Miss my hair. I felt so sexy and beautiful. Not anymore. Ugggh I don’t want to talk about me. I’m sad, I’m terribly sad. Something happened to my friend and I’m so sorry for her. I want to do something to make her feel better, but I don’t know what. Some things are just not fair at all. Why is life so shitty? She’s a good person. People suck. They really do.
Okay so you know the dude I’ve been talking about a lot…I just realized that I don’t really have feelings for him. He’s a great guy, but not for me. I was all in my feelings and shit for the past two weeks, then all of a sudden I wasn’t. That is the Lord working on me, I know it. This is so funny because I was texting my friends about him and listening to love songs. I almost cried. I’m laughing as I’m writing this post. This is so silly!! Wow! He and I were supposed to go see a movie in the park tomorrow which is July 18 and we planned this a few weeks ago. All last week I was thinking that by tomorrow he was gonna stand me up. I was all worried and everything. Then yesterday I realized that I don’t care to go with him as much as I did two days ago, I mean I wouldn’t mind, but it was just whatever. So last night I text him and asked him if he still wanted to go, but he couldn’t because he had to do something. I was totally fine and invited 2 other people. It’s true what they say. Feelings come and go. I’m sure I still have a little bit for him, but I don’t care anymore and that’s amazing.
One thing is for sure about this dude. I don’t have any regrets kissing him or having feelings for him or anything because he is a special guy and I know that in the future he’s going to find a girl as great and special as he is.
I told this guy last Friday that I liked him.
I knew it was too late in the summer to tell him that, but I did it anyway.
I needed to get it off my chest.
He told me he liked me too, but it was definitely too late. We’re both going off to college next month.
On Sunday, I asked him if it was really really too late. The first word in his response was, “unfortunately”.
At the beginning of summer vacation, I was just sexually attracted to him, but then I began to see who he really was behind his attractiveness. He’s a loving, kind, smart dude. There’s so much to him that I have not seen. I want to see it.
It’s too late.
It sucks. Sophomore year I had a crush on him, a HUGE crush. Then junior year came and it went away.
Then I started having feelings for his friend. Then I didn’t have any crushes. Then there was David. Now, it’s the summer and I have feelings for this guy I will never be with.
I hate crushes. I hate feelings. I hate time. I need it to slow down. I also hate self doubt. I’m saying that because I want to text him and invite him to hang, but I’m afraid that I’m too boring.
I should just do it anyway. Do it! Do it! Do it!
It’s okay, you’re fine whether he finds you boring or interesting, Hannah.
A few minutes later
Okay, so I just texted him. This is what I said:
I just wanted to say goodnight”
He texted back saying he was right about to go to sleep and told me goodnight.
Gross, why am I sharing this…?
“Cause imma weirdo, imma imma weirdo”
Hi I’m David and I’m an asshole.
I met this girl at the beginning of the second semester. Hannah, was her name. Beautiful brown skin, long legs, and a nice smile. Whenever she laughed the darkness in my heart would light up. I got goosebumps whenever I heard her soft voice. She was and is truly amazing.
She sat right in front of me, I was constantly self conscious around her. I thought I was annoying her even though we never spoke.
The first time she turned around to talk to me will always be one of the best days of my life.
Hannah: Do you understand how to do this worksheet?
(We were in Economics. I don’t remember exactly what we were doing, but it had an equation)
I nod my head.
Hannah: Okay cool. Don’t give me the answer, but can you show me how to do number seven?
It was the first Friday in February when I got a text message after school saying:
“Jada gave me your number and I don’t know why, but hello.”
I texted asking who it was, but then Jada told me that it was Hannah.
I was really happy that she texted me. We texted for hours. We talked about music, our identity, and more. It was lovely.
*I ain’t finishing this damn story*
I can write a love story about every guy I’ve ever liked.
Soft gentle full lips on mine.
A touch here
A hand there
We stop and stare
I move away still staring
“You’re so cute.”
Hands at my waist
Arms around his neck
A deep inhale
A tighter squeeze
He wants more
I want more
But we stop
And that is
how does one stop caring
what if things get better for the other person
im still alone
what if theyre happy and im
i want to move on before they do
i want us to move on at the same time
so that we can be happy for each other
i wish this never happened
I made a fool of myself and that’s okay.
I’m growing up. I’m trying new things. I’m experiencing new things and that’s okay.
Stupidity is part of growing up. Mistakes is part of growing up. I should be okay with that.
I’m hurt. I’m happy. I’m free to be me. I was always free to be me, but I was scared. Well, I still am.
I’m hurt, I’m hopeful. Hopeful for my own future.
I will get better at things. I will stop caring, stop being ashamed.
I’m hurt. Relax. I’m hurt. Relax. I was stupid. Relax. I was stupid. Rela—SHUT UP!! ……………Calm the fuck down.
I hate labels. I’m hurt. I’m sleepy. I care….A lot. It’s obvious.
Energy wasted not being myself. I’m learning.
High School. I just realized I don’t take anybody seriously at school.
I can keep writing. I will.
I like to be independent and do things on my own.
I should’ve–SHOULDA COULDA WOULDA
We get it, you regret this or that.
My head is spinning. Drop me in a whole. I want to fall forever.
School is just school. The people there are just people.
It’s okay to be hurt. It’s okay to feel stupid. We all have our regrets