be held and talk about anything and everything.

Gross. When did I become this person.

I’m starting to like kids!! Ughhhh

They’re just so cute!!! 

There’s these kids at my church, they’re so adorable!

They have dark brown skin and the tiniest pores ever. The smoothest skin I’ve ever seen!!

I give them hugs every Saturday.

I want to adopt kids when I’m older.

Oh gosh, oh gosh, oh gosh!!

When did the ice around my heart melt??

Who am I becoming??

#halp 

Thoughts

Earlier this summer I was trying to figure out what love was. What love is. My whole life my parents weren't together and I've never seen two people in love till this year. My sister has been with her boyfriend for about a year now. And they look like they're in love. They're comfortable with each other, they're real and raw. It looks like love and happiness.

I always struggled with figuring out what romantic type of love was. It's confusing. For example, high school love. Is it real? I had a friend, Jada, while she was dating her ex she told me how they met and everything. They had a lot of PDA at school, if she looked down he would ask her if she was okay constantly. But I remember in class they were kind of mean to each other. There were so many secrets and distrust between them. But they said they loved each other. So I believed them. They broke up recently I don't know how or why, but was the love real when they were together?

I hear some people go from relationship to relationship telling their Significant Other, they love them. They use the word so carelessly. I don't even think they know what it means.

I thought I was in love with this guy. Let's call him Martin. Martin had a crush on me and he told me. At first I wasn't into him, I just saw him as a friend. I liked his personality a lot and I liked being around him. We hung out a few times and began to have feelings for him. I was completely myself with him, I never tried to impress him, I was just me , and he made me laugh. So I finally told him, but it was too late he was already dating another girl. At first I was okay and then angry. Then okay again lol. I kind of knew his girlfriend, she was nice, but it was awful seeing him with her. But they were cute, so I couldn't be angry it didn't feel right. I remember in the middle of the school year I thought I was over him, then I realized as I was getting to know David that I still had feelings for Martin. I liked him a lot. I honestly believed that he and I were meant for each other. I don't think so anymore. I'm not sure if I loved him.

Probably not.

I don't think I believe in romantic love. Yeah, my sister and her boyfriend love each other, and I know it's real but

I don't believe it.

I do know that I'm going to experience it one day. And my S.O.'s love will come from the Father above.

Sunrise Sunrise

I saw the sunrising this morning. I was laying in my bed, awake. I look at my window next to me. I look away then back. I move aside the curtain and see that the sky is orange. I grab my phone, my keys, I put on my shoes, then walk out the door. There was a huge thunderstorm last night, so the earth was still dripping. The bugs were chirping so loudly, it was beautiful. I finally look up and the sky…the sky is violet

My eyes fill with wonder. I continue admiring the vast beyond. I begin to walk, not looking down but up. As I walk toward the sunrise side the colors change

Instead of violet and blue, there's pink, red, yellow. I stop walking for a bit and kind of stand watching the rising sun reflect its light on the majestic clouds. None of this looks real. I felt as if I were in an art gallery admiring a painting of morning. But this wasn't artificial, it was raw, intrinsic. This is God. This is a part of Him.

I walk back home still appreciating morn. I don't go inside. I just sit down listening to nature. Listening to the drip and the drop of rain onto puddles. The clicking, the hissing, and the chirping of bugs. In that moment I wanted to be one with nature. I wanted to be a majestic cloud. I wanted to be part of the trees and grass. One day I will be.

This is what my sister said:

I don’t remember exactly what she said, but it was along the lines of this.

“Don’t worry about what you lack, appreciate what you have. Appreciate every moment.” 

It’s a rule of Life. Little things matter.

Loved

Saturday morning. I wake up. I sit up. A revelation has been revealed to me. I scan the room for my phone. I have to tell someone. I have to. There it is! I get up. I grab it. I dial the number. It rings. It rings. It rings. It rings. She doesn't answer. I text her. "Pick up. I need to talk to you!!!!" I call again. She picks up. The information moves from my brain to my mouth gushing out as soon as I hear her voice. I tell her. Feedback is given to me. And this…this feedback for the first time I listen to it and take it into consideration. The conversation mutates. We talk for over an hour. In that hour and a half long moment, I am ascertained. I am loved. Though we are miles apart. States apart. Years apart! I can feel the affection and the care. I, once again, am loved.

Annoyed

Life is coming at me fast and I kind of like it.

I have so much hope. I know things will turn out good.

I was telling my brother that about after college that I trust God will provide something for me.

My brother said he did too, but nothing good happened for him.

He and I are in two different boats. Things are going to get better for him and things will be better for me.

It was quite discouraging when he said that. For him it's like when he gives me advice he has to discourage me, I know he's not trying to, but he just does.