I don’t know what’s happening to me

But I’ve become sweet and romantic.

I want to hold someone’s hand and lean in to them as we walk down the street.

I want to lay on the grass and look at the clouds with someone.

I want to be held and talk about anything and everything.

Gross. When did I become this person.

I’m starting to like kids!! Ughhhh

They’re just so cute!!! 

There’s these kids at my church, they’re so adorable!

They have dark brown skin and the tiniest pores ever. The smoothest skin I’ve ever seen!!

I give them hugs every Saturday.

I want to adopt kids when I’m older.

Oh gosh, oh gosh, oh gosh!!

When did the ice around my heart melt??

Who am I becoming??

#halp 

Thoughts

Earlier this summer I was trying to figure out what love was. What love is. My whole life my parents weren't together and I've never seen two people in love till this year. My sister has been with her boyfriend for about a year now. And they look like they're in love. They're comfortable with each other, they're real and raw. It looks like love and happiness.

I always struggled with figuring out what romantic type of love was. It's confusing. For example, high school love. Is it real? I had a friend, Jada, while she was dating her ex she told me how they met and everything. They had a lot of PDA at school, if she looked down he would ask her if she was okay constantly. But I remember in class they were kind of mean to each other. There were so many secrets and distrust between them. But they said they loved each other. So I believed them. They broke up recently I don't know how or why, but was the love real when they were together?

I hear some people go from relationship to relationship telling their Significant Other, they love them. They use the word so carelessly. I don't even think they know what it means.

I thought I was in love with this guy. Let's call him Martin. Martin had a crush on me and he told me. At first I wasn't into him, I just saw him as a friend. I liked his personality a lot and I liked being around him. We hung out a few times and began to have feelings for him. I was completely myself with him, I never tried to impress him, I was just me , and he made me laugh. So I finally told him, but it was too late he was already dating another girl. At first I was okay and then angry. Then okay again lol. I kind of knew his girlfriend, she was nice, but it was awful seeing him with her. But they were cute, so I couldn't be angry it didn't feel right. I remember in the middle of the school year I thought I was over him, then I realized as I was getting to know David that I still had feelings for Martin. I liked him a lot. I honestly believed that he and I were meant for each other. I don't think so anymore. I'm not sure if I loved him.

Probably not.

I don't think I believe in romantic love. Yeah, my sister and her boyfriend love each other, and I know it's real but

I don't believe it.

I do know that I'm going to experience it one day. And my S.O.'s love will come from the Father above.

Yay!!

So I had my first kiss a few weeks ago! It was wonderful! 

We kissed again yesterday and it was great!

I want to tell everyone in the whole world about it.

I want to give people every single detail. So amazing!!!!

I want to do it again!!!!!!

I want to do it again!!!!

I want to do it again!!

I didn’t know awesome kissing was till I finally had my first kiss. 

I need to chill it wasn’t that good…

Why am I lying, it was THAT good. lol 

In April I dated a guy for a week, my first boyfriend, David, he never kissed me. Never!!

I wanted to kiss him so badly, I even told him. 

But David was afraid to because I’m a Christian girl and he thought that I was gonna think it was a sin. Ugh *rolls eyes*

Okayyy, but I’m not going to lie, when I first made out with Adam* I did feel like a hoe afterwards. I don’t know why. Yes I do. I felt like a hoe because I sat on his lap. (Okay why am I sharing this??). And yesterday I 

I…I

You know what?

Never mind.

Cause I’m a woman

W-O-M-A-N

I’m 18

I’m a woman

I’m a black woman.

I won’t stop being angsty.

The angst will go away on its own.

I can still be rebellious, but I’m gonna have to watch out more be—-

(Omg breaking news!!

This boy that I liked last year Snapchatted me. I just opened it and did not reply. I am utterly grossed out about that crush.)

I don’t want to want. I want to just be. Be content and hope for the best.

Is it bad to rethink things? I need to talk to God. I haven’t really talked to Him in a while.

The day after

I made a fool of myself and that’s okay.

I’m growing up. I’m trying new things. I’m experiencing new things and that’s okay. 

Stupidity is part of growing up. Mistakes is part of growing up. I should be okay with that.

I’m hurt. I’m happy. I’m free to be me. I was always free to be me, but I was scared. Well, I still am. 

I’m hurt, I’m hopeful. Hopeful for my own future. 

I will get better at things. I will stop caring, stop being ashamed.

I’m hurt. Relax. I’m hurt. Relax. I was stupid. Relax. I was stupid. Rela—SHUT UP!! ……………Calm the fuck down.

I hate labels. I’m hurt. I’m sleepy. I care….A lot. It’s obvious. 

Energy wasted not being myself. I’m learning. 

High School. I just realized I don’t take anybody seriously at school. 

I can keep writing. I will.

I like to be independent and do things on my own. 

I should’ve–SHOULDA COULDA WOULDA

We get it, you regret this or that. 

My head is spinning. Drop me in a whole. I want to fall forever. 

School is just school. The people there are just people.

It’s okay to be hurt. It’s okay to feel stupid. We all have our regrets 

I’m mad

I don’t usually get mad and when I do I keep it to myself. But I’m fucking pissed. I’m mad at this person that I’ve known my whole life. I hate feeling this way. I was always have off and on feelings about this person. Sometimes I like her and sometimes I wish I never knew her. It’s kind of sad though because this person is my sister.

Window

Why do I give up so easily? I want to be a screenwriter, but I’m going into social work. I want to win an Academy Award, a Golden Globe, a Tony, and maybe an Emmy. I got accepted to Columbia College Chicago last month, I can’t go because of $$$. Can I still be an award winning screenwriter and playwright if I’m going into social work. Will I have time to write or even create art? I don’t mind being a social worker, but I don’t want to become one and forget about art, I don’t want to lose myself. 

I’m turning 18 next month. I’m not ready to grow up.