This makes me happy. Not happy, just glad. I’m glad. Good.
So I’m listening to this song by Honne. It’s a beautiful song. I want my future boyfriend to make a music video about me with this song. If that makes sense haha! Anyway, there’s a part in the song where Honne sings, “Girl you could be with anyone, but thanks for making me your number one.” Whenever I hear that lyric I think to myself, I know I can’t be with anyone, but I know my future boyfriend could be.
There’s a guy that has a crush on me and I wonder why he likes me. I’m not special, I have short hair, I dress like a bum on most days. Why me? I thought back to the past guys that liked me and I’m still trying to figure out why me?
Anyway, this guy is funny and sweet and very cute. I don’t want a boyfriend at all. I don’t think God wants me to have one. Whenever I try to pursue a relationship it never works out.
1st guy: I’m pretty sure I weirded him out
2nd guy: He had a girlfriend
3rd guy: long story
4th guy: It was too late
I just want friends. I want connections. I want to be loved in a non romantic type of way.
There’s something else that I want that I’m not going to get because of my own personal values and that’s okay.
We all have our up and downs. We have our neutrals too. Sometimes we’re right in the middle. Just fine. Regular. I’ve been feeling that lately. I’m just so ehh. I’m trying not to think about certain things that’ll get me down.
Last Thursday I came home from work listening to music. I was listening to the Hairspray soundtrack and Dreamgirls. Then a Disney song. I don’t remember the song just that it was Disney. I started to think about my sisters Naomi and Rebecca, we’d have movie nights, eat General Tso tofu, eat junk food. I miss that. We haven’t done that in years. Then I started thinking about how I wish I had a best friend. I want a partner in crime. I want a friend that knows my family and everything about me, and I know everything about them and their fam too. You know? I want to stay up late on a Saturday night and watch musicals with her! Be completely comfortable with her. I guess I want a best friend who’s kind of like another sister just my age.
I do have good friends, but they all kind of have their own best friends.
I want someone here with me. I miss some of my friends. I used to not have any. I really appreciate them, they’re good people. I’m just very lonely.
Why do I give up so easily? I want to be a screenwriter, but I’m going into social work. I want to win an Academy Award, a Golden Globe, a Tony, and maybe an Emmy. I got accepted to Columbia College Chicago last month, I can’t go because of $$$. Can I still be an award winning screenwriter and playwright if I’m going into social work. Will I have time to write or even create art? I don’t mind being a social worker, but I don’t want to become one and forget about art, I don’t want to lose myself.
I’m turning 18 next month. I’m not ready to grow up.
My first day of senior year is next Wednesday. Am I excited? A tiny bit! This is my last frickin year of high school. I feel like I just came into high school. I want this school year to be amazing. It will be amazing.
I’m growing up. I don’t want to. I never liked getting older. I remember when I was nine I didn’t want to turn ten. I was so scared, I thought I wasn’t going to be a kid anymore.
I need a job.
I don’t want to be mature. I don’t want to make big decisions. I don’t want to be an adult. I don’t want to adult. I don’t want to settle down.
I’m not worried. I’m excited! I’m growing up!
I can’t wait to start my life all over. I’m so embarrassed about the things I’ve said and done in high school…well mainly my junior year. I really need to go somewhere where nobody knows me and I can finally be myself.
I’m so glad junior year is over. I really think I was having a mental break or something. I was literally going crazy. I was going through some shiiiiit.
God is so good though, let me tell you I really feel mentally stable…kind of.
I’ve been doing my worship and talking to God. Things are going well because I have Jesus’s peace in my heart.
But honestly every night I keep thinking about the things I said and did last school year and I get so worried and I don’t know what to do. I need to go to college and start a new life like now. Like forreal.
My mom has a rule: “if the college you want to go to is out of state, it has to be Seventh-Day Adventist.”
I want to be a filmmaker. I assumed SDA schools don’t have film classes. So I decided that I’m still going to apply to an SDA school, but I’m not gonna go. I’m gonna go to a school in my state.
So I’m applying to three different SDA schools: Andrews University, La Sierra University, and Southern Adventist University. For each college they give you a list of majors and you have to choose one. At first I was going to choose the same major for each one, but they all had different ones.
For Andrews I picked a communications program.
For Southern I chose Fine Arts.
And for La Sierra….. Film/TV and Screenwriting!!!!!!
So an SDA school did have a film program!!! Yay!!!
I choose that one as my top choice.
I was thinking I can’t wait to tell my mom.
My mom came home work. I decide to tell her I got accepted to La Sierra instead of saying I just applied. And you know what she told me…YOU CAN’T GO THERE. It’s too far she says. (La Sierra is in California, I live in the Midwest). (I was expecting her to say, “Yay! Good for you!” Then I would say, “I actually just applied, but hopefully I get accepted”).
Whoa there! Say what?????
My mom never said anything about distance. I finally found my dream school and I can’t even go there. For the first time ever I’m not mad at my mom, but disappointed. How can she do this to me?
I’m pretty sad right now, so I’m going to watch some Glee and pray about this.