Black Boy

I can write a love story about every guy I’ve ever liked. 

Soft gentle full lips on mine.

A touch here

A hand there

A squeeze

A bite

A smile 

We stop and stare

I move away still staring

I’m cheesing

He’s laughing

“What?”

“You’re so cute.”

A pull

Hands at my waist

Arms around his neck

Another kiss

More intense 

A deep inhale

A tighter squeeze 

More

He wants more

I want more

But we stop

And that is

The end

The day after

I made a fool of myself and that’s okay.

I’m growing up. I’m trying new things. I’m experiencing new things and that’s okay. 

Stupidity is part of growing up. Mistakes is part of growing up. I should be okay with that.

I’m hurt. I’m happy. I’m free to be me. I was always free to be me, but I was scared. Well, I still am. 

I’m hurt, I’m hopeful. Hopeful for my own future. 

I will get better at things. I will stop caring, stop being ashamed.

I’m hurt. Relax. I’m hurt. Relax. I was stupid. Relax. I was stupid. Rela—SHUT UP!! ……………Calm the fuck down.

I hate labels. I’m hurt. I’m sleepy. I care….A lot. It’s obvious. 

Energy wasted not being myself. I’m learning. 

High School. I just realized I don’t take anybody seriously at school. 

I can keep writing. I will.

I like to be independent and do things on my own. 

I should’ve–SHOULDA COULDA WOULDA

We get it, you regret this or that. 

My head is spinning. Drop me in a whole. I want to fall forever. 

School is just school. The people there are just people.

It’s okay to be hurt. It’s okay to feel stupid. We all have our regrets 

Not AgainΒ 

I hate myself. No, I really do.

I just wish I had confidence.

I wish I was smart and intellectual.

I wish I was a better writer.

I wish I had good habits.

I wish and I want so much.

I’m mad at myself. Hannah, if it’s not funny don’t laugh. I have to remind myself of that. I don’t want to be fake. I want to be honest with myself and everyone around me, I just don’t want to be rude. Why am I feeling this way?? Oh, I know why, it’s because of some boy.

Jealousy

I get jealous of people, but I never get jealous because of some boy.

This girl has a crush on this boy that I had/have a crush on who has a girlfriend.

The boy had feelings for me before. I’m not sure if he still does.

So I’m jealous of this girl because what if the boy breaks up with his girlfriend and gets to know the girl more and they become a couple. I really hope that doesn’t happen. It can’t happen. Whenever I see them talking I feel a stab in my heart. I shouldn’t be feeling this way because he has a girlfriend. 

I need him to move to another state…like now, so I won’t feel this way. Or maybe I just need to move on from him. I need to focus on something other than some boy. 

Jealousy isn’t good. I’m going to have to pray about this.

Idk what to do

I don’t know what’s happening to me. Like I’m usually a really dry person who shows no emotion and says, “Oh” to anything I don’t know how to respond to. Then all of a sudden in January of 2016 I became this cheery happy person and I tried my best to respond with something interesting. Ugh I freaking hate that, I try too hard then things become awkward. Because of this sudden change, I messed up things with my crush.(he also messed up) He and I could’ve had chance. I don’t know how to fix things… I’m so sad and mad. πŸ˜₯😑πŸ˜₯😑😑😑😑πŸ˜₯πŸ˜₯πŸ˜₯πŸ˜₯πŸ˜₯πŸ˜₯πŸ˜₯😑

The past two days I was m–

I’m just going to put this situation into God’s hands. He’ll know what to do. 

From now on I’m going to quit talking about this boy with my friends and quit writing about him because I’m annoying myself.

Ugh

Why are guys so confusing? No, why are boys confusing? Because the dudes at my school are boys. Insolent little boys. I’m really looking forward to graduation next year. I’m tired of people, especially boys.

I really tried my best, but I tried too hard.

Then I stopped trying and things were going quite swell.

I tried again and failed. Now I’m angry and hungry.

We both had a chance, but we both screwed up.

I really hateΒ dislike that boy.

I’m so freaking irritated.

You know what? Let me just listen to some Coldplay I will feel much better.