What I want 

I want to live in a beautiful house with my husband. I want to own an art gallery. I want to adopt two kids. I want a huge backyard and invite the ones that I love and watch a movie on a big screen. I want us to look at one another and enjoy the moment.

When I was kid at my old old house my family and I would watch movies in the basement. For some reason we’d watch it early, so that by the time the movie was over it would still be bright out. The movie still in the back of our heads as we went up the stairs.

I love love LOVE The Princess Diaries, it’s a movie I can watch over and over again. The movie reminds me of good times when I was a kid. 

Movies are magical. They bring people together. I feel safe when I’m with my loved ones watching a movie. 

I keep reminiscing. I want my future family to have good times and love each other. 

Whenever I imagine those times I think of myself looking at the sun through a window. I don’t know why. 

This whole week I’ve been in a better than okay mood.

The song I’m listening to is reminding me of all this: September Song – Agnes Obel

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Role Model 

I finally found my role model. For years I’ve been looking for one. At first all of my role models were white, then I realized I wanted someone that looked like me. Then it was a battle between two black women: Kerry Washington and Viola Davis. I related more to Washington, but I felt like I looked more like Davis. So it became a tie.

I loved them, but they weren’t the role models I was looking for. Then two weeks ago I was scrolling through Tracee Ellis Ross’ Instagram and I was just admiring her carefreeness. She’s so bold and different and so comfortable with herself. As I was on her page she posted a quote that she said, “I want people to say when they look at me that that’s a woman who is comfortable with herself.” That’s exactly what I thought about her before I saw the quote! Anyway, the reason why I love her so much is because she struggled with loving herself when she was my age. It makes me so happy that she came to a point where she became okay with herself. She gives me hope. It may not be right now or tomorrow, but I know one day that I’ll learn to love myself and not care about people’s opinions.

This is Tracee Ellis Ross: 

I’m in a good

Mood. Which is actually rare for me. I don’t consider myself a joyful person, I think I’m quite solemn. This is nice! I’m not going to question this! Today, I’m going to dance and sing and take a walk and do my homework!! I’m excited for today!!

I’m so happy! That’s all God! 

Let me be Frank

I will be Frank.

I want a relationship. I’ve never had one and I want one. I want things to happen naturally with a guy. I don’t know why, but whenever I have a crush I change. I’m less confident and I try too hard. It’s awful and it’s turns the guy I like away.

I want to connect with a guy. I want us to have chemistry. Emotional, sexual, spiritual. We have to be on the same page.

I hate that I want a boyfriend. I’m not usually like this. My friends and my sister told me that it’s okay to want a relationship.

I want to watch the sunrise with a guy that I like and who likes me. I want him to hold me.

I want him to call me just to listen to my voice.

I want him to teach me things. I want him to inspire me.

This is what I want and more.

But I won’t allow it. I don’t want to get hurt.

My brother also said not to have a boyfriend my freshman year of college. I believe that’s great advice.

I know I don’t need a boyfriend, but I want one.

I want to cuddle and talk.

I haven’t listened to Mitski (one of my favorite musicians) in a while because I get into my feelings whenever I listen to her.

Ughhh?? When did I become a softy?? I don’t like this. I know how this all started.

It started after June 9, 2017. The day I went to the museum with Adam.*

It was a lovely day. We held hands. We sat at the beach. We kissed. The sky was blue. The clouds were white. It was a beautiful day. He was beautiful.

And sweet.

That day I wasn’t trying. I was being myself and all went well.

Whenever I think of that day and being with him I get this weird feeling in my body. It’s like my whole body wants to go back to that day. I don’t know if that makes sense. Whatever.

Shit, I want to cry. A part of me wants to be like he’s just a boy, you’ll get over it don’t cry over him. Another part is saying, it’s okay.

Hopefully, in the future God sends me a dude as special or even more special than Adam.*

It’s okay
It’s okay
You had the moment you wanted with him and it was amazing. Just appreciate it then move on.

This is weird

But I’ve been laughing a lot lately. I’m already a laugher…A fake laugher (don’t ask). But these laughs, these laughs they’re real. Belly rippling (?) laughs, wake up the dead laughs, I have to stop tying my shoe because the joke is so funny laughs, stomach grabbing laughs, I have to stomp my foot because I can’t stop laughing laughs!!! God, it feels so good! My stomach is kind of sore, though.

Every morning, I do my daily devotion with God. I noticed a while ago that whenever I do it, whenever I spend time with Him my day is just amazing.

Today, I didn’t do my morning worship, but so far this day has been good. I started thinking, Do I really need to spend time with God to have an amazing day? I realized I wasn’t spending time with God just to spend time with Him, it was just so that I could have a good day. So I was using God for my satisfaction. Sometimes I get so worried when I don’t do it. I’m just like, Oh no, I didn’t do it, today is going to be awful I already know it. Earlier this week I did my worship and it was a pretty awful day.

I realized that when I do my worships with the One and Only, I should be in the right spirit. I should want to be with Him and talk to Him because 1.) He’s amazing and great, 2.) There is no one else like Him 3.) He created me, the heavens and the earth, and 4.) He makes my days wonderful and I should be grateful. I’d be useless without Him. My friend, Kiara, called God her Beloved and I just love that. I’m going to steal that from her.