But I’ve been laughing a lot lately. I’m already a laugher…A fake laugher (don’t ask). But these laughs, these laughs they’re real. Belly rippling (?) laughs, wake up the dead laughs, I have to stop tying my shoe because the joke is so funny laughs, stomach grabbing laughs, I have to stomp my foot because I can’t stop laughing laughs!!! God, it feels so good! My stomach is kind of sore, though.
This has happened twice in my life. I like a boy, we get to know each other, I tell him I have feelings for him, he then tells me, “I still have feelings for you too, but I’m dating *girls name*” OR he says, “I have a girlfriend in Michigan.” It always ends on a good note…lol. I mean, I’m still friends with these guys, things are all good, but this is weird. I can’t make this a pattern. See, with the first guy while he was talking to me he was single, but also talking to another girl and I didn’t know. With the second guy I assumed he was single because he would flirt with me. He also never mentioned a girlfriend to my friend who was trying to bring us together. The first guy, I knew him for a pretty long time. The second guy is more recent. This is crazy. I’m not mad, or hurt, I’m just so confused. Why? I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t try too hard. I don’t know… Maybe God is telling me that I’m just not ready for a boyfriend and you know what? That’s okay.
*This is actually kind of funny thoughhhhhhh
But OMG! This recent guy is such a babe. Nicest guy I’ve ever met. Sweet, intellectual, understanding, he is forgiving of other people’s faults, intelligent. It’s so cool how he can retain knowledge. He’s a really cool dude. Gosh, I liked him a lot. I know if I dated him I would learn a lot. Oh yeah, and he is beautiful. He has the prettiest blue eyes ever, he looks like a Greek statue (minus the muscle lol, but that’s okay). His bone structure is to die for lol. Okay lemme stop, I sound like a creep.
**2 hours later: This actually kind of sucks, but the thing is I don’t care. I’m used to it. At least I can finally be myself, so that’s a plus. I’m not even going to try anymore. Okay from now on I’m gonna focus my attention on other things like art, writing, school, friends, God, important stuff.
The song starts off chill as hell you know, Things are going alright, but then the song gets a little bit more aggressive then it stops and becomes bliss. Things are going great life is all fucking good but then you run into trouble but you eventually come out of it and you become happy then your back in the trouble then youre happy again…but then you get sad because things arent going to well. It’s raining outside and youre in your room alone crying. Life has her ups and life has her downs, just like this motherfucking song. But the ending of this song is very hopeful.
I don’t usually get mad and when I do I keep it to myself. But I’m fucking pissed. I’m mad at this person that I’ve known my whole life. I hate feeling this way. I was always have off and on feelings about this person. Sometimes I like her and sometimes I wish I never knew her. It’s kind of sad though because this person is my sister.
My crush called me beautiful. I should be beaming with joy, I should be happy that he called me beautiful, but I hate it. I. Hate. It. I hate when people complement my physical appearance sometimes. I used to love it when I was younger because I thought if I look good I would have more friends and people would like me. I have very low self confidence. Now, on Monday he told me I was a unique individual and what I think matters. That was the best complement I had in a while. I like when people complement me on my mind and who I am as a person and I know I shouldn’t be relying on others to feel good about myself, but I don’t know… It would be nice if someone told me I was smart because I don’t think I am.
I wrote this post on August 4, but I fixed it (kinda) last night.
I’m scrolling through Instagram, on the discover page, and I see facts about how studies show that black people are scientifically better than white people at this or that, or that they are superior. When I look at those post, it doesn’t make me feel better about being a young black lady, it makes me feel bad. I don’t want to be better than a certain race or gender, I don’t want to be more superior than a certain race or gender.
I know society sees the black race as inferior, but as long as we know we aren’t there is no need to find validation that we are not.
I just want to be good enough and I think that’s all that matters.
I know I’m good enough. I’m good enough for my friends, for my family. Just not enough for society.(#effsociety)
I understand why they put up those posts, but they need to stop. Let’s continue fighting for equal rights instead of putting other races down.
I hate myself. No, I really do.
I just wish I had confidence.
I wish I was smart and intellectual.
I wish I was a better writer.
I wish I had good habits.
I wish and I want so much.
I’m mad at myself. Hannah, if it’s not funny don’t laugh. I have to remind myself of that. I don’t want to be fake. I want to be honest with myself and everyone around me, I just don’t want to be rude. Why am I feeling this way?? Oh, I know why, it’s because of some boy.
This trailer always inspires me to be bold. I just relate to this character so much.
Why do I give up so easily? I want to be a screenwriter, but I’m going into social work. I want to win an Academy Award, a Golden Globe, a Tony, and maybe an Emmy. I got accepted to Columbia College Chicago last month, I can’t go because of $$$. Can I still be an award winning screenwriter and playwright if I’m going into social work. Will I have time to write or even create art? I don’t mind being a social worker, but I don’t want to become one and forget about art, I don’t want to lose myself.
I’m turning 18 next month. I’m not ready to grow up.