I’m me-ee, I’m me-ee, and that’s all I can be

It’s so exhausting trying to be someone you’re not. Trust me, I know.

I faked my way through most of high school.

I compromised myself to be liked. It worked, but at the same time it didn’t.

When I was being someone that I wasn’t I did gain friends. Good friends.

But when I was finally being me and expressing who I truly was I gained even better friends.

It sounds like I have myself all figured out and shit, but I haven’t.

I’m still trying to understand who I am. 

Identity is a struggle that everyone faces. Who are we? Who do we want to be? How do I just be?

This week I started creating videos. I would record myself, edit the video, then post it on YouTube.

As I was looking at the video, I thought to myself, Why don’t I act like that in front of my friends and family? I was being so extra in the video and I liked it. 

It’s so fascinating because I’m a different person in those videos. 

I feel like I am myself most of the time. Like 67% of the time, I just need to add on…add on…What’s 100-67?? I honestly do not feel like doing the math. Ughhh. Okay so 70, 80, 90, that’s 30. Okay so I need to add on that 33%. 

I guess I’m just scared to be me. I’m scared to say what’s on my mind, to be silly, to make stupid jokes.

I think I try too hard to be perfect. Nobody is perfect and most people know that and will accept you for who you are. 

I’m not perfect. I’m not the prettiest person on earth nor the smartest. I’m not the funniest, not the nicest. I have struggles and I had them too. I’m just me. I have flaws and you know what? That’s okay.

Black Boy

I can write a love story about every guy I’ve ever liked. 

Soft gentle full lips on mine.

A touch here

A hand there

A squeeze

A bite

A smile 

We stop and stare

I move away still staring

I’m cheesing

He’s laughing

“What?”

“You’re so cute.”

A pull

Hands at my waist

Arms around his neck

Another kiss

More intense 

A deep inhale

A tighter squeeze 

More

He wants more

I want more

But we stop

And that is

The end

Fast

I’m going on a fast.

I need to clear my mind.

Something is going on with me.

Social media has always made me sad, but I still check it.

I keep comparing myself to other people. 

I have this constant fear that my friends secretly don’t like me.

I know they do, it’s just that I worry about that a lot.

I worry a lot.

I like to be noticed.

I like attention.

There’s so much going on in my mind.

I have a constant fear that I’m not good enough.

I don’t know why I’m confessing all of this.

I just need to get some things out.

On the outside I look fine. 

On the inside I’m not.

I’m not fine. 

Things are going okay in my life, but I’m not okay.

I don’t know why.

My friend told me I judge myself too harshly.

She’s right, I do.

I’m staying off of social media for the rest of this week. 

Link

I’ve been disconnected from writing, reading, God, and things that are important to me.

I’ve been connected to my phone.

When I’m disconnected to important things, my mind acts up. It’s weird. My memory goes away, my confidence goes down, my happiness leaves, I’m not content when I’m disconnected.

I need to disconnect from my phone and connect to everything else.