For the past two weeks I’ve been alone with my thoughts. I think I started going crazy. I’m not kidding.

Finally, three days ago I hung out and interacted with people. Two days ago, yesterday, and today I did too.

I do like being alone sometimes, but not all of the time. It’s not good for the mind. I started losing weight and eating one meal a day. I was on my phone doing nothing. I was not being my best self.

I hung out with friends and family and we many fulfilling conversations. It was wonderful. It was what I needed. I like to interact and discuss shit. 

I learned so much in the past couple of days from being with people. It was nice.

Yay!!

So I had my first kiss a few weeks ago! It was wonderful! 

We kissed again yesterday and it was great!

I want to tell everyone in the whole world about it.

I want to give people every single detail. So amazing!!!!

I want to do it again!!!!!!

I want to do it again!!!!

I want to do it again!!

I didn’t know awesome kissing was till I finally had my first kiss. 

I need to chill it wasn’t that good…

Why am I lying, it was THAT good. lol 

In April I dated a guy for a week, my first boyfriend, David, he never kissed me. Never!!

I wanted to kiss him so badly, I even told him. 

But David was afraid to because I’m a Christian girl and he thought that I was gonna think it was a sin. Ugh *rolls eyes*

Okayyy, but I’m not going to lie, when I first made out with Adam* I did feel like a hoe afterwards. I don’t know why. Yes I do. I felt like a hoe because I sat on his lap. (Okay why am I sharing this??). And yesterday I 

I…I

You know what?

Never mind.

I’m me-ee, I’m me-ee, and that’s all I can be

It’s so exhausting trying to be someone you’re not. Trust me, I know.

I faked my way through most of high school.

I compromised myself to be liked. It worked, but at the same time it didn’t.

When I was being someone that I wasn’t I did gain friends. Good friends.

But when I was finally being me and expressing who I truly was I gained even better friends.

It sounds like I have myself all figured out and shit, but I haven’t.

I’m still trying to understand who I am. 

Identity is a struggle that everyone faces. Who are we? Who do we want to be? How do I just be?

This week I started creating videos. I would record myself, edit the video, then post it on YouTube.

As I was looking at the video, I thought to myself, Why don’t I act like that in front of my friends and family? I was being so extra in the video and I liked it. 

It’s so fascinating because I’m a different person in those videos. 

I feel like I am myself most of the time. Like 67% of the time, I just need to add on…add on…What’s 100-67?? I honestly do not feel like doing the math. Ughhh. Okay so 70, 80, 90, that’s 30. Okay so I need to add on that 33%. 

I guess I’m just scared to be me. I’m scared to say what’s on my mind, to be silly, to make stupid jokes.

I think I try too hard to be perfect. Nobody is perfect and most people know that and will accept you for who you are. 

I’m not perfect. I’m not the prettiest person on earth nor the smartest. I’m not the funniest, not the nicest. I have struggles and I had them too. I’m just me. I have flaws and you know what? That’s okay.

Black Boy

I can write a love story about every guy I’ve ever liked. 

Soft gentle full lips on mine.

A touch here

A hand there

A squeeze

A bite

A smile 

We stop and stare

I move away still staring

I’m cheesing

He’s laughing

“What?”

“You’re so cute.”

A pull

Hands at my waist

Arms around his neck

Another kiss

More intense 

A deep inhale

A tighter squeeze 

More

He wants more

I want more

But we stop

And that is

The end

Fast

I’m going on a fast.

I need to clear my mind.

Something is going on with me.

Social media has always made me sad, but I still check it.

I keep comparing myself to other people. 

I have this constant fear that my friends secretly don’t like me.

I know they do, it’s just that I worry about that a lot.

I worry a lot.

I like to be noticed.

I like attention.

There’s so much going on in my mind.

I have a constant fear that I’m not good enough.

I don’t know why I’m confessing all of this.

I just need to get some things out.

On the outside I look fine. 

On the inside I’m not.

I’m not fine. 

Things are going okay in my life, but I’m not okay.

I don’t know why.

My friend told me I judge myself too harshly.

She’s right, I do.

I’m staying off of social media for the rest of this week. 

Rule of Life #6

Self doubt is toxic.

It truly is.

Everybody doubts themselves even the most confident person in the world.

I feel like they have the most self doubt because they’re counting on themselves. I don’t know if that makes sense. Whatever, it makes sense to me.

Link

I’ve been disconnected from writing, reading, God, and things that are important to me.

I’ve been connected to my phone.

When I’m disconnected to important things, my mind acts up. It’s weird. My memory goes away, my confidence goes down, my happiness leaves, I’m not content when I’m disconnected.

I need to disconnect from my phone and connect to everything else.