Update ew I hate dat werd

1.) Prom was last Saturday. I wore a suit.

2.) I’m not sure if I’m losing myself or actually becoming who I truly am. We’ll see. The reason for the unsurity is because I don’t know who Hannah is, so becoming her is new for me.

3.) I’m currently writing erotica. Hehehe! My friend inspired me to write one. It’s prettay good so far lol

4.) Things are going swell, but I know this isn’t going to last.

*So I just found out that unsurity isn’t a word…

Cause I’m a woman

W-O-M-A-N

I’m 18

I’m a woman

I’m a black woman.

I won’t stop being angsty.

The angst will go away on its own.

I can still be rebellious, but I’m gonna have to watch out more be—-

(Omg breaking news!!

This boy that I liked last year Snapchatted me. I just opened it and did not reply. I am utterly grossed out about that crush.)

I don’t want to want. I want to just be. Be content and hope for the best.

Is it bad to rethink things? I need to talk to God. I haven’t really talked to Him in a while.

✂✂

Cutting people off 

Snip snip

Well, one person

Cutting my hair

Snip snip

Not all of it

I actually have good friends and it took a certain situation with 2 people to realize it.

I should listen to my siblings more and the friends who actually are a good influence on me. 

Today is Mother’s Day. My mom is enjoying it so far. It’s pretty good for me too.

My mom, my brother, and I went to a mother’s day Haitian banquet. It was nice.

trash talk

 

(the negatives)

everytime i try to open up to her about my deep personal problems, she always brushes it off and never takes it seriously.

she talks to me like i’m a child and she disrespects me like a lot
one time at lunch i showed her this weird text message that my mom sent me and she told the whole lunch table and started making fun of me
if i wanted the whole table to know I would have shown them and not only her
you know what irritates me the most tho?
i cant ever have an intellectual conversation with her because she acts like she has all the answers
the only time she ever really wants to talk to me is whenever i mention a certain boy or some type of drug
she’s a good person and everything, but i can’t tolerate her anymore

i should probably say something to her

my brother said that if i don’t say anything nothing is going to change
but idk how to tell her that she’s kind of a bitch
i found the word! she’s condescending

she talks to me in a condescending tone
she doesn’t know when to shut up
(the positives)
she’s really nice and not judgemental
she does give good valid advice, but maybe she can fucking listen to all that i’m saying first before opening her damn mouth
shes smart
i tried a new thing because of her and that was nice
i can be weird as fuck around her and she won’t care because she’s weird AF
she’s open minded
very very kind, that’s something i admire about her. I wish i had a kind heart
i know she’s a good friend
she’s authentic
she doesn’t give a shit about peoples opinions
she gives nice hugs
(stuff)
this is kind of my fault, she probably doesn’t take my problems seriously because when I talk about my them i smile
i smile because i’m afraid people aren’t going to take it seriously
also because even tho things aren’t really going well in my life i act like i’m okay and i’m a good actress
another reason why she probs doesnt take me seriously is because i’m private and i only say the problems that are socially acceptable
she thinks i’m so privileged, but i’m not
but i’m not going to try to prove myself to her
because that’s stupid
my brother says i need to be authentic
i can’t be authentic with her, i don’t know why
i should say something
there’s very few people who really know me and understand my personality
(all of siblings of course lol)
their initials: M, M, R, S, J, E, J, C
all of those people i met this school year except for C I knew C since freshman year, but the girl i’m talking about i’ve known her since freshman year too, soooo…. but i guess that’s kind of my fault i only show her half of me instead of all of me
wow i really suck as a friend
i’m a big ass phony
das crazy
now i want to tell her that i’m sorry. she’s an amazing person and i just talked trash about her
wow i’m an awful person
(other stuff)
i’m not that annoyed anymore
i just needed to get some things out

March 30, 2017 Thursday (Journal Entry)

“Dear journal, I hate guys they make you feel so many different emotions without doing anything. Guys are funny. I’m still trying to understand guys and girls. I’m not sure if we are the same. There is a stereotype about girls that we overanalyze everything, we worry too much and all that. But for guys the stereotype is that they don’t care, they don’t notice anything. They don’t try too hard. Do guys ever analyze a text message, a look, a tone? Do they even care? What do females do that hurt them? That brings up so many emotions? I want us to be equal, but I do see these stereotypes at school, with me, in movies, TV shows, celebrities, etc. Are we really the same when it comes to relationships and emotions? Maybe we are, but society has trained men to not express their feelings, to think that women are crazy and over emotional. Men know how to suppress their emotions, they probably do feel the exact way women do they’re just better at hiding it. So some men care, some men don’t. How about women? Can they be like the stereotypical guy? Yes. I have yet to see a woman be that way, I just know there are because we are all the same.”

chill girl, its been a week

how does one stop caring

what if things get better for the other person

and

im still alone

what if theyre happy and im

not

i want to move on before they do

i want us to move on at the same time

so that we can be happy for each other

i wish this never happened